my friend...

"I had this friend a while back." I really hate that sentence. I hate that the possessive tense falls in the past. I know that people in these modern times aren't meant to "possess" each other at all and for all intents and purposes I agree with that. But there is also this other side of myself that feels we are kidding ourselves if we think the desire for possession isn't an intrinsic part of our human makeup. "We're in this together", "You jump, I jump", "Till death do us part" - all these sayings and more derive from the fact that belonging to one another is a very real human desire.

The idea of belonging isn't only for humans. Look at the animal kingdom. Lions have prides, birds have flocks, cows have herds, ants have colonies - life on planet earth is a testament to the idea of belonging. I feel like there is an extreme faction out there saying that ANY kind of belonging or needing is wrong but not all belonging is bad. Sometimes it's a good thing to be sheltered under a protective wing whether its the wing of a parent or the United States Bill of Rights. It's good to be cared about, to be valued by someone as much as they value themselves. It is a beautiful thing to be loved.

"A friend I had a while back is a friend no longer." It's so hard to say that but it's the truth to say. It happened years ago now and I thought I was over it and past it, but a few months ago something happened and brought the loss with all its negative feelings back to me. My analytical nature went through it all again, every detail, still trying to figure out why this person stopped wanting to be my friend. I told myself that it bothered me so much because it was "un-Christian" like behavior on their part. I told myself it was my concern for her and not myself that troubled me. However, what I have come to realize is that beneath my religious jargon it was my own pride that was truly bothered. It hurt my pride when this person rejected me. My pride hates to this moment the idea that this person thinks they are better than me, above me, able to have no decent regard for me. Behind my pretense of "caring Christian seeking peace and reconciliation" is a hotheaded petty fool. Under the guise of concern for others, I was truly obsessed with myself - with my pain. I was humiliated at being slighted and written off by this person. I was angry and pissed. I was rejected and hurt. I was confused and filled with uncertainty. I didn't want to face those feelings.

They say someone who is envious is "green with envy" but what color is someone infected with pride? I haven't been the same person inside since all this really started. I know it; I can feel it. I look the same, I wear the same clothes, I still put my hair in a ponytail, I wear glasses while reading. I am not green or red or blue through the world’s eyes, yet inside I was as hard as stone, heavy as concrete and cold as ice. The color pallet of the world for me was reduced to blue and blacks. Not all the time, not everyday but overall my soul was anything but whole and at peace. While outside I did all I always did, inside I was unwilling to accept the remedy of God's love. I'm still working all this out, I don't think I am back to whole yet but I have come to see this sin in me; now I need to see my Savior.

Is the phrase "Best Friends Forever" only for the Babysitter Club Books in the fiction section? What does friendship mean in our society? In our Christian communities? I see how seriously society takes the concept of marriage and my fears regarding friendship only deepen. But that whole rant there is nothing but drivel. In the end the truth is I have been in relationships with some people and those relationships ended and it's not everyone else's fault or a greater societal problem. Dealing with negative feelings is painful. It takes a kind of courage to take a close look at ourselves, to see our faults and acknowledge our wounds.

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (Romans 12:18) At the center of all our human relationships is Jesus and if we lose sight of that we lose everything. For every relationship that left me less whole than more, I have had wonderful relationships that continue to grow me and hold me near; these friendships are like diamonds in the rough. We are all mixed bags of faults and friendly fires. Know yourself. Know your own shortcomings. It makes it so much easier to help in overlooking the shortcomings of others when you see how flawed you yourself are.