nightly news

The world does not see

Our black sisters

Our black sons

Dying in the land of famine.

Being blinded by the god called mammon,

The world does not see

The world does not face

Our black sisters

Our black sons

Swollen profit trumping sunken skin

“What in the end does the Market win?”

The world does not face

The world does not stop

Our black sisters

Our black sons

Dying in the desert sun

Their grief is never done

The world does not stop

The world cannot leave

Our sisters

Our sons

For we are weaved into One

Together may we come

And see hungers effects undone

human smoke signals

There is a locker at work where I stow my purse and belongings during the day. The locker is in my office near a window and yet my cell phone can't get a signal inside the locker. I don't know why, it's not like the locker is made out of titanium. My phone will actually go in roaming mode and then power down. I liken it to my phone being in another country when its in the locker. Once it leaves the locker, the phone gets back onto the Verizon network and fetches any texts that have been circling in space. 

All this made me think how sometimes signals can surround us yet never get through to us. It's like being in a locker of impenetrability. In life we can come to feel unnoticed, unappreciated and undervalued. We check our cell phone, our blog, our Facebook, our email and if no messages are there we feel unloved. If this discouragement continues our ability to receive even positive feedback breaks down. We revert to auto pilot to get through the days. We get less hopeful about the future and more negative about the past. Everyone wants to feel noticed and cared about but in the locker there is only silence. No messages get in and none get out.

Allowing ourselves to be open for communication doesn't come without risks. Anyone who has ever been hurt in a relationship knows the temptation that exists to cocoon yourself off from others out of fear. Relationships can sometimes seem to come with more valleys than high tops. Being inside the locker where signals can't reach you can make one safe from bad signals but the tragedy of the locker is it also keeps out the good signals too. I encourage us both to not lock ourselves off from others. When you feel low and no messages are in any of your many inbox's, think of someone you can send a message to and do it. You'll feel better for it I promise.

my friend...

"I had this friend a while back." I really hate that sentence. I hate that the possessive tense falls in the past. I know that people in these modern times aren't meant to "possess" each other at all and for all intents and purposes I agree with that. But there is also this other side of myself that feels we are kidding ourselves if we think the desire for possession isn't an intrinsic part of our human makeup. "We're in this together", "You jump, I jump", "Till death do us part" - all these sayings and more derive from the fact that belonging to one another is a very real human desire.

The idea of belonging isn't only for humans. Look at the animal kingdom. Lions have prides, birds have flocks, cows have herds, ants have colonies - life on planet earth is a testament to the idea of belonging. I feel like there is an extreme faction out there saying that ANY kind of belonging or needing is wrong but not all belonging is bad. Sometimes it's a good thing to be sheltered under a protective wing whether its the wing of a parent or the United States Bill of Rights. It's good to be cared about, to be valued by someone as much as they value themselves. It is a beautiful thing to be loved.

"A friend I had a while back is a friend no longer." It's so hard to say that but it's the truth to say. It happened years ago now and I thought I was over it and past it, but a few months ago something happened and brought the loss with all its negative feelings back to me. My analytical nature went through it all again, every detail, still trying to figure out why this person stopped wanting to be my friend. I told myself that it bothered me so much because it was "un-Christian" like behavior on their part. I told myself it was my concern for her and not myself that troubled me. However, what I have come to realize is that beneath my religious jargon it was my own pride that was truly bothered. It hurt my pride when this person rejected me. My pride hates to this moment the idea that this person thinks they are better than me, above me, able to have no decent regard for me. Behind my pretense of "caring Christian seeking peace and reconciliation" is a hotheaded petty fool. Under the guise of concern for others, I was truly obsessed with myself - with my pain. I was humiliated at being slighted and written off by this person. I was angry and pissed. I was rejected and hurt. I was confused and filled with uncertainty. I didn't want to face those feelings.

They say someone who is envious is "green with envy" but what color is someone infected with pride? I haven't been the same person inside since all this really started. I know it; I can feel it. I look the same, I wear the same clothes, I still put my hair in a ponytail, I wear glasses while reading. I am not green or red or blue through the world’s eyes, yet inside I was as hard as stone, heavy as concrete and cold as ice. The color pallet of the world for me was reduced to blue and blacks. Not all the time, not everyday but overall my soul was anything but whole and at peace. While outside I did all I always did, inside I was unwilling to accept the remedy of God's love. I'm still working all this out, I don't think I am back to whole yet but I have come to see this sin in me; now I need to see my Savior.

Is the phrase "Best Friends Forever" only for the Babysitter Club Books in the fiction section? What does friendship mean in our society? In our Christian communities? I see how seriously society takes the concept of marriage and my fears regarding friendship only deepen. But that whole rant there is nothing but drivel. In the end the truth is I have been in relationships with some people and those relationships ended and it's not everyone else's fault or a greater societal problem. Dealing with negative feelings is painful. It takes a kind of courage to take a close look at ourselves, to see our faults and acknowledge our wounds.

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (Romans 12:18) At the center of all our human relationships is Jesus and if we lose sight of that we lose everything. For every relationship that left me less whole than more, I have had wonderful relationships that continue to grow me and hold me near; these friendships are like diamonds in the rough. We are all mixed bags of faults and friendly fires. Know yourself. Know your own shortcomings. It makes it so much easier to help in overlooking the shortcomings of others when you see how flawed you yourself are.

we don't but we can

We don't talk about it.

We don't talk about whether the Rapture Doctrine is biblical and when it started.
We don't talk about the damage wrong sincere beliefs do to the innocent.
We don't talk about the theocracy craving far right here in our own homeland.
We don't talk about the political "Christian" posers.
We don't talk about it.

We don't talk about why Mother Theresa more often felt far from God, not close to him.
We don't talk about how the Christian experience is at times is a lonely experience.
We don't talk about what makes Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons beliefs wrong.
We don't confront with the truth and thus spread light. We are always defending, never offending.
We don't talk about how attendance isn't the same as presence. 
We don't talk about sacrificing our whole selves for Him.
We don't talk about it.

We don't value the inner-self above the outer body. 
We don't talk about rampant promiscuity.
We don't talk about the sacrificial offerings women are taught to make regarding their virtue. 
We don't talk about the reasons why women kill other little women growing inside themselves. 
We don't talk about it. 

We don't talk to one another alone, instead we face our image to the whole world & know not 1 person. 
We don't talk to those touched with a soul more melancholy.
We don't talk to the one who wounded us inside.
We don't talk to the person in the seat beside us. 
We don't but we can.

come back, little thought

come back, little thought

Fleeting 

Fumbling 

Thought

So quickly the "genius" is turned off

My muse goes on holiday in seconds

The play on words plays me 

And I can't remember where my mind just was

I try to recreate the moment

But the threads are slipping through my mental fingers

I am emotionally grieved by this loss

What was the idea? 

Think. Think. Think.

Alas

it

is

no 

good.

It 

is

gone.

Locked in a box 

Not to be shared

Lost by my cerbral cortex 

I am in the grieving process

Acceptance is eluding

Come back thought 

Come back to me

You are the light

"You are the light of the world."

Who is this statement about? Is it about: A) Jesus? B) John the Baptist? or C) Paul who was formally Saul? The remarkable thing about the above statement is that Jesus is the one who said it and he said it to ALL his followers. If you are a follower, he is saying it to you. "You are the light of the world." You don't have to be an author with a top-selling book under your belt or a blogger with a fan following to be the light of the world. You don't have to be a monk or a nun to be the light of the world. You don't have to be Mother Theresa or a seminary graduate to be the light of the world. You don't have to have the Noble Peace Prize awarded you by the Swiss to be the light of world. You don't have to shave your head and go without bathing for a month at a time to be the light of the world.

Don't think you aren't good enough , important enough or devoted enough to be the light of the world. Don't let setbacks and mishaps keep you from being who Jesus says you are. Whatever happened yesterday or comes your way today will ever change the Truth: You are the light of the world. (Matthew 5:14)

monks write blogs so so can I

While I was working last week, in between my "working", I happened upon a blog by a Catholic Monk Priest guy and it occurred to me, "If this dude can write a blog, so can I." So in an attempt to get something down before the month of July is completely over I am here at my computer typing at 10 PM on Saturday night. Do I have life changing words to share? ... ... no...not really.... chirp of the cricket... but never the less my thoughts are no less worthy than the zillion of other bloggers in the blogosphere. (I am giving myself a little pep talk here. I have to do that. I live a lot in my head, too much actually and sometimes I get so caught up I don't let anyone in, even the idea of anyone. I can't keep waiting for an emotional cheerleader to appear every time I am down. I will have to cheer for myself instead. Take the bull by the horns, take matters into my own hands, grab life by the balls... ok maybe that was a bit much. But maybe we all need to do that, cheer for ourselves I mean. Every once in a while, take a timeout and say "Go for it!" Sometimes I think we need to parent ourselves once in while too but that is another issue.)

So lets recap where we are at since our last meeting:

Nationally we are on the brink of financial collapse and our legislative branch is being held hostage by a few people who apparently really like pretending to reenact events in the 1700's. Nice. We're all still struggling to eek out a life on this complex spinning marble called earth, our dwelling. We are confused as ever about why things are the way they are and how much longer they will be so. Simple answers no longer sooth as they once did - we want to see "The Wizard behind the curtain" - though we know we have no right. So we go on, breathing in and breathing out while we can, at time stopping to consciously take that deep breath but more often than not breathing without thinking. Some have stopped their breathing though their existing goes on in forms we no longer see.

Spiritually I am seeking the eternal fountain, longing to take a drink from the Well I once knew but somehow was lost to me in the desert wilderness that is dark. Many a savage beast, some in stealth disguises - wolves among the sheep - have taken chunks of my heart and wounded my mind. Many missing pieces I fear are lost forever and the scabs of the wounds are slow to come and when the wound looks it healed, it in time is found to once again be bleeding. The fountain I seek is not the mythical fountain of youth but eternal Fountain of Life. I knew it waters once. I sat by them, drank often from its continual spring. But now I am parched through and through. No fake kool-aid will sooth this thirst any longer. I need the waters that drive away thirst forever... 

Psalm 143
A psalm of David.
¹ LORD, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
² Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.
³ The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in the darkness
like those long dead.
⁴ So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
⁵ I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
⁶ I spread out my hands to you;
I thirst for you like a parched land.
⁷ Answer me quickly, LORD;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
⁸ Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life.
⁹ Rescue me from my enemies, LORD,
for I hide myself in you.
¹⁰ Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.
¹¹ For your name’s sake, LORD, preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
¹² In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.