Who do YOU say I am?

Our day begins with the loud beep of the alarm clock. The drip drop of the coffee maker in the kitchen is more soothing a sound to our still sleepy souls, but the serenity it tries to provide doesn't last very long. All too soon we are shuffling out the door and out unto the small roads and grand highways. Encased in our vehicular cocoons we contend with the overwhelming noise of our big-small world as we go to and fro, from dawn to dusk.

Beep Beep Beep
Honk Honk Honk
Ring Ring Ring

The day is filled with inescapable noise. You turn on the radio and find pundits spewing poison in their constant tempest rages and rants; they seek not to soothe but to rile. You turn to music but the lyrics are senseless, soulless, generic garbles glorifying lust, drugs, and violence. You seek out conversation that extends beyond the weather page, but it isn't easy to make deep connection in a constant moving current.

Life is complicated. There is so much to find on this amazing moving marble that is our home. We can find beauty, we can find friendship, we can find love - but finding implies a certain level of searching. Searching can be tough. It is great to find but it is hard to seek. The seeker seeks because he is not whole. Emptiness causes a deep ache that is agonizing. To lack something essential inside is to suffer and suffering...well...sucks.

Sometimes I think we say we found something just so we can avoid the suffering that is seeking. Giving up on truly finding for ourselves what fills the emptiness, we listen to the noises around us. A legion of voices say they have found contentment "Here! Wait! NO its over there!" Contentment becomes a moving target that never stills because we don't really know what we want or really need. Often we settle for unbelievablly less than we deserve or want.

Jesus asked his disciples, "Who do you say I am?" The noise about Jesus and around Jesus was loud and everyone had a different answer to the question, but the only thing that mattered to him was what each individual said he was and that reality hasn't changed. He still wants to know what each of us thinks of him. It's not going to matter what anybody else said; he wants to know what you say. So get quite and get real because it's what YOU say that matters. He isn't going to ask what everyone else said; he is going to look into your eyes and into your heart and ask, "Who do YOU say I am?" Will there be silence then?

Mother's Day 2012

Some thoughts on this Mother's Day Sunday 2012: The word mother is connected to words like protection, safety, nurture, and love. A couple of weeks ago I was on the cities busiest street when I noticed a mother goose and her brood of adorable ducklings wandering on the side of road. I was tempted to get out and shoo them to safety but I suppressed the urge and remained in my vehicle. Even if I intervened, nothing would make them stay in the five foot area that represented life on a road that so quickly could be their doom. The mother goose seemed undecided about where she was going. Her little goslings would be marching off in the direction their mother had been facing only to look back and see that she was no longer moving that way. The goslings would stop, turn around, and move closer to their mother. As much as they wouldn't go their way without her, she wasn't going her way without them. She didn't take flight and flee the busy road for that would mean abandoning her little nonflying chicks. The goslings for their part, knew they needed their mother. There was no marching on unless she said it was OK. Mothers protect their young from dangers that are obvious and from those that are more subtle. Mothers bring forth life and help sustain it.

 

A mothers work is truly never done. All I can do is offer thanks to my mom and to mothers out there everywhere. Happy Mother's Day! xo

an hours observation

As I was waiting for the dreaded time clock to turn from 4:59 to 5:00, signally my release from work purgatory, it made me think how much one minute can change a persons life. What if I didn't wait that one minute and punched out at 4:59? Would 4:59 me have a completely different experience driving home? Would I pass different people and encounter different obstacles? 4:59 me might have a completely different evening than 5:00 me. On the news there will sometimes be a story about someone getting in an accident because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time; something as small as one minute could have made all the difference. Watching or waiting for one minute to tick by fills a soul with meek wonder. Time casts a shadow bigger than any of can us understand; just one minute can make a lifelong difference...

As I was walking to my car, I saw a tiny little ant scurrying among the faded blacktop facade of the parking lot. I wondered if he had a destination in mind as he scurried so hurriedly. Was his a random journey? Was he lost on the lot? Did he feel disoriented on the black surface being cooked by the hot sun? Do ants lose their way? Nature shows portray ants as being forces of nature, highly organized and intelligent, able to wander far from their homes. Was he a scout on a mission or a loner who was lost? One little ant, was he missed? Are we?

I drive a small compact car. It suits me I guess. I can't imagine tooling around town in big truck or a large SUV. They say people start to look like their pets, I wonder if the same is true for people and their cars. I have noticed that the person getting out of bigger than life vehicle usually has a bigger than life personality. My small car would probably say, "sensible, efficient, modest" not "sleek, sexy, fun". Sigh. As I was at a stoplight going north, I noticed my exact car at the stoplight but traveling east. I did a double take when I saw it. It was like catching a glimpse in a trick mirror. I have seen cars like mine traveling on the road before of course but there was something different about it this time. Here we were identical in so many ways, though moving in different directions, and for this one moment in this constantly moving world, we were stopped at the same point. It got to me for some reason. I heard someone say once that everyone has a twin on the other side of the world, someone who is just like them. Maybe our look-a-likes are closer than we think. Maybe these so called look-a-likes are realy other versions of ourselves on different paths. Will the fragmented pieces of ourselves every come together and stay?

day undone+superfluous Starbucks story

Starting something at the end is what I am doing now. I am lying in bed typing each letter painstakingly with one finger on my nook tablet keyboard. It is amazing how long it takes to finish a sentence using this thing. I am frustrated but I am pressing on because I feel like my day will not be done unless I write something.

What follows is a superfluous Starbucks story brought to you courtesy of my life experiences... I was in desperate need for a Starbucks the other morning. The drive-through line was so long I decided to just go in and order. I had just gotten out of my 7:00 AM chemistry class and I was a visual/mental mess. My hair was crazy and sticking up, untamed by my headband and ponytail attempt. I had no makeup on and was pale and blotchy looking. I totally looked like what I was, a person who had rolled out of bed, got into her car, and was now wandering about society. I was wearing an over-sized blah grey hoodie and a pair of sad boring tennis shoes. As I was waiting for the barista to make my wake-up elixir, I noticed a woman who was standing in line next to me. She was carrying a posh Coach bag and her hair was perfectly quaffed. She was wearing fashionable black high heels and had on bright red well fitting slacks. She looked very sheik and put together. I wondered if she felt as cheery and put together as she looked. The outsides of us can indicate or hide internal truths and states of being.  It made we wonder what our outsides are saying about us and if what it is saying is true...

take it easy

This is a reminder to myself and to anyone else who happens to pop by to take it easy.

Take it easy. Don't take things too seriously. Don't take yourself too seriously. Laugh. Laugh at least once day from deep inside you. Laughter is what keeps us young and strong. When the "To Do List" is too long or when loneliness is circling in - remember to take a breath, look up, and take it easy. Don't freakout. Don't stress. Breathe. Relax. It really isn't that bad and it really will be ok.

Romans 8:31-39 (NLT)
Nothing Can Separate Us from God’s Love
What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.
Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

the importance of exfoliating

Skincare is something I spend a lot of time on. Finding the right products, applying them in the right way, reading other peoples reviews, getting results - believe me when I say I have spent a lot of time on skincare. An actual goal of my life has been trying to have the perfect complexion, one that is even and flawless. Why this rant about skincare and facial regimes after months of not posting anything? It’s because I have come to realize something about myself and it’s an unflattering truth. In reading over some of my older posts, I recognize a hardness, a cynicism, even a bitterness towards other people, towards life, and maybe even towards God and I don't like it.

In one of The Chronicles of Narnia books there is a story about someone becoming a dragon (call it faulty memory but the name of the character eludes me). The dragon form this individual has been reduced to has thick, crusty scales that no amount of self-exfoliation can remedy. As much as the once man now dragon struggles to peel the layers off, the more futile the struggle shows itself. A deeper treatment is needed to break through the hardness and the pride - a treatment not of this world is what is needed.

I am about to finish my freshman year of college. It has been an amazing-surreal-blur of a journey. I have put myself out there academically and I am succeeding. In June, I take my state test to become a certified CNA, the first step in a nursing career. All of this feels great and it is good but even though this last year has been a dream become a reality for me, there is nevertheless an emptiness that prevails underneath it all.

One of my professors recently asked me to name a personal goal. I thought about it and thought about it but pinning one down became difficult. Even now I am not sure of a specific, all I can see is the overarching goal of wanting my life to have mattered. When I think about making a marked positive difference in this world, I am thinking about having made a difference in another persons life. The most intimate of differences is the relationships we have with other people. I am not so interested in making a generic "difference in the world" as I am in making a difference in another human beings life. That to me equates a life that matters. Lessening pollution, saving the polar bear, creating art that moves people - is all fine and good and admirable, but helping/holding/healing other people matters more than anything.

All of this goes back to the importance of exfoliation because in order to make a difference one needs to be able to touched, to be moldable, to be free, to be stripped of all masks and pretenses AND MOST OF ALL one needs to be in possession of a fearless fear. A fearless fear pushes you forward while still giving you firm foundation to stand on. The only thing I have heard of that gives fearless fear, is to know personally the glory of God shining in the face of Christ Jesus. I got the idea about fearless fear from the song Amazing Grace... "Twas grace that taught my heart to fear and grace my fears relieved.." How one should tremble and fear before God and yet oh the sweet joy, relief, and fearlessness trusting Jesus gives. Like nothing else. What man would invent such a concept?!!

I guess I am writing to say that my mojo is back. I know that I suppressed my love of God and my knowledge of him. I know that I want to say that it will never happen again, but I can't honestly make a promise like that. All my words, good intentions, promises, and plans come to nothing when I am behind them. All I can do is say that I am sorry for my fear that didn't come out of love and that I want to change and believe Jesus can and will change me for he has and does. So here is to knowing fearless fear and praying to never forget it.

1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

1 Peter 2:17
Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.