all there is

"It is the very pursuit of happiness that thwarts happiness." - Viktor Frankl

When we ask ourselves the question, "What do I want?" the answers we give points to the greater needs we have. "I want my car to stop making that loud noise" (so my need of self reliance is met, I don't have to depend on others to get around.)  "I want to go home heat up some leftovers, have a beer and unwind" (so my need of comfort,  hunger, and leisure can be met). "I want them. That is a given. Always. I want to be near to and be with them" (To what need this want satisfies...I cannot say because honestly no longer know...)

There are moments in life (and it can feel like a rare event) when you get exactly what you've wanted. The biopsy comes back negative, the acceptance letter comes in the mail, the pumpkin lattes are back at Starbucks and you would think that in that moment you'd be happy. What you've desired is what you have received; there should be exuberance that doesn't end especially after all the anguish, worry, and struggle that it often takes to get that moment in time. But as we hold close what we have so long waited for, somehow we are let down. Maybe it's exactly what we thought it would be or maybe it's not at all like we expected, but we discover we are still not complete, still not whole, still somehow disappointed. So we begin again, we formulate new desires, schemes, and plans trying to bring about contentment that doesn't cease, joy that doesn't lessen, a fullness that never wains.

At our core, at the foundation of every one of our natures, I believe there's hunger. Not just an "I could eat" apathetic kind of hunger but a ravenous, cavernous hunger that is dark and frightening. We gaze at nature - sunsets, starry nights, tumultuous tornadoes - because we did not make them and yet they are there. We are finite beings who long for the infinite. At the end of all earthly pursuits we remain unsatisfied because those things (as beautiful as they can at times be) don't eternally satisfy, our heart still aches. "He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

We try to satisfy our hunger for the infinite by feeding it with the temporary - food, sex, technology -and for a time it appears to work until we discover that the more we feed our temporary hungers the bigger their appetite becomes. What satisfied before doesn't anymore, we need something different, something more extreme, more exciting, doing things we said we'd never do, choosing to forget boundaries and the meaning of self control.

What is the solution? What hope can there be against the tedium that can be life? We don't even know the depths of our own natures though we are deplored by what have only thus far seen within ourselves. We make promises to others that go unmet, we say words we don't mean to satisfy hungers that can't be fulfilled. We are stuck in what feels an infinite loop of work, paycheck, debt, work. Infinite joy is sacrificed for immediate pleasure. We loose our ability to even blush at the perverse becoming desensitized to corruption, tragedy, and greed.

Is there a source, giver, and sustainer of joy or is this all there is? What does your hunger tell you?