empty

Life is a roller coaster. One day, one month, you are up, feeling terrific, happy and then something internal or external happens and you’re not anymore. You can't identify what it is but there is an ache, a nagging twinge telling you something isn't right. You try to push it from your mind, "accentuate the positive" like the song says but the unease won’t go away.

We are so critical of ourselves, of each other. My God! the time we waste worrying, comparing, maneuvering.

We lie to ourselves and to each other, and it can be so easy. Duplicity, deception - how well do we really know ourselves? Lies exist in the mind and like water flow off the tongue.

I googled several things so far tonight. "empty Christian" "empty in the bible" "hollowed out Christian"... None of the results have made me "feel better" and maybe I'm not supposed to. I am struggling, here and now in the middle of the biggest breakthrough of my life, I am struggling with wondering all over again who God is.

Who God is...
I don't know.
and people,
people who have the answers with ease
have their look together
have the trifecta going - family, friends, fashion
I don't trust them. I don't believe them when they say "Jesus is the best."
Of course you feel that way you suburbanite yuppie; you aren't starving in Somalia, you aren't being blown up in Iraq, you aren't putting your dead baby back into the earth.
I don't trust Joel Osteen. I dislike Joyce Meyer.
No one can be so freaking upbeat all the time. Its gotta be mask. Its just another show, another act.

Jesus didn't die for a country.
Jesus didn't die for a political ideal.
Jesus didn't die for a political purpose period.
Jesus didn't die for a government.
Jesus didn't die for a cause, like saving the rainforest or child obesity.
Jesus didn't die to stop homelessness or end cancer or prevent AIDS.
Jesus didn't die for social equality or racial harmony.
Jesus didn't die to make us feel better.
Jesus didn't die so I could have stuff, really nice stuff or really shitty stuff.

Jesus died. And it was terrible and holy and beautiful because it was the only way to give absolutely dead people absolute life forever. Real life. Not breathing in and out and walking around the planet life, that's temporal.

We are so freaking temporary. By this time next Friday I could be dead and buried and nothing but a memory and its true for all of us. We have no real control over what's possible. I think anyone who tells you different "is selling you something."

With God it is all about quality not quantity. How much real quality can we give to him when we aren't even honest with ourselves? How can I give him quality when I am so wrapped up in the quantity? I count the minutes of my time - sharefest, sanctuary, car prayer time - and you know what, it isn’t enough. So many Christian feel worthless if they haven’t dedicated their careers to a ministry organization and that is so sad. We are blown away by pop culture entitled sermon series, which we could have come up with ourselves if only someone would pay us a freakin salary with health benefits to do so. We marvel at the man on stage but given his many resources, would we not be able to "dazzle" audience in the same way? We live in a world that is quickly changing and yet in many ways is so much the same as it has been from the beginning; mankind will do whatever they can to do what they want and ignore God.

Who is God?  “Who is this man named Jesus?” (Luke 8:25)