virtual rule #12

virtual rule #12 - Oh no! I'm one of them now: Say hello to smartphones and goodbye to life as you know it.

“At one time, I hated the iPhone – but that was only before I used one for the first time.” – Chris Pirillo

 

“Three objects were considered essential across all participants, cultures and genders: keys, money and the mobile phone.” – Jan Chipchase, Nokia

After years of avoiding entering the modern era, I recently got a smartphone for my birthday. Let me just say, life hasn't been the same since. I have enclosed a link from EmilyPost.com to help all of us from becoming dreaded smartphone zombies.

Link to full article: EmilyPost.com: Smart Use of Smartphones and Tablets

Here are some big picture things to keep in mind as you and those around you sort out the new etiquette of these brand new technologies:

As we all get connected faster and faster over greater and greater distances, it's good idea step back once in a while and ask how the technology we are using affects the quality of the very important human interactions that are happening face-to-face all around us. The answer to these questions will vary from person to person and place to place, but the very act of considering them brings awareness and reduces the risk of unintentional bad behavior.

1. Is this the right place to use my device? Are you in a restaurant, theater, or other public place where atmosphere and environment matter to those around you? Is a personal environment the right place for a work related connect? Is a work space appropriate for taking care of personal business? Sometimes the location matters as much as the company you are keeping when deciding how to use your smartphone or tablet.
2. How is the person I am connected to perceiving this interaction? Are they likely to be distracted by the buzz of your companion's chatter, the roar of the crowd, or the flushing of a toilet? On a video chat, what will the viewer see? Does the location make sense for the purpose of your call? If you are texting, maybe the person on the other end can't hear the sarcasm in your voice. If you are e-mailing, consider if you will be available to answer the reply when it comes. Take a second to play out the anticipated response chain before you initiate communication to avoid confusion and upsetting your interlocutors.
3. How are my actions affecting others and how am I perceived? Both are important aspects of good etiquette. If you are perceived as being disrespectful it can be as damaging to a relationship as actually disrespecting someone. Be clear with the people around you about how you are using your new device so they don't assume the worst. For example, if you are using your tablet to take notes at a meeting, it might be a good idea to let your boss know what you are doing. If you are leaving your phone on during a date because you can get fired for missing an important e-mail it might be a good idea to explain this at the beginning of the evening or even ask if it is still a good idea to go out at all. An ounce of prevention...
4. Am I in control of my device? Any behavior can become habitual and start to escape notice. It's up to you to actively manage your device. Keep your wits about you and your etiquette radar fine tuned. Have fun and take good advantage of all that these new technologies can do.

Or to phrase all the above in simpler terms, put IT away. (Yes, that's what she said.)

virtual rule #11

Virtual Rule #11: Promptness

"Once you receive an invitation your first obligation is to send a prompt response...It's a basic courtesy, and will be truly appreciated by your hosts. Waiting until the last minute or until your host calls for your answer implies that you don't think much of the host or that you're waiting for a better invitation to come along." - Emily Post's Etiquette, 18th Edition

 

“I'm about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is (somebody) who didn't care enough to call.” Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not that Into You

I have been caught in the dreaded roulette of being too flexible, too available, and too nice. My social circle isn't huge and my time not infinite (work and nursing school to deal with) but introverted predispositions aside, I know that "social-ness" is important. I make the conscious effort to be social, to try to get out there, to make plans, all that jazz.

In the past, I have had a tendency to build my expectations too high. I don't know why I do that. Some of the best and funnest social moments I have had, have been impromptu events - no planning involved. I treasure those moments. I love when life offers good unplanned surprises; they really are the best most meaningful moments.

I feel that I have become a scheduler. I think college has played a part in that change. I just don't have time always available and I like to know what's going on and when because I also can be scatter-brained and forgetful.

Here is a scenario I know too well. Two people are texting about getting together for dinner, coffee, movie, whatever and it's just not happening. One person is available and the other is soooo busy. So the too-nice-one leaves it up to the other to make the arrangements, which of course they never do. God I hate that. I really hate being the planner all the time. I really hate making all the effort, keeping contact, all that stuff. Sometimes people who I haven't talked to in awhile, will make me feel guilty when we finally do communicate. It's so unfair. I may not have kept in touch but uhhh neither have you. Jesus. (Sorry emotional revealing rant there. Whoops.)

Please be prompt and don't lead people on about getting together when texting. Make the plans firm or don't make them at all. It's not right to show interest one day and not follow through. Be prompt. If you are taking on the responsibility of planning a get-together, than do it. If you say you want to do something with someone else, than do it. If you are always planning everything, and getting sick of it frankly, than stop. Don't make your life dependent on other people getting their shit together. If you want to do something, and can't find anyone to go with, consider this your loving reminder - it's OK to go alone. Really it is. It also might be time to try meeting some new people. (I know those words are like kryptonite to most introverts, but you know those few amazing people you know - well there are bound to be a couple more like them on the planet - right?)

Amos 3:3 "Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?" Hell no. So stop trying to hold hands with people who aren't going in the same direction as you. Sometimes despite all their protest textually - they really just aren't interested. REMEMBER: People always make time for what is important to them. Your patience doesn't have to extend over their rudeness. All we have control over is ourselves; be kind, be prompt.

random thoughts on hospitality

This isn't a virtual rule just a random thought. I wish the American culture had more cultural customs, specifically those regarding hospitality and community. I am a fan of the show Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations and one reason I enjoy watching is it gives a glimpse of what life is like in other cultures. I think we here lack a lot of really sincere basic customs that make a society stronger.

When I am invited into another's home I always try to bring something. It doesn't have to be big or fancy, usually it's small and simple, but I like bringing something. I don't know why I'm like that. I don't really come from a family of big entertainers. I really only remember one time my mom having people over when I was young and big holiday hooplas with distant family also were rare.

Maybe my bringing something to the places I go is my way of recognizing the efforts of the host even if they don't see it as effort. I really appreciate the gathering together of individuals; the many becoming one. I appreciate coming together in a specific space at a definite moment in time. It's significant, the time we spend together.

So whether its a $5 bottle of wine or loaf of marble rye (remember Seinfeld) I will continue to make gestures of a sincerely thankful heart. xo

virtual rule #10

Virtual Rule #10: complete sentences+complete words = A Completed Thought

I like shortcuts as much as the next person. If I can shave some time off a project and still get the same result as if going the long way around, I am giddy. Case in point, I try to send a text message of God centered encouragement everyday. I love the challenge of conveying a big thought or truth into a 160 character space text message. It is amazing how many times it works out to be exactly 160 character spaces but there are times when I have gone way over the 160 character limit. When this happens abbreviations & symbols become a vital lifeline. I say all this to show that I do appreciate abbreviations BUT I think we are using them too often and unnecessarily.

I know the whole point of text messaging is to keep communication short and concise but not everything can be condensed down into an abbreviation; sometimes you are going to have to type the whole word out (or imagine this CALL THE PERSON!). When your communication can't be understood there is a problem. This is going to sound possibly silly but, "Say what you are saying." Communicate what is going on, what you want to happen, what you need to happen - and if there is an inconsistency between these three things, acknowledge it and seek out an effective remedy.

Example scenario: Two friends have plans to meet up for lunch. One of the friends has a migraine and cannot even open her eyes without pain. She wants to have lunch but realistically needs to reschedule. Hemming and hawing is not going to fix the situation. A decision needs to be made and then that decision needs to be communicated. A text of: "Sorry but I can't make lunch. Bad migraine today, can't move. Can we reschedule 4 next week?" It's really that easy. Don't belabor the point and drag it on. Don't wait till 30 minutes before meeting to cancel. Just say what you need to say plain and promptly.

Use abbreviations only to the extent that the communication being rendered is still effective and completely able to be understood. Don't dance around an issue either. If the recipient of a message scratches their head in puzzlement and has to get out an interpreting guide and Ouija board than communication methods need to be examined. Be clear. Be concise. Be kind.

virtual rule #9

Virtual Rule #9: Hospitality without the house

"It is unforgivable to be rude to anyone under your own roof..." -page 429, Etiquette In Society, In Business, In Politics and At Home, Emily Post

I snatched the above quote from a larger paragraph in which Emily Post is discussing hospitality but I would like to stretch it a bit. Being courteous and hospitable to people who are visiting your abode is a must of course but I  would change the above statement slightly to the following: "It is unforgivable to be rude to anyone who is under any roof with you." This means not just the roof of  your own home but any roof you find yourself under; at the dry cleaners, at the market, while dining under an awning or driving in a car - whatever place you find yourself, make it a place to showcase your hospitable and courteous nature.

If you cannot be at the least cordial with anyone you meet, anywhere you meet them - there's a problem. This is the second part I want to address. Snobbery is something that can sneak up. Don't be afraid to look others in the eye, whether it be the girl taking your order or the cashier rinning you up; whether it be the CEO of Facebook or the eccentric who might possibly be talking to themselves on the sidewalk, all our worthy of your equal respect. Allow yourself to be taken out of your busy and important day to say hello to a stranger or to hold a door open for someone else. (Take time to appreciate that you are not the only person out there. All the fellow cars in your way on the road, they contain people too. All the slowpokes in line ahead of you are waiting people too.)

Do courteous things not just for your stuffy Grandpa but for all people you come in contact with. Making the world a more civil place starts with each one of us as individuals choosing to be civil. Seemingly, civility isn't  always convenient but don't let inconvenience deter you from doing what is right. Don't whip out the manners only when you are trying to impress someone; keep awareness of others always on the behavioral table and then allow this awareness to turn into an appreciation for others and finally allow that appreciation to blossom into respect. Everyone is worthy of your attention and sincerest acknowledgment even if that means it takes you twenty seconds longer get to the next "to do" on your list. In the end it is people that matter most.

virtual rule #8

Virtual rule #8: Stop and think (Part 2)

"There is a simple rule by which...one...can at least refrain from being a pest or a bore. And the rule is merely to stop and think."-page 48, Etiquette In Society, In Business, In Politics and At Home, Emily Post

This above quote is from a chapter entitled "Conversation" in which I found convicting and enormously valuable communication advice. We have already addressed the importance of the internal check of stop and think when it comes to honoring others and respecting privacy. (For more info please refer to Virtual Rule #7) The virtual world gives us numerous ways of "speaking" without having to listen and that is one of its greatest downfalls. Let's look at some additional ways "stop and think" is an invaluable tool:

• Conveniences inconvenience - There was a time when communication was not as accessible. There was no telephone or email or instant texting; if you wanted to communicate something you would have to write a letter (the art of which is dying) and send it snail mail - through the post office. Or you would have to have a trusted associate relay the information for you. This inaccessibility caused communication to be more thoughtful, more shall we say, pondered. There is something about the handwritten note that conveys intimacy and fellowship in a way an email never will or can. (The tangibility of something to hold, the stationary paper, the stamped envelope, the personal penmanship - all these things are irreplaceable and something an email can't replicate.) The convenience of instant communication is at times its greatest inconvenience. Because we can communicate so vastly and quickly the window of pause to stop and think has dissolved. Remember in your virtual communications to slow down, ponder the words, meaning and motive in your communications. Perhaps step away for an hour from the "SEND" button; ponder the communicated information contained inside the email, text message, blog post... treat "SEND" as you would a stamp on a handwritten letter, for in our virtual world that is exactly what it is.
• Play to your audience -  "Would a young mother describe twenty or thirty cunning tricks and sayings of the baby to a bachelor who has been helplessly put beside her at dinner if she thought? She would know very well, alas! that not even a very dear friend would really care for more than a hors d'oeuvre of the subject, at the board of general conversation." (page 49, ibid.) This is a vital plus in the call of stop and think. Who has not at some point been bombarded with too much information and prattle from someone regarding their children, family, pets, career or education? Eh-ugh! there is no one at times more thoughtless than the new parent, the newly married (even the newly dating) or the highly educated. Talk of your fortunes, delights, even your troubles, whatever it may be, in moderation and with consideration, with that in mind you can never go wrong. Everyone, not even the closest of friends, need hear through Facebook or over coffee, of the twenty cute and adorable things your little bundle of joy did or about how every single thing in your life is perfect. Care and at times therefore spare your audience.

I remember in grade school learning the phrase "Stop, Drop & Roll" regarding what to do if you happen to catch fire. In communication remember the phrase "Stop and think" for then you never need roll to put out flames caused by thoughtlessness.

virtual rule #7

Virtual Rule #7: Stop and think (Part 1)

"Nearly all the faults or mistakes in conversation are caused by not thinking."

Emily Post

MARK
"I was drunk and angry and stupid."
MARYLIN
"And blogging."
MARK
"And blogging."

from The Social Network

When does a conversation end? Do we let the conversations we participate in end when we leave them or do we at times replay them over and over, keeping them alive and current? In the virtual word we live in, we can say things about people and even to people themselves in very indirect ways. Maybe we recall something we wish we had said during the conversation or maybe we were to chicken to say what we were really thinking so we "converse" virtually - indirectly - publicizing the private all behind the mask of the web. We get to say what we want to say but don't have to necessarily care about the response. This is dangerous. 

Does there need to be two participating parties for there to be a conversation? At one time, yes I think there did but no longer is that the case. I blog. I blog to the entire world, in a way conversing with the world. The world does not respond, the world does not take whole notice but yet here I am jabbering (typing) along. I am conversing and though I am not CNN, Oprah, or Katie Couric - the reach of my words is not on that scale - nonetheless my blog of words is out there to be heard, to be read, to be commented on. If I go postal and type a bunch of ranting, raving, thoughtless, nonsensical drivel - I am not only being a poor writer, I am being a poor conversationalist. Using the web as a tool to aim words at a target who has no ability to participate is cowardly. This blog is part of my dialogue not with one specific individual but all. If I take private dialogue and post it publicly, I degrade the value of that dialogue and dilute away an intimate relationship.

Stop and think Emily tells us and that is true in all facets of life. We communicate in ways unthought of 50 years ago, even as little as 10 years ago. When we leave another with whom we have been speaking we must not take that private conversation and publicize it. If there is more to say, we save it for whom it needs to be said or we let it go all together. Integrity once damaged is an impossibility to completely restore; stop and think before throwing yours away.

virtual rule #6

Virtual Rule #6: Don't Kid Yourself About Kidding

“More objectionable than the garden-variety criticizer/gossip is the bigot-someone who makes joking or derogatory remarks about a religious, ethnic, or cultural group... Every time anyone participates in hateful ethnic, racial or other personal conversation-whether the comments are blatantly derogatory or couched in a joke-he’s practicing a form of intolerance. Taking part is not just uncivil; it also implies that he is willing to accept bigotry and prejudice.” (Page 288, Emily Post’s Etiquette by Peggy Post) 

People who shrug off deliberate deceptions, saying, "I didn't mean it, I was only joking," Are worse than careless campers who walk away from smoldering campfires. (Proverbs 26:18-19, The Message)

Hiding what you really feel behind behind a guise of "I was just kidding" isn't at all funny. It is at best careless speech and at worst tantamount to verbal bullying. Also, if you find yourself repeatedly saying and thinking "other people are too sensitive" you need to stop examining them and take at look at yourself. If you feel always on the defensive by others commenting that your words are too biting for fun maybe you need to work on how you use your words and tone of voice. This is something we all need to be personally aware of.

Obviously this does not mean that ALL joking is mean spirited or filled with malicious intent. Laughter is necessary to our overall well-being and the ability to laugh at oneself a valuable characteristic. The nature of the humor correlates with the motive of the humorist; examine the motives behind your joking. Are you joking others from a place of pridefulness? Are you joking others from a place of fear? Do you use humor hoping with your words to "bring down" others because you find them somehow threatening your self-image?

A side note on satire - satire is defined as the use of humor, irony or exaggeration in order to show how foolish or wicked some people's behavior or ideas are. It is a genre that uses mockery of society to shock that society into an honest look at itself. Sometimes I find satire like the The Daily Show funny and sometimes I find it uncouth, ill guided and pointless. People will not always agree on what is humorous, I accept that; but even in the world of satire one must be cautious with their method and ultimate aim. Something I find precarious is when one makes a joke about their own race or gender but is then offended when someone not of that race or gender makes a similar joke. Why is it OK for me to disparage the characteristics of my own race/gender or whatever it may be but for someone else not to? It doesn't make any sense. In our discourse let us not bring ourselves or others down.

Be cautious with the "kidding" you give others; the only joke in the end may be you.

virtual rule #5

Virtual Rule #5: Respectful Exasperation 

"Be careful not to let amiable discussion turn into contradiction and argument. The tactful person keeps his prejudices to himself and even when involved in a discussion says quietly, "No. I don t think I agree with you" or "It seems to me thus and so." One who is well bred never says, "You are wrong!" or "Nothing of the kind!" If he finds another's opinion utterly opposed to his own, he switches to another subject for a pleasanter channel of conversation." - page 50, Etiquette In Society, In Business, In Politics and At Home, Emily Post 

What political pundits, talk show hosts and "reality" show celebrities get paid to do is not something we as individuals should seek to mimic or encourage through our viewership. They are paid for their performances much at the expense of morality, ethics and even decency. It is tragic that news has been regulated to entertainment and that information shared has nothing to do with truth but mere gossip. Journalism is not what it once was; I hope it is not all together dead. If they publicly on TV say things like "WTF?" when it comes to The President of the United States and gun jargon like "Don't retreat...Reload!" when discussing how to handle those with whom they disagree, I fear greatly what they must say in private. Outrages statements and vulgar rhetoric from anyone should not be encouraged or celebrated regardless of what side you are on. We must stand against hate and ignorance wherever it is found, not with a balled-up-fist but a sober thoughtful mind.

Since the senseless massacre in Arizona the following call has been proclaimed and already forgotten: "Let us return civility to our public discourse." It has led me to wonder when exactly this great gilded time of civility was in our human history. There have ,however, always been among us everyday heroes of eloquence and intelligence, passion and inspiration, standing out and leading the way. Noble ideals shouldn't by considered too lofty, “fancy” or something only for Ivy League elite. Stereotypes and generalizations help no one. Rural life should not be held upon such a pedestal as to make urban life a cesspool of immorality; nor should urban life be held above rural to the degree that anyone not from a metropolis is a bumpkin. 

In our face-to-face conversation and in our more anonymous virtual communication it is imperative that when frustrated and exasperated that we first take a deep breath and then communicate from a place of courageous calm not feuding fearfulness. When we find ourselves facing those whose views stand in opposition to our own, we will not shout or pout or become a brutish lout.

virtual rule #4

Virtual Rule #4: Your Undivided Attention

"To listen attentively when one is spoken to, is merely one of the rules of etiquette." - Emily Post

It is the bane of the one who would like to converse with you and those that attend the movies with you - it is of course your dreaded cell phone. Yes, the time has come to address the technology addiction we all have. It is only appropriate that your undivided attention be given to the person you are with and on the primary task at hand. No cell phones during surgery surgeons; no Facebook time during the game quarterback. Put the cell phone away and do not look at it while in the middle of conversing with someone else; it is rude. Put the cell phone away and do not look at it while at the movies or the theater; it is rude. Nothing could be so important on Twitter, Facebook or whatever that it cannot wait a couple hours. Seriously.

There may be occasions where we are expecting a phone call, this is fine as long as we respectfully let our coffee companion know this is the case. The cell phones presence at the table may also be excused if you have a pregnant wife or a traveling elderly parent flying in from Saskatchewan. These situations do not however give license to other smart phone activities like checking your email, updating your status or whatever else there may be; none of these things are appropriate while in the accompaniment of another. May our virtual communication seek to only further our real time communication not hinder it. May we care less about virtual happenings and more about the life occurring in our very presence.

"Remember also that the sympathetic not apathetic listener is the delight of delights. The person who looks glad to see you, who is seemingly eager for your news or enthralled with your conversation; who looks at you with a kindling of the face, and gives you spontaneous and undivided attention, is the one to whom laurel wreath for the art of conversation would undoubtedly be awarded." (page 57, Etiquette in society, in business, in politics and at home, Emily Post)

virtual rule #3

Virtual Rule #3: Be Specific

Emily Post social rule number three for the digital era is be specific. This is actually implied already in rule number two. Let's use the example of the text message: "Are you free this week?" The text instigator is leaving the whole week open to the text recipient. If however the instigator really only has for example Thursday free then they should text, "Are you free to get together Thursday?" This will save time and frustration on the text recipients behalf which is only respectful. It is very frustrating when someone texts a random, "Lets get together" and then is completely booked schedule wise.

If you don't have the time don't make the offer; if you do have the time be specific about when.

virtual rule #2

Virtual Rule #2: Don't throw people away

The deleting of contacts from cell phone and facebook is not allowed. If you can't remember what they look like they can be deleted; if you can remember what they look like then leave them alone. This rule will prevent any need for later regret. In a moment of social self-loathing, the passive aggressive deleting of a contact may seem like a way of having control, but the feeling doesn't last. I say this from experience. Also, there is nothing so painful as to realize you have been cut out of someones life by discovering they have "de-friended" you. Who takes the time to do that?!? Who takes the time to go through their list of facebook friends and pick someone off? I don't get it.

In this age of disposable we need this rule. We need a rule to tell us the people aren't like the toaster or the home computer. People aren't disposable. People aren't something you use up and then decide your done with. People aren't objects to be collected on a list. People are living breathing image bearers, don't treat them like anything less. If the relationship is broken or floundering don't write them off and give up on them. Reach out to them even if all that means is staying away from the erase button.

What are your thoughts?

virtual rule #1

Virtual Rule #1: Finish what you start

The first Emily Post rule of the digital age is that the instigator of text messages must respond. If you send a text message asking another person if they would like to get together, you must respond to their response in a prompt manner unless their has been massive blood loss or a close family member has become unconscious. I really don't see any other excuse for not following through on a conversation once YOU have initiated it. When you engage someone in conversation on the phone or face-to-face it is expected that you continue the communication you have begun. If you just sit there staring into space and are mute, the ability for meaningful communication is severely compromised. It is like serving in a tennis match - you keep your end of the bargain by attempting to swat back what is returned by the receiving end.

Example scenario:
Instigator texts: "Are u free to get together this week? I've missed u."

Respondent texts back: "That would be great! I am free Tuesday &Wednesday. Let me know if one of those nights works for u."

Instigator does not reply.

In the case above the respondent was courteous and prompt, giving the instigator options of two nights to choose from because after all the instigator left the entire week up for grabs by not being precise about exactly what day they wanted to meet. I guess what really bugs me about this is the instigator dangled caring in front of someone but than failed to see it through. Maybe sincerely they had the best of intentions when they begun but as my Gammy says "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." It isn't enough to begin something well it must followed through and finished well.

So the first social rule of the digital age is that the one who engages another in communication via text message must see it through.

Am I a wrong here people? Speak your peace please and if you have better terminology to use let me know; instigator and respondent seem wrong to me but I couldn't think of other words to use.

virtually lost

I am starting this blog because of the encouragement of a dear friend. We were lost to each other for a time but found each other once again.

I am starting this blog because there are others like me who feel lost in this virtual world of facebook, myspace, twitter and text messaging. Emily Post gave rules of etiquette, a guideline of conduct if you will, a base line point of reference but this evolving virtual world of ours has no etiquette compass. Together we will examine what social decorum looks like in our technology ridden world of the PC, cell phone and Internet.

I am starting this blog because introverts can have extroverted adventures and vice versa. May we shed the labels and personality profiling that pigeon hold us and see the depth and diversity each one of us brings to the table just by being who we are right now.

I am starting this blog because its about time I stopped thinking about starting a blog and started one already. Take that procrastination! Life is made up of things we share with one another. Maybe your reading this and we know each other or maybe your reading this and we have never met. It is my belief that the sharing of words, ideas, thoughts and memories can create connection. May this be a connection in your life.