Skincare is something I spend a lot of time on. Finding the right products,
applying them in the right way, reading other peoples reviews, getting results
- believe me when I say I have spent a lot of time on
skincare. An actual goal of my life has been trying to have the perfect
complexion, one that is even and flawless. Why this rant about skincare and
facial regimes after months of not posting anything? It’s because I have come
to realize something about myself and it’s an unflattering truth. In reading
over some of my older posts, I recognize a hardness, a cynicism, even a
bitterness towards other people, towards life, and maybe even towards God and I
don't like it.
In one of The Chronicles of Narnia books there is a story about someone
becoming a dragon (call it faulty memory but the name of the character eludes
me). The dragon form this individual has been reduced to has thick, crusty
scales that no amount of self-exfoliation can remedy. As much as the once man
now dragon struggles to peel the layers off, the more futile the struggle shows
itself. A deeper treatment is needed to break through the hardness and the
pride - a treatment not of this world is what is needed.
I am about to finish my freshman year of college. It has been an
amazing-surreal-blur of a journey. I have put myself out there academically and
I am succeeding. In June, I take my state test to become a certified CNA, the
first step in a nursing career. All of this feels great and it is good but even
though this last year has been a dream become a reality for me, there is
nevertheless an emptiness that prevails underneath it all.
One of my professors recently asked me to name a personal goal. I thought
about it and thought about it but pinning one down became difficult. Even now I am
not sure of a specific, all I can see is the overarching goal of wanting my life
to have mattered. When I think about making a marked positive difference in
this world, I am thinking about having made a difference in another persons life. The
most intimate of differences is the relationships we have with other people. I
am not so interested in making a generic "difference in the world" as
I am in making a difference in another human beings life. That to me equates a life
that matters. Lessening pollution, saving the polar bear, creating art that moves people - is all fine and good and admirable, but helping/holding/healing other people matters more than anything.
All of this goes back to the importance of exfoliation because in order to
make a difference one needs to be able to touched, to be moldable, to be free,
to be stripped of all masks and pretenses AND MOST OF ALL one needs to be in possession of a
fearless fear. A fearless fear pushes you forward while still giving you firm foundation to stand on. The only thing I have heard of that gives fearless fear, is to
know personally the glory of God shining in the face of Christ Jesus. I got the idea about fearless fear from the song Amazing Grace... "Twas grace that taught my heart to fear and grace my fears relieved.." How one should
tremble and fear before God and yet oh the sweet joy, relief, and fearlessness
trusting Jesus gives. Like nothing else. What man would invent such a
concept?!!
I guess I am writing to say that my mojo is back. I know that I suppressed
my love of God and my knowledge of him. I know that I want to say that it will
never happen again, but I can't honestly make a promise like that. All my words, good intentions, promises, and plans come to nothing when I am behind them. All I can do is say that I
am sorry for my fear that didn't come out of love and that I want to change and
believe Jesus can and will change me for he has and does. So here is to knowing fearless fear and praying to never forget it.
1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to
do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
1 Peter 2:17
Show proper respect to everyone, love the
family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.
No comments:
Post a Comment