a poke in the eye

I poked myself in the eye this morning with my eyebrow brush. I guess I was trying to brush my eye, not a good idea if you ever feel curious.

As my damaged right eye was full of tears and agony it was refusing to open, so it fell to my other eye to pick up the slack of being responsible for sight, a job it didn't really seem up to. It was having sympathy squinting issues I think. As I was blow drying my hair in the dark (I had this odd notion that darkness would make my eye less sensitive to the distress it was experiencing) I couldn't believe that I had done this to myself.

It's been a few hours and righty is much better now. She's open and blinking normally, no tears, so that's neat. It made me think some hurts resolve quicker than others...

Let's leave physical injury off the table. Here is a question to ponder: Are there mental and emotional hurts that never resolve or, more specifically, are there mental and emotional hurts that will never be resolved here on this side of eternity? Are there pains that we will just have to bear till we die?

Activities in self-analysis and introspection are beneficial and necessary but those things only identify a problem, or identify a pattern of thinking, or identify a way we are processing the world that might not be helpful. What resolves a hurt once it is identified? What transforms the way a person is in the world from one way, a way they have known all their life perhaps, to a better and different way?

I am not sure what transforms but I know Who. Jesus answered and said to him, “Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.” (John 3:3). "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life" (John 3:16) We all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord (2 Corinthians 3:18).

What should we learn from the woman at the well?

an elevator goes up and down, but all of it does really

This past Monday was rough for me. I don't know what it is that makes my anxiety multiply and my ability to think of things rationally and proportionally disappear but it is at times a very real and frightening issue for me.

Grumpiness. A funk. Under a cloud. Call it what you will, sometimes it just feels like nothing is alright and everything is wrong; the ability to appreciate anything good is lost and hope is totally extinguished.

What allows this to happen? Is it multiple elements coming together to form this vortex of sadness or is it a slow piling of straws until one finds they have finally reached one too many? Why does a thought that seems absurd now have seemed so legit before? Where does rationality run to? 

The verse of the day at biblegateway.com is: "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him." (James 1:5) That's poignant because I could really use some wisdom right now and it being offered without reproach is simply a bonus at this point. God is so generous, so good to be patient, so good to be kind, so good to be constant in His character forever.

Ephesians 4:14 states, "... that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine..." It's a small portion of larger chunk of scripture where Paul is talking about how Jesus has given everyone different spiritual gifts - some to be pastors, some to be teachers, etc.. And whatever the gift He has given you is, it's to be used to build up the Church, the body of Christ, fellow members, one another. Verse 14 is so significant because it comes after describing how we need to be there for each other, be together, ground in the Spirit and knowledge of Jesus Christ. When we are tossed to and fro and carried about by dark winds of thought - we need a friend's encouragement as we wait for the storm to pass. I am so blessed that I found that type of support from another Christian last Monday when I desperately needed it.  

I think it was yesterday morning I got in the elevator with someone finishing a call on their cell phone. They said "I love you" as they hung up. It was nice. Do you ever observe small things like that? A mother holding her child's small mittened hand as they walk along. A person running ahead to get the door for a stranger. A man snow blowing the sidewalk for his elderly mom. The small things are every thing sometimes. Answering a text message. Sending a note of encouragement. Smiling and making eye contact with people you meet. The elevator goes up and down and so do we  - whatever you do today, do it with kindness and love (1 Corinthians 16:14). xo

top down problem

Last week I was looking out my office window to the parking lot below and there was a Volkswagen beetle that looked fine from every angle but the roof. The paint on the roof was badly damaged, maybe from prolonged exposure to some sort of corrosive tree sap or something. I don't know, I'm not sure, but it looked rusted and discolored while the rest of the body looked fine.


It made me think how we can be that way. We can give the appearance that we are doing the right thing and have it all together on the outside but all the while our "roof" aka our inner thoughts are a mess of anger, pride, fill in the blank with your vice. Appearances can be deceiving.


Jesus said in Matthew 23, "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people's bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness."


Seeing that car made me think how living a holy life is a top down problem. Our thoughts direct our words and ultimately our actions. We can't hope to act righteously when we starve our spirit giving it no Living Word to feed on but a 1000 other lesser things. 


We are fickle fallible mortals and we have to fight alot of things - genetics, hormones, past difficulties - and sometimes it's a tough fight and we can lose our way. I know there are times when I can look back on a part of the past and depending on my mood or mental state, the very same event can be a source of debilitating pain or proof of resiliency that sparks the strength to go on. It's the times of struggle when when we can't find hope or can't see the truth with our own eyes that we need most to see with His eyes. During His life on earth Jesus saw and experienced earthly sorrows but He also had the benefit of the eternal lens. I don't think we think about eternity enough especially in our society and culture of instant gratification. We are quickly fading flowers, here today and gone tomorrow. 


Jesus said, "For where your treasure is there your heart will be also." He doesn't mince words when it comes to telling us mortals that we are most often not honest with ourselves, much less honest with each other. However, there is one thing that will give away the real us every time: it's our heart. “Where our treasure is there our heart will be also.“ I find myself asking, "What am I treasuring?" xo

fearsome maker-gentle whisperer

I have been up early enough to see the sunrise these last couple days. The suns rise is rather repetitive, happening daily and all; you could cynically say that there is nothing special about them but you would be wrong.


Each sunrise is different and never to be repeated or duplicated again. It's guaranteed to no one that they will see tomorrows. All that is contained in the suns trek across the sky - the smiles, the tears, the love, the hate - can't be undone - that's good and bad.


The sun rises and it closes the chapter on the night - some of which are dark not just because light is absent. Lust, loneliness, despair - these are dark emotions and feelings that seem to become more pronounced at night. For some, making it through to the dawns early light is no small victory but a monumental one. (May we try to remember that the next time an unkind thought crosses our minds - we just don't know what or how heavy someone else's burdens are and how small the thread they're holding on to is.)


This morning I was looking at the sunrise and thinking of God's kindness and gentleness. The sunrise was a brilliant, fierce, sorbet colored delight. It made me feel small for a lot of reasons. One, a sunrise like that is certainly a sign of God's goodwill and great character because there is certainly nothing we have done to deserve such a beautiful gift. Two, it isn't something man can make. We can't make the sunrise, literally. Let yourself feel the beautiful smallness of that fact.


But it also occurred to me that on other places on this expansive marble we live on others aren't waking to this sight. A hurricane is barring down upon a sandy shoreline somewhere now. A lightening bolt is striking the ground and a booming crack of thunder is drowning out all else. A snowstorm is creating an avalanche of crushing ice and rock miles long.


God is a gentle whisper and a fearsome maker. Whatever box we try to put Him in or whatever frame we use to define Him is too small. We just don't and we just can't see all that He is. "Each of the four living creatures had six wings and was covered with eyes all around, even under its wings. Day and night they never stop saying: "'Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty,' who was, and is, and is to come." (Revelation 4:8).

accept/except

Have you ever accepted something with your head but your heart wouldn't listen? Or have you ever known something to be true in your gut before there was "evidence" to prove it was true? How do you finally stop excepting and accept?

Some things are hard to accept. I don't know why I have such a difficult time accepting certain things but I have to remind myself over and over to not go there. I don't know if it's a lack of closure. I don't know if it's because of severe trauma, like PTSD. I don't know. 

I read something that was profound to me, "Hearts weren’t built to be borrowed."

Maybe that's part of the issue for me. I feel a sense of something unsettled, something very wrong, and something that makes me very very sad... 

"When one prize is stripped away, we can graciously be reminded of how little we have apart from Christ and the fortune he’s purchased for us with his blood. He has become for us wisdom for the foolish, righteousness for sinners, sanctification for the broken, and redemption for the lost and afraid (1 Corinthians 1:30) — and affection and security and identity for the lonely man or woman reeling after the end of a relationship. So even in the aftermath of a breakup we have reason to boast, as long as our boast is in everything Christ is for us (1 Corinthians 1:31)."

I try to talk to my soul. To preach to myself. To say why are you downcast oh my soul hope in the Lord (Psalm 42:11). I look up solid council but it's hard to believe it.

I guess all any of us can do is turn to God under the cover Jesus' love and say, "I believe! But help my unbelief! You know every hurt, every trauma I've endured, every intentional cruel word uttered to me not to mention those I don't know, every pain I've internalized for better or worse. Help me. Heal me. Show me Your love and that it's for me. Amen."