no bearings, no compass

"Dear Reader...

I’m sorry I haven’t written to you in so long. 

I feel I've been lost...no bearings, no compass. 

I kept crashing into things, a little crazy I guess..."

Sorry it's been so long since I have posted. I have missed writing and feel worse off when I don't blog. It's like something shuts down; a month goes by and have no record of what I was feeling and what was happening. Work has been chaotic, we had our major inventory two weeks ago and that takes a lot of prep on the front and on the back end. Things are getting back to normal though, slowly but surely. Normal - what does that even mean?? Sometimes I don't even know anymore...

My mom is moving this weekend, up north past the state border. Not an insurmountable distance but still it will be a big change from right across the hallway.

Then there is my new unexpected path upcoming; I have picked the classes I want to take in the Fall. Going back to school fills me with trepidation lately. I don't know how working part time and going to school will be. I don't know who I can count on or fall back on if I come up short financially, emotionally. I just don't know. Is any weakness, fragility, vulnerability going to be allowed? So much of life requires a hardness, a resilience. How is that not supposed to change a person?

Nationally and globally there is chaos, despair, deceit everywhere. Tragedy of unthinkable understanding in Japan, in cancer hospitals, on the streets of every city everywhere. People just living their lives, trying to get through the day, giving no thought to the day. Overwhelming. Political disappointment is legion. Such hope I had with this President; I feel so betrayed. Governors behaving like fascist dictators. It's truly revolting.

And then there's God. Where is God? What do I believe anymore? What can be known about Him? There is distance between me and Him; I know it and I feel hopeless in how to fix it. I've tried so much; churches, "community", fellowship - all that jazz I've tried and still I have no tune, no harmony, no steady beat to live to. I don't know. I don't want to settle. I don't want to settle, not when it comes to Christ and the community that lives in and through His beautiful, invaluable name. I can't. I won't. People aren't perfect. I AM NOT PERFECT! How well I know this! and I am not seeking a perfect Christian utopia; I am just seeking authentic devotion to Christ above all, consistent and constant from the leadership to the "audience" attendee. Do I ask too much?! I am sick of posers pretending, acting, faking love to Jesus and brotherly love towards each other. In my greatest times of need very few of my brothers, mothers (Matthew 12:49) in Christ have held me in their arms and in their hearts. Abandoned I feel, forsaken even to a degree. There is one relationship that stings and come to mind so often I wish I had machine with which to suck the memory from my temporal lobe. We were baptized together. Baptized together! and now nothing. No communication in any form. Completely cut me off, cut me out and this when my mother was going through breast cancer. What kind of human being, what kind of Christian is this person?!?! That question haunts me. What am I supposed to feel and for how long?

If You, O Mighty One, hold me in Your arms, than their are none that can snatch me from Your hand. These words are my acknowledging hold of You for I know You are always there...

Psalm 43 (The Message)

 1-2 Clear my name, God; stick up for me against these loveless, immoral people.
   Get me out of here, away
      from these lying degenerates.
   I counted on you, God.
      Why did you walk out on me?
   Why am I pacing the floor, wringing my hands
      over these outrageous people?

 3-4 Give me your lantern and compass,
      give me a map,
   So I can find my way to the sacred mountain,
      to the place of your presence,
   To enter the place of worship,
      meet my exuberant God,
   Sing my thanks with a harp,
      magnificent God, my God.