the picture

I sometimes worry that my life is one breathe away from disaster. A fine and delicate balance is required just to keep many big important systems on the status quo; some days the stress it takes shows on my face, my dark eyes tell the whole tragic story. All-in-all I think I hide it pretty well. I'm a champion at keeping my mouth shut, I always have been. Nothing to brag about, nothing to be proud of - just the reality of the situation.

What is the connection between trust and truth? When you can't depend on the one's closest to you, how do you go on? When you learn that truth is to be unspoken and trust meaninglessly given, what do you do?

I can't bring a great family to the table of my relationships - do you know what I mean? Some people have great families that love them, full of trust and truth - but, at the core this is not mine. It just isn't. This is a negative when it comes to dating because eventually the talk of families comes into play and mine is such a source of disappointment and shame for me. I feel disloyal as I type these words out. How dare I be so... ... real...

There is something about sharing the truth that there is no trust between me and my closest family, that hurts almost more then the fact itself. When I say it out loud to another, I can't bear to see pity reflecting back at me. I desperately want to be real about the chasm that exists between me and family, but I also hate the risk that honesty requires.

I minimize the depths of my hurt, my unfortune, with cliches like "Others have it worse, be thankful" or "Everything happens for a reason," but the truth is I'm heartbroken. I think there are parts of my heart that are missing and will never be mended. Who would ever want to become part of my life with this huge mess - a mess I don't believe will be fixed here on this side of life? I don't want someone who thinks they can fix it (it's not up to anyone to do that!) but I want someone who can look at it in all its gore and love me all the more. I don't know if that even makes sense.

I should be joyous. Where I am at in my life, this place of actually working towards a legitimate personal/lifelong goal - I should be happy. Why can't I feel happy about my accomplishments and path trajectory? I realized recently it's because I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop in my life. The family shoe I don't know that is out there waiting to squash me like an insect. I never know what these family members are up to. What they've gotten themselves into and are letting rot till the stench overwhelms and suffocates me.

I have a picture in my mind. I don't know if its idyllic and impossible or noble and true. It a picture of a family - all the pieces present - mom, dad, child - it sits on a mantel in a house filled with love and trust, safety and respect. Everyone smiles in the picture without worry because they have what no amount of money can buy or secure. The picture on the mantel is just one of many that show pure peace. Manipulating and maneuvering, puzzling and guessing are not a factor. These are unheard of to the imagined people in the picture. For them the needs of us and we outweigh the needs of I or me. It's the picture you know. God make it be.