With all you are - who do you love?

My first blogging entry in 4+ years. Wow. Time gets away.

What was in those 4+ years?

Retrospective personal assessment: I graduated nursing school. I got the first job I applied for in nursing and passed NCLEX first try (miracle of Jesus). I learned to live with the consequences of my choices not without regret. I also learned to live with the consequences of other peoples choices with much tears and sorrow. I got to work with strong amazing women juggling so much and I got to feel what it's like to be part of a true team. I was the victim of two car accidents. I got one tattoo which turned into 8 tattoos. I felt the imminent real fear of becoming an orphan with my mom's first massive heart attack followed a year or so later by her second and then with the daunting diagnosis of heart failure. I moved out onto my own for the first time in my life (long overdue). I made my own home from scratch all by myself. I worked night shift and lost parts of my sanity. I got assaulted by a patient. I learned what good leadership is by unfortunately experiencing the lack of it. I got my BSN while working full time. I applied for and transferred to a different nursing position. I learned that the grass is never completely greener on the other side. I learned to assess and go after what's truly important to me. I worked with amazing, generous surgeons. I applied for and transferred to another new position in nursing. I lost one beloved animal friend and rescued another. I learned that the love of my Gammy is core thing in my life and to make peace with the past.

Question: Where is God in this?

He was right there though a majority of the time I didn't see it or care.

The verse of the day on my desk calendar is Matthew 22:37 "You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and with all your mind." I think that's the heart of the matter. You must love the Lord with all of your efforts, faculties, fancies, and thoughts. When faced with a choice that the secular world is calling "good" - stand it up the test of "who is it loving?"  Who is this action serving? Who does it show I love when I...? Does it show I love God utmost when I...? I think it is a great clarifying litmus test for all of us. With all you are - who do you love?

my God my Father

We Midwesterners know how to tackle drastic cold and deep snow- we stay in and watch TV. When reports that snow is "a-comin" we send a member of the family to the grocery store to stock up on staples and we make sure that there is a DVD in the house to watch. That is snowstorm 101. Netflix has changed this ritual slightly for now there is always a DVD in the house for it has been sitting there unwatched for two months. I remember the olden days of going down to the video store and reading the back covers off a wall of choices. My fondest memory is going there with a group of friends while together we decided what we wanted to watch. I can't for the life of me remember what we picked but I remember the camaraderie and informal diplomacy involved in making a choice together. Strange to think that the era of DVD rental shops is over; one more thing that makes us different from new generations and gives us the dreaded beginning words of all old people, "When I was young..."

There was a channel on the dish last night showing all The Godfather movies commercial free and it was this that kept me up till 2:30 AM. They lost me a little bit on the second one - I mean that movie is really really long but I stuck it out. I don't know if it was insomnia or film nostalgia that kept me awake. There is something about the character of Michael Corleone that is terrible and relatable. He did unconscionable things. He became a man that was feared and dreaded by those he was closest to and ultimately he ended up all alone. The third film is about Michael's quest for atonement and redemption. I don't think he started out in life intending to be an infamous mob boss. He had begun wanting to be different from his father and wanted to break away from their way of thinking.

What is relatable to me about Michael Corleone is his beginning good intentions. I wonder if life, war, lies and hypocrisy can wear a man down to the point of becoming unrecognizable to himself. I wonder if God blames us for being changed by bad things or blames the bad things that changed us. God when he looks over a man, sees all the way through him the way no one ever has or ever could. I know myself that I wouldn't ever want my own deeds to be used as my source of atonement and means of redemption. God's standards are too high, too holy and too marvelous. I would not even seek to use deeds I consider good before Him who invented and personifies goodness. What do I know of good before Him. It is only because of Jesus Christ I hope and I live. It is only with Him as my atonement before God that I have any peace in this momentary life and the eternal one after. This peace is priceless in cost and therefore priceless in worth. There is something about when a matter is settled that brings a breath of calm. Even when the choice made was a hard one there is a peace because at least a choice is made. That is how I feel about my having faith in Jesus as the Son: it is a settled matter. My only hope of it remaning so is that He holds it firm in His hand. Life may be hard and some of my beginning intentions will inadvertently get sidetracked, but I know my justification is not found in any of my deeds but in Christ alone.

I will seek with steadfast devotion to please Him and obey,
and when I reek of failure I will go to Him and pray,
"Never would I seek to shame You,
or bring disgrace upon your name.
Make me ever like You to the glory of Your fame."