I consent

Consent - verb 1. give permission for something to happen.

The concept of consent has been on my mind recently. I think it's a good thing that society is talking about consent when it comes to sex. Yes is yes. No is no. Stop means stop. But I think it needs to go even further than what one will consent to physically because it's also what one agrees to consent to emotionally, mentally, etc.

I know it's not "cool girl" to say that sex is emotional just as much as it is physical. Some may even scoff at the thought that that sex and feelings have to related. But the truth is we are beings with emotions and we all have a deep longing for connection. It's evolutionary that we are designed for relationship. Love, acceptance, safety - these are basic human needs. Lust, infatuation, desire - these are basic human passions.

When you find yourself in a situation where you are asking for or offering consent - take it to the next level. You are not just dealing with someone's physical and sexual expectations/limits/comfort but with their emotional expectations/limitations/comfort as well. Consent is defined as giving permission for something to happen. Giving permission. When you say I consent in the dark make sure you know what that means and also what it doesn't mean in the light of day. xo

With all you are - who do you love?

My first blogging entry in 4+ years. Wow. Time gets away.

What was in those 4+ years?

Retrospective personal assessment: I graduated nursing school. I got the first job I applied for in nursing and passed NCLEX first try (miracle of Jesus). I learned to live with the consequences of my choices not without regret. I also learned to live with the consequences of other peoples choices with much tears and sorrow. I got to work with strong amazing women juggling so much and I got to feel what it's like to be part of a true team. I was the victim of two car accidents. I got one tattoo which turned into 8 tattoos. I felt the imminent real fear of becoming an orphan with my mom's first massive heart attack followed a year or so later by her second and then with the daunting diagnosis of heart failure. I moved out onto my own for the first time in my life (long overdue). I made my own home from scratch all by myself. I worked night shift and lost parts of my sanity. I got assaulted by a patient. I learned what good leadership is by unfortunately experiencing the lack of it. I got my BSN while working full time. I applied for and transferred to a different nursing position. I learned that the grass is never completely greener on the other side. I learned to assess and go after what's truly important to me. I worked with amazing, generous surgeons. I applied for and transferred to another new position in nursing. I lost one beloved animal friend and rescued another. I learned that the love of my Gammy is core thing in my life and to make peace with the past.

Question: Where is God in this?

He was right there though a majority of the time I didn't see it or care.

The verse of the day on my desk calendar is Matthew 22:37 "You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and with all your mind." I think that's the heart of the matter. You must love the Lord with all of your efforts, faculties, fancies, and thoughts. When faced with a choice that the secular world is calling "good" - stand it up the test of "who is it loving?"  Who is this action serving? Who does it show I love when I...? Does it show I love God utmost when I...? I think it is a great clarifying litmus test for all of us. With all you are - who do you love?

selfishness staving off deep depression?

"For this is God's will, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality, so that each of you knows how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not with lustful desires, like the Gentiles who don't know God. This means one must not transgress against and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger of all these offenses, as we also previously told and warned you. For God has not called us to impurity, but to sanctification. Therefore, the person who rejects this does not reject man, but God, who also gives you His Holy Spirit." (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8)

The above are verses with particular importance to me now, especially at this time of day when it's dark out. For some reason I really do think that darkness makes it more difficult, waiting for dawns light can feel like the longest wait sometimes. All day I have been on the verge of pouting and on the abyss of a depression. Faced with the dilemma of not getting what a part of me wants very very very badly has forced painful introspection and a big bowl of Oreo ice cream.

Patience. God dammit! Sorry to swear but S***! It always comes back to patience, recognizing its needed and then having to use it and be it. Ugh! Crap. It's really annoying. Petulant Pout.

Something significant happened today as I was watching NCIS after finishing up some homework. I realized or resolved, that I'm far too selfish to ever share. I may be almost 29 years old but this is one time when sharing just isn't caring. I don't want the pleasure of physical intimacy I share with another to be something that is shared with anyone else. I'm just too selfish. I can't do it. Every gasp of pleasure, every groan and grunt from their lips: will be mine and only mine. Vice versa. Anything less would make me unhappy, unsatisfied, miserable.

Apologize if that's all too graphic or not graphic enough but it needed to be said. What I am realizing here is a Godly "selfishness" (in a way) and a staving off what could have easily become a deep depression and an undoing of recent spiritual reawakening. There is something that happens when a matter is resolved even after difficulty: Peace. I feel peace. That doesn't mean I'm a female version of a eunuch; I still feel feelings but I'm feeling surer about what action or rather inaction I need to take. It's like I have remembered the reason for my actions of the last decade after having forgot them - funny that the one who churned up all these sexual lustful intimate real feelings also helped me remember godliness, purity, and sanctification. Life is really really weird.

Truthfully, when it comes to guarding hearts from perversion and ruin, the only selfish thing is acting on wrong momentary impulses. Not only will you hurt your own heart but others as well. Is there anything more disgusting/tragic/destructive in this world, than knowing that love was proclaimed as the motive for something when it was really anything but?

PS: I really don't apologize for this post. If your a Christain and offended: get over it. It's the Church not talking about sexuality that gives it too much power and free reign over so many lives. The myth that women aren't struggling just as much as men with sexuality and relationships in this world, is bull. Let's lay it out there and deal with it honestly. Being real is what made Jesus famous and unique. His followers should be like Him, the question is: Why aren't we?

John Piper, I love you.

"...sexual sin is a symptom, not the disease. People give way to sexual sin because they don’t have the fullness of joy and gladness in Christ. Their spirits are not steadfast and firm and established. They waver. They are enticed, and they give way because God does not have the place in our feelings and thoughts that he should."- A Broken and Contrite Heart God Will Not Despise

I thank God for you John Piper.

unfathered bothered

I said to a fellow fatherless friend,

"It bothers me that she had baby.

(1) She's a Christian she has said.

(2) She's not married.

(3) She has had a baby.

It's like the puzzle worksheets from school:

Which one of these things doesn't belong?

I am not convicting her but I feel so convicted for her?

Does that make any sense?

Am I crazy to be bothered?"

"Everyone has faults, everyone has weaknesses."

"Its not an uncommon thing anymore."

"There is nothing that can be done."

"People have to do whats right for them."

"It's not our place to judge only love."

Now I am more bothered.

On behalf of fellow unfathered,

Especially the new and young, 

Too small to know how far they'll have yet to come.

Will doughnuts with dad be a thing of wonder?

Will last name differences be a weight to be under?

Forget what the unbelieving do, it is not a blunder;

They have no faith that is shown to be going asunder.

Pursuing passion in unholy ways;

Whatever reason for dark days.

A new life comes!!

May they be considered more than just another sum!

May the women not remain ho-hum!

May the world not remain numb!

Let all life come!

Ignoring the problem is just dumb!

Listen for the timing of God's drum!

Don't easily succumb! 

Thank God! that he takes the foolish things of the world and with them shames the wise. Thank God! that he uses all things in the end for the good of those who love him BUT do not make that an excuse to use other people as scratching posts for your physical pleasure. Make God's sovereignty not an excuse to be selfish. God's goodness is not a game for he will not fail to be good and do good BUT God has shown that creating life is no joking matter. As he is responsible for what he has made, so are we. Consider this well before diving down the rabbit hole of promiscuity, fornication and sexual immorality. I use harsh words for true realities.

Think of the child that could be created by your actions. Would the situation this new life is being created in be God honoring? Care for your unmade potential child more than you care for gratifying your lusts.

Examine your heart.
With creation comes responsibility.
There is a bond between intimacy and commitment.
Don't allow for just another statistic.