This blog used to be about other things. Things I thought were important, God for an example. I've so lost touch with that person I once was so long ago, like a stranger to me now...
I live by a schedule, imposed upon me by others but agreed to by me. I am used to limits and expectations and parameters. I need lines to stay between.
I have had to explain where, what, how long, with who - all that childhood kind of stuff, even though I was never really a child- to my grandmother who I have lived with for so long. And I am struggling to separate myself from that mentality of explaining/confirming/informing.
Approval and disapproval is something that my family has never shied away from offering and withholding as it suits their agenda. I have come to see as of late what that type of behavior has done to my ability to be confident and whole all by myself and for myself.
I say all this because I have no one to say any of it to. I am in a relationship with someone who doesn't communicate all that much and really to be honest plan all that much. And I struggle. Struggle to trust. Struggle to understand. Struggle to breathe.
It's one thing to embark on a new relationship for the first time in ones life. That in and of itself is going to involve a learning curve. Its HUGE. But I have the added pressure of not just building a relationship with this ONE new person but with his two living companions as well. And I find myself resenting it. Horribly. Horribly. Horribly. I don't know how to overcome it and it terrifies me.
Trust is a bitch. You know what I mean? Once its lost it can never really be found again. I have trusted and been burned, burned badly... only tears can do the talking about that now...
I hate feeling like I'm the last to know anything about the person I am sleeping with and dating. I hate that she gets to know things about you before me and gets to do things with you without me. I hate it. Hate it to my bones. I hate myself for hating it. And hate is exhausting. Sooooo exhausting.
All this neurosis I have to keep hidden and that's exhausting too. All this hiding makes me feel more and more unknown. More and more alone. And this feeling of being unknown makes me feel its all so futile. And feeling its all so futile leads to other existential thoughts...
I'm not a very articulate person. I want to be but I'm not. But maybe hopefully pleading to the God above who says He's never far - let this be like a drawing out of poison and renew, refresh, revive me and my spirit. Show me what to do. Prostrated and with tears I plead. Amen.
