a common feeling

There is a feeling that comes over me at times when I think of Jesus Christ. When I really stop everything and think of Jesus the person, Jesus the only Son of God, Jesus the perfect sacrificial lamb - I feel terribly sad. So worthy, so holy, so good is Jesus. Such a terrible marvel that the spotless Lamb must suffer, must die because of mankind. It is a struggle to accept him and all that he is for myself. I say to myself, "He may have died for other people but not for me." I feel at times like curling into a ball, prostrate upon a patch of dark earth and whisper, "Unworthy! Unworthy! Unworthy!" and when I see and hear his love reaching out to me I inside cry "Unclean! Unclean! Unclean!" It is a hard thing for me to accept God's love shown to me through Christ.

The times when I do accept the truth are made all the more unbearable when I fail again, sin once again in the same way, fall to the same inner weakness. How many promises have I made to You and not kept?! How many unknown things do I do and think that are wrong in Your eyes?! How can God love me and want to have me as own?! How can He who is the the constant constancy in all of existence, willing receive me, the hopelessly inconsistent and fickle, into his arms?

I feel like church all my life has done nothing to ease my fears and sorrows. I have gone to many churches over the course of 20 years. From the smaller church where the pastor knew your name, to the mega church where I'm just a face in the crowd, I've experienced it all. The Church is the beloved of Christ and the Church is to be a body of people working together, needing many different parts in order to truly function. The concept doesn't seem to match the reality; some might ask, "Does that matter?", I ask "Shouldn't it matter?" There will I guess always be disagreements and difference in any man involving institution but that seems a poor explanation and a lame excuse for the disunity and non purity I've witnessed and experienced.

What would Paul say if he were here today? I wonder...