Is it real? This day, this experience - is it real? Could I have had this sooner and have been someone completely different now? What was the reason I didn't try harder before? Was it because there was no sunlight to help me grow up? Did I lack the encouragement or the help? Words were everywhere. The old loved to give me words of encouragement but loathed to dispense the means of real help. Was the soil of my birth to inhospitable for life to flourish? What held me back from going for it long ago? I want to know. I pride myself on being strong but maybe that is only what I told myself to hide the truth that really I was afraid. I was angry. I was beaten. I was alone. The world had shown to one so young such a dark side of itself. To want something, to want something was too painful for wants equal disappointments and expectations only existed to be dashed.
"Be a father to yourself now." Sometimes I think we have to be our own best friend and some of us even have to be our own good parents. Whether it be distance or simple lack, there are times when we have to take care of ourselves. The summer story of the swimmer who jumped in the river to save his drowning friend weighs upon me now. The would-be-savior drowns, taken by the same unforgiving current. Sometimes in seeking to save the drowning we ourselves become lost at sea. Our own sacrifices should be given with all we are or not at all and even then, the result is not always what we think it will be. Life is not a logical equation.
"What have you learned Dorothy?"
Monday, August 22, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
the road paved with...
I had to report to jury duty recently. Luckily I didn't have to serve; I say lucky not because I think jury duty is stupid or because I hate America - no, it's lucky because at this particular moment in my life serving on a jury would be a great financial hardship to me. (If I sound defensive it's because the judge put me through hell in getting out of serving. I felt like I was in grade-school again getting chided for "bad behavior." My patriotism was put into question as well as the legitimacy of my reason for release. Only homelessness was a good enough financial reason in this particular judges eyes for me to be excused. It was not a pleasant experience.) Anyway, while I was walking from my non-validated, self-paid parking spot into the court house to be scanned and searched, I noticed the sidewalk into the courthouse was cracked and big chunks of cement were missing. Immediately the thought came to me that the road to justice is full of holes and cracks. It's a sad thought but I also think it's kind of a true one.
That is not to say I feel justice is never given. Of course out of the hundreds of thousands cases some are bound to contain some measure of justice. But what is interesting about our legal system is all the variables that come into play. Justice is supposedly blind but is she really? If a client has enough coin or is a celebrity they usually have an advantage or edge. Judges have different personalities and different ways of interpreting laws so that can be factor. The competence, character and personality of lawyers is also critical in the outcome of a case. It seems in an odd way like the law is cut and dry until you get into a court room. Just like police can in some instances lawfully lie to a suspect, attorneys can mislead and misdirect all for the sake of winning. Truth and honor become muddied quickly by men, it is our nature defile.
I wish the road to justice was smooth and paved solid but I am realistic enough to know that it isn't. Justice takes work, perseverance, attention and above all a love for truth. Pontius Pilate is famously recorded as asking, "What is truth?" There is a part of me that wants to hide inside that question like Pilate did. There is a part me that wants to throw my hands up in the air and declare life too complicated and truth too subjective to be pinned down. But is that what God would have me do? What would Jesus say the road of righteousness and truth is paved with? I think he would say, "It is paved with the blood of innocence." His innocence paid the price of the guilty. Making what is wrong into what is right is a lesson in sacrifice, forgiveness, and mercy - it's ultimately a lesson in love.
When the wrong is too great and no repayment possible, it is there we see Justice's knife is sharp and arm long reaching. Justice in this world should be pursued and never taken for granted. Where there is no love of law there is no love for man. Justice needs an enforcer and the best enforcer of justice is no mere man. There is a justice after this life that is nearer than we know and far more lasting. May good fear keep us now and always on the narrow road that is Jesus Christ, the road paved with his priceless blood.
Friday, August 5, 2011
nightly news
The world does not see
Our black sisters
Our black sons
Dying in the land of famine.
Being blinded by the god called mammon,
The world does not see
The world does not face
Our black sisters
Our black sons
Swollen profit trumping sunken skin
“What in the end does the Market win?”
The world does not face
The world does not stop
Our black sisters
Our black sons
Dying in the desert sun
Their grief is never done
The world does not stop
The world cannot leave
Our sisters
Our sons
For we are weaved into One
Together may we come
And see hungers effects undone
Thursday, August 4, 2011
human smoke signals
All this made me think how sometimes signals can surround us yet never get through to us. It's like being in a locker of impenetrability. In life we can come to feel unnoticed, unappreciated and undervalued. We check our cell phone, our blog, our Facebook, our email and if no messages are there we feel unloved. If this discouragement continues our ability to receive even positive feedback breaks down. We revert to auto pilot to get through the days. We get less hopeful about the future and more negative about the past. Everyone wants to feel noticed and cared about but in the locker there is only silence. No messages get in and none get out.
Allowing ourselves to be open for communication doesn't come without risks. Anyone who has ever been hurt in a relationship knows the temptation that exists to cocoon yourself off from others out of fear. Relationships can sometimes seem to come with more valleys than high tops. Being inside the locker where signals can't reach you can make one safe from bad signals but the tragedy of the locker is it also keeps out the good signals too. I encourage us both to not lock ourselves off from others. When you feel low and no messages are in any of your many inbox's, think of someone you can send a message to and do it. You'll feel better for it I promise.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
my friend...
"I had this friend a while back." I really hate that sentence. I hate that the possessive tense falls in the past. I know that people in these modern times aren't meant to "possess" each other at all and for all intents and purposes I agree with that. But there is also this other side of myself that feels we are kidding ourselves if we think the desire for possession isn't an intrinsic part of our human makeup. "We're in this together", "You jump, I jump", "Till death do us part" - all these sayings and more derive from the fact that belonging to one another is a very real human desire.
The idea of belonging isn't only for humans. Look at the animal kingdom. Lions have prides, birds have flocks, cows have herds, ants have colonies - life on planet earth is a testament to the idea of belonging. I feel like there is an extreme faction out there saying that ANY kind of belonging or needing is wrong but not all belonging is bad. Sometimes it's a good thing to be sheltered under a protective wing whether its the wing of a parent or the United States Bill of Rights. It's good to be cared about, to be valued by someone as much as they value themselves. It is a beautiful thing to be loved.
"A friend I had a while back is a friend no longer." It's so hard to say that but it's the truth to say. It happened years ago now and I thought I was over it and past it, but a few months ago something happened and brought the loss with all its negative feelings back to me. My analytical nature went through it all again, every detail, still trying to figure out why this person stopped wanting to be my friend. I told myself that it bothered me so much because it was "un-Christian" like behavior on their part. I told myself it was my concern for her and not myself that troubled me. However, what I have come to realize is that beneath my religious jargon it was my own pride that was truly bothered. It hurt my pride when this person rejected me. My pride hates to this moment the idea that this person thinks they are better than me, above me, able to have no decent regard for me. Behind my pretense of "caring Christian seeking peace and reconciliation" is a hotheaded petty fool. Under the guise of concern for others, I was truly obsessed with myself - with my pain. I was humiliated at being slighted and written off by this person. I was angry and pissed. I was rejected and hurt. I was confused and filled with uncertainty. I didn't want to face those feelings.
They say someone who is envious is "green with envy" but what color is someone infected with pride? I haven't been the same person inside since all this really started. I know it; I can feel it. I look the same, I wear the same clothes, I still put my hair in a ponytail, I wear glasses while reading. I am not green or red or blue through the world’s eyes, yet inside I was as hard as stone, heavy as concrete and cold as ice. The color pallet of the world for me was reduced to blue and blacks. Not all the time, not everyday but overall my soul was anything but whole and at peace. While outside I did all I always did, inside I was unwilling to accept the remedy of God's love. I'm still working all this out, I don't think I am back to whole yet but I have come to see this sin in me; now I need to see my Savior.
Is the phrase "Best Friends Forever" only for the Babysitter Club Books in the fiction section? What does friendship mean in our society? In our Christian communities? I see how seriously society takes the concept of marriage and my fears regarding friendship only deepen. But that whole rant there is nothing but drivel. In the end the truth is I have been in relationships with some people and those relationships ended and it's not everyone else's fault or a greater societal problem. Dealing with negative feelings is painful. It takes a kind of courage to take a close look at ourselves, to see our faults and acknowledge our wounds.
"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (Romans 12:18) At the center of all our human relationships is Jesus and if we lose sight of that we lose everything. For every relationship that left me less whole than more, I have had wonderful relationships that continue to grow me and hold me near; these friendships are like diamonds in the rough. We are all mixed bags of faults and friendly fires. Know yourself. Know your own shortcomings. It makes it so much easier to help in overlooking the shortcomings of others when you see how flawed you yourself are.
The idea of belonging isn't only for humans. Look at the animal kingdom. Lions have prides, birds have flocks, cows have herds, ants have colonies - life on planet earth is a testament to the idea of belonging. I feel like there is an extreme faction out there saying that ANY kind of belonging or needing is wrong but not all belonging is bad. Sometimes it's a good thing to be sheltered under a protective wing whether its the wing of a parent or the United States Bill of Rights. It's good to be cared about, to be valued by someone as much as they value themselves. It is a beautiful thing to be loved.
"A friend I had a while back is a friend no longer." It's so hard to say that but it's the truth to say. It happened years ago now and I thought I was over it and past it, but a few months ago something happened and brought the loss with all its negative feelings back to me. My analytical nature went through it all again, every detail, still trying to figure out why this person stopped wanting to be my friend. I told myself that it bothered me so much because it was "un-Christian" like behavior on their part. I told myself it was my concern for her and not myself that troubled me. However, what I have come to realize is that beneath my religious jargon it was my own pride that was truly bothered. It hurt my pride when this person rejected me. My pride hates to this moment the idea that this person thinks they are better than me, above me, able to have no decent regard for me. Behind my pretense of "caring Christian seeking peace and reconciliation" is a hotheaded petty fool. Under the guise of concern for others, I was truly obsessed with myself - with my pain. I was humiliated at being slighted and written off by this person. I was angry and pissed. I was rejected and hurt. I was confused and filled with uncertainty. I didn't want to face those feelings.
They say someone who is envious is "green with envy" but what color is someone infected with pride? I haven't been the same person inside since all this really started. I know it; I can feel it. I look the same, I wear the same clothes, I still put my hair in a ponytail, I wear glasses while reading. I am not green or red or blue through the world’s eyes, yet inside I was as hard as stone, heavy as concrete and cold as ice. The color pallet of the world for me was reduced to blue and blacks. Not all the time, not everyday but overall my soul was anything but whole and at peace. While outside I did all I always did, inside I was unwilling to accept the remedy of God's love. I'm still working all this out, I don't think I am back to whole yet but I have come to see this sin in me; now I need to see my Savior.
Is the phrase "Best Friends Forever" only for the Babysitter Club Books in the fiction section? What does friendship mean in our society? In our Christian communities? I see how seriously society takes the concept of marriage and my fears regarding friendship only deepen. But that whole rant there is nothing but drivel. In the end the truth is I have been in relationships with some people and those relationships ended and it's not everyone else's fault or a greater societal problem. Dealing with negative feelings is painful. It takes a kind of courage to take a close look at ourselves, to see our faults and acknowledge our wounds.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
we don't but we can
We don't talk about it.
We don't talk about whether the Rapture Doctrine is biblical and when it started.
We don't talk about the damage wrong sincere beliefs do to the innocent.
We don't talk about the theocracy craving far right here in our own homeland.
We don't talk about the political "Christian" posers.
We don't talk about it.
We don't talk about why Mother Theresa more often felt far from God, not close to him.
We don't talk about how the Christian experience is at times is a lonely experience.
We don't talk about what makes Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons beliefs wrong.
We don't confront with the truth and thus spread light. We are always defending, never offending.
We don't talk about how attendance isn't the same as presence.
We don't talk about sacrificing our whole selves for Him.
We don't talk about it.
We don't value the inner-self above the outer body.
We don't talk about rampant promiscuity.
We don't talk about the sacrificial offerings women are taught to make regarding their virtue.
We don't talk about the reasons why women kill other little women growing inside themselves.
We don't talk about it.
We don't talk to one another alone, instead we face our image to the whole world & know not 1 person.
We don't talk to those touched with a soul more melancholy.
We don't talk to the one who wounded us inside.
We don't talk to the person in the seat beside us.
We don't but we can.
We don't talk about whether the Rapture Doctrine is biblical and when it started.
We don't talk about the damage wrong sincere beliefs do to the innocent.
We don't talk about the theocracy craving far right here in our own homeland.
We don't talk about the political "Christian" posers.
We don't talk about it.
We don't talk about why Mother Theresa more often felt far from God, not close to him.
We don't talk about how the Christian experience is at times is a lonely experience.
We don't talk about what makes Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons beliefs wrong.
We don't confront with the truth and thus spread light. We are always defending, never offending.
We don't talk about how attendance isn't the same as presence.
We don't talk about sacrificing our whole selves for Him.
We don't talk about it.
We don't value the inner-self above the outer body.
We don't talk about rampant promiscuity.
We don't talk about the sacrificial offerings women are taught to make regarding their virtue.
We don't talk about the reasons why women kill other little women growing inside themselves.
We don't talk about it.
We don't talk to one another alone, instead we face our image to the whole world & know not 1 person.
We don't talk to those touched with a soul more melancholy.
We don't talk to the one who wounded us inside.
We don't talk to the person in the seat beside us.
We don't but we can.
come back, little thought
come back, little thought
Fleeting
Fumbling
Thought
So quickly the "genius" is turned off
My muse goes on holiday in seconds
The play on words plays me
And I can't remember where my mind just was
I try to recreate the moment
But the threads are slipping through my mental fingers
I am emotionally grieved by this loss
What was the idea?
Think. Think. Think.
Alas
it
is
no
good.
It
is
gone.
Locked in a box
Not to be shared
Lost by my cerbral cortex
I am in the grieving process
Acceptance is eluding
Come back thought
Come back to me
Monday, August 1, 2011
You are the light
"You are the light of the world."
Who is this statement about? Is it about: A) Jesus? B) John the Baptist? or C) Paul who was formally Saul? The remarkable thing about the above statement is that Jesus is the one who said it and he said it to ALL his followers. If you are a follower, he is saying it to you. "You are the light of the world." You don't have to be an author with a top-selling book under your belt or a blogger with a fan following to be the light of the world. You don't have to be a monk or a nun to be the light of the world. You don't have to be Mother Theresa or a seminary graduate to be the light of the world. You don't have to have the Noble Peace Prize awarded you by the Swiss to be the light of world. You don't have to shave your head and go without bathing for a month at a time to be the light of the world.
Don't think you aren't good enough , important enough or devoted enough to be the light of the world. Don't let setbacks and mishaps keep you from being who Jesus says you are. Whatever happened yesterday or comes your way today will ever change the Truth: You are the light of the world. (Matthew 5:14)
Who is this statement about? Is it about: A) Jesus? B) John the Baptist? or C) Paul who was formally Saul? The remarkable thing about the above statement is that Jesus is the one who said it and he said it to ALL his followers. If you are a follower, he is saying it to you. "You are the light of the world." You don't have to be an author with a top-selling book under your belt or a blogger with a fan following to be the light of the world. You don't have to be a monk or a nun to be the light of the world. You don't have to be Mother Theresa or a seminary graduate to be the light of the world. You don't have to have the Noble Peace Prize awarded you by the Swiss to be the light of world. You don't have to shave your head and go without bathing for a month at a time to be the light of the world.
Don't think you aren't good enough , important enough or devoted enough to be the light of the world. Don't let setbacks and mishaps keep you from being who Jesus says you are. Whatever happened yesterday or comes your way today will ever change the Truth: You are the light of the world. (Matthew 5:14)
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