timid to bold

afraid to be assertive - it's a conundrum for sure

there are two problems (1) not having any idea what you want out of a situation or (2) knowing what you want but settling for something else, usually something far less than what you really want

[i am ignoring punctuation and caps today - deal with it :)]

there is all this pressure in our relationships to define them, to label them, to classify them - i don't know if that pressure is good and keeps us honest or bad and keeps us hostile

recognizing what is right, true, pure, good - is important don't get me wrong - but recognizing that is worthless without follow through. in other words it's easy to perceive a situation but it's much harder to change or accept it.

it's one thing to know that something is right or wrong in your heart; it's another thing entirely to do something about it

here's the thing... sometimes a person keeps their distance because they're trying to prevent themselves from hurting another person... i get that... there is a certain nobility in that... but that preventative distance in certain circumstances can cause a type of hurt in and of itself... and if i'm already hurting from what might be the right thing, it's very tempting to say bring on the hurt of the wrong... does that make any sense?

we get ourselves into situations often without thinking at all about the long term consequences or we tell ourselves despite our qualms or misgivings we can handle it...

i use these words with fearful caution... i wish i could type a whisper... perhaps it would be better... perhaps it would be better for both of us... if we had never met

there is no point in would have been. what happened, happened. it is what it is, it was what it was. nothing more. nothing less.

at the end of it all i know i'm nothing but an addict... my addiction isn't a substance illegal or otherwise... it's a life of memories, sharing, laughter, and tears that was never solid, never graspable, never really real... there are times in our lives where we grieve for the life we expected to have and don't.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

who knows?

Scarlett: Rhett, how could you do this to me, and why should you go now that, after it's all over and I need you, why? Why?

Rhett Butler: Why? Maybe it's because I've always had a weakness for lost causes, once they're really lost. Or maybe, maybe I'm ashamed of myself. Who knows?

-from the film Gone With the Wind

 

 

What is a beautiful life? What is a good death? Forgive my moroseness, I had a rotation in hospice nursing this week and my mind is just jumbled mush today. I feel like I loose my threading and the tapestry of my mind becomes all tangled and knotted - I can't make sense of it.

 

A beautiful life to me isn't about objects that shine or materials that can be bought. Anyone with a visa can have that. I want something that is priceless - that can't be purchased - that can't be lost. If my home gets destroyed by a fire, swept away by a flood, or blown away by a tornado - I want to see that wreckage in all its devastation and I know I didn't lose a thing, not a single thing of real importance as long as the one I love wasn't in it. That would be a loss. That would be something for which there is no recovery.

 

Death feels wrong - doesn't it? Were we made to die originally? Weren't we supposed to live forever? Never getting old, never getting sick, never getting tired and weak. Every day of life brings us one step closer to our death. Will it be a car accident, a heart attack, a malignant tumor? How will it end? Will politics matter, or sport team preference, or ability to name every tune on classic rock radio profit or change anything in that moment when you die? I don't think so, why then do we credit so much importance to these things now?

 

I talk too much and I say too little. God delivers but on his time. He says be patient and we have no choice but to be... don't we...? Is there romance in waiting or just endless prolonged agony?

Regarding Jane Austen's book Persuasion, "It's about... waiting. These two people meet. They almost fall in love, but the timing isn't right, and they have to part. Then, years later, they meet again. They get another chance. But they don't know if too much time has passed, if they've waited too long, if it's too late for things to work out."

how I feel

one line silenced me, the others undid me

"Love is patient" - not pushy

"Love is kind" - it's considerate

"Love does not envy" - it's not insecure

"Love does not boast" - it's not excessively prideful

"Love does not dishonor others" - Love never does anything that creates regret for the other person ever - it is not disgraceful, dishonorable, or indecent

"Love is not self-seeking"

Be somebody worth pursuing, not just because it will benefit another but because it also benefits you.

could/should/do

"...I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me..."
-lyric from song Silver Springs by Fleetwood Mac
 

"You're holding on to a life that doesn't want you anymore. It doesn't want you."
-the movie Ghost

You know what I've come to realize? I'm stubborn...and I fear it's in all the wrong ways.

Why is the heart drawn to what it's drawn to? Why do some people occupy a place in our souls with minimal effort? Why is there a lack of connection to those who want desperately to be part of us and a pull towards those who don't want anything to do with us? I wonder sometimes if the feelings that develop do so more from pride and stubbornness than purity and honesty. We can become so fixated on feelings that we become blind to reality that exists beyond them. When is patience the right thing, and when is it just stalling?

I wonder how love works for Jesus. He knows already who will ultimately be saved and who will ultimately perish. Does His supreme knowing effect the pull He feels towards every beating heart?

I think God allows us to feel unreciprocated love to give us a window into how He feels. It's painful to love another from a place of purity when you know that love will not be returned. Lack of reciprocation, however, doesn't make the love go away. There's this perception that God doesn't love those He doesn't save and I just don't buy it. He's always loved all He's made and He's always loved his people; it's just His love didn't keep them from harm, His love sadly didn't stop them from doing whatever the hell they wanted. Love doesn't force, that's not loves power. What's powerful about God's love (and all real love) is it exists even when it's not returned, it can survive even when it has every logical reason to die.

Making peace with love: I will NEVER stop wanting the best for you. I with tears accept, if I must, that I may never be with you, but I will never stop desiring only the best things for you. ox