so great a sacrifice

Do you feel worthy enough of having Christ give His life for you? Do you feel He did the right thing (smart thing? wise thing? just thing?) in giving his life (His perfect, spotless, blemish-free, sinless, innocent life) for you? Maybe because it is traditionally what is called "Holy Week", I am pondering more heavily than I have in a long time what Jesus' life and death means. I am considering closely the words, "Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8) and this is giving way to my having a deep connection in my heart with the tax collector from Luke 18 who could not even raise his eyes towards the heavens where God dwells but who looking at the ground, beat his breast, and said, "God have mercy on me a sinner."

I have been gnawing over this issue today and my short answer to the above questions has been "No." I don't feel worthy of so great a sacrifice on my behalf. I don't think I am worthy and here is the kicker, it really doesn't matter what I think. It really doesn't matter if I feel worthy of such a sacrifice because it's not about me, at least it's not about me in any central sense. My feeling don't determine the truth either way for Truth lies outside of me and my fickle feelings.

I was feeling really low and down earlier while thinking about worth, Jesus and the mess called me. I was thinking of Him who deserved only the best that man can offer, of Him whom even mans best isn't worthy enough for. I was thinking of Him who deserves all honor, only the deepest respect and continual worship being unjustly convicted, sickeningly slandered, openly mocked, physically tortured, and unduly degraded. All this done to Him and he did not participate in the spectacle of his mock trial, He did not call for fire to fall from Heaven upon his slanderous accusers, He did not rain down curses upon his many executioners; instead in the midst of this horror, He prayed to God, He cared for His mother, was concerned for the welfare of future generations, fulfilled the prophecies and entrusted Himself to His Father.

This helped me at just the right time, Luke 15:19-24:
“...I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants.”’ 
“And he arose and came to his father. But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.’
“But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet. And bring the fatted calf here and kill it, and let us eat and be merry; for this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ And they began to be merry."

What God has redeemed let no man overlook.
What God has restored let no man reject.
What God has cleansed let no man defile.
What God has loved let no man despise.

my God my Father

We Midwesterners know how to tackle drastic cold and deep snow- we stay in and watch TV. When reports that snow is "a-comin" we send a member of the family to the grocery store to stock up on staples and we make sure that there is a DVD in the house to watch. That is snowstorm 101. Netflix has changed this ritual slightly for now there is always a DVD in the house for it has been sitting there unwatched for two months. I remember the olden days of going down to the video store and reading the back covers off a wall of choices. My fondest memory is going there with a group of friends while together we decided what we wanted to watch. I can't for the life of me remember what we picked but I remember the camaraderie and informal diplomacy involved in making a choice together. Strange to think that the era of DVD rental shops is over; one more thing that makes us different from new generations and gives us the dreaded beginning words of all old people, "When I was young..."

There was a channel on the dish last night showing all The Godfather movies commercial free and it was this that kept me up till 2:30 AM. They lost me a little bit on the second one - I mean that movie is really really long but I stuck it out. I don't know if it was insomnia or film nostalgia that kept me awake. There is something about the character of Michael Corleone that is terrible and relatable. He did unconscionable things. He became a man that was feared and dreaded by those he was closest to and ultimately he ended up all alone. The third film is about Michael's quest for atonement and redemption. I don't think he started out in life intending to be an infamous mob boss. He had begun wanting to be different from his father and wanted to break away from their way of thinking.

What is relatable to me about Michael Corleone is his beginning good intentions. I wonder if life, war, lies and hypocrisy can wear a man down to the point of becoming unrecognizable to himself. I wonder if God blames us for being changed by bad things or blames the bad things that changed us. God when he looks over a man, sees all the way through him the way no one ever has or ever could. I know myself that I wouldn't ever want my own deeds to be used as my source of atonement and means of redemption. God's standards are too high, too holy and too marvelous. I would not even seek to use deeds I consider good before Him who invented and personifies goodness. What do I know of good before Him. It is only because of Jesus Christ I hope and I live. It is only with Him as my atonement before God that I have any peace in this momentary life and the eternal one after. This peace is priceless in cost and therefore priceless in worth. There is something about when a matter is settled that brings a breath of calm. Even when the choice made was a hard one there is a peace because at least a choice is made. That is how I feel about my having faith in Jesus as the Son: it is a settled matter. My only hope of it remaning so is that He holds it firm in His hand. Life may be hard and some of my beginning intentions will inadvertently get sidetracked, but I know my justification is not found in any of my deeds but in Christ alone.

I will seek with steadfast devotion to please Him and obey,
and when I reek of failure I will go to Him and pray,
"Never would I seek to shame You,
or bring disgrace upon your name.
Make me ever like You to the glory of Your fame."