the importance of exfoliating

Skincare is something I spend a lot of time on. Finding the right products, applying them in the right way, reading other peoples reviews, getting results - believe me when I say I have spent a lot of time on skincare. An actual goal of my life has been trying to have the perfect complexion, one that is even and flawless. Why this rant about skincare and facial regimes after months of not posting anything? It’s because I have come to realize something about myself and it’s an unflattering truth. In reading over some of my older posts, I recognize a hardness, a cynicism, even a bitterness towards other people, towards life, and maybe even towards God and I don't like it.

In one of The Chronicles of Narnia books there is a story about someone becoming a dragon (call it faulty memory but the name of the character eludes me). The dragon form this individual has been reduced to has thick, crusty scales that no amount of self-exfoliation can remedy. As much as the once man now dragon struggles to peel the layers off, the more futile the struggle shows itself. A deeper treatment is needed to break through the hardness and the pride - a treatment not of this world is what is needed.

I am about to finish my freshman year of college. It has been an amazing-surreal-blur of a journey. I have put myself out there academically and I am succeeding. In June, I take my state test to become a certified CNA, the first step in a nursing career. All of this feels great and it is good but even though this last year has been a dream become a reality for me, there is nevertheless an emptiness that prevails underneath it all.

One of my professors recently asked me to name a personal goal. I thought about it and thought about it but pinning one down became difficult. Even now I am not sure of a specific, all I can see is the overarching goal of wanting my life to have mattered. When I think about making a marked positive difference in this world, I am thinking about having made a difference in another persons life. The most intimate of differences is the relationships we have with other people. I am not so interested in making a generic "difference in the world" as I am in making a difference in another human beings life. That to me equates a life that matters. Lessening pollution, saving the polar bear, creating art that moves people - is all fine and good and admirable, but helping/holding/healing other people matters more than anything.

All of this goes back to the importance of exfoliation because in order to make a difference one needs to be able to touched, to be moldable, to be free, to be stripped of all masks and pretenses AND MOST OF ALL one needs to be in possession of a fearless fear. A fearless fear pushes you forward while still giving you firm foundation to stand on. The only thing I have heard of that gives fearless fear, is to know personally the glory of God shining in the face of Christ Jesus. I got the idea about fearless fear from the song Amazing Grace... "Twas grace that taught my heart to fear and grace my fears relieved.." How one should tremble and fear before God and yet oh the sweet joy, relief, and fearlessness trusting Jesus gives. Like nothing else. What man would invent such a concept?!!

I guess I am writing to say that my mojo is back. I know that I suppressed my love of God and my knowledge of him. I know that I want to say that it will never happen again, but I can't honestly make a promise like that. All my words, good intentions, promises, and plans come to nothing when I am behind them. All I can do is say that I am sorry for my fear that didn't come out of love and that I want to change and believe Jesus can and will change me for he has and does. So here is to knowing fearless fear and praying to never forget it.

1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

1 Peter 2:17
Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.

adding an entry

I am adding an entry to April. I just want to so I am. It is May 11th.

My 2012 blog posts were nonexistent. Sorry about that, not that anyone commented or even noticed but we all have busy lives to lead so I will not let the lack of millions of readers or even one get me down. No sir. I will be like Kevin Costner in The Field of Dreams: "If you write it. Readers will come." I really hope that turns out to be true. Chefs need hungry people. Musicians need an audience. Writers need readers. Word. xo

My Great Capacity

What is your greatest gift? What would you say you’re best at? Is it an action, an emotion, a process? What do you do well?

Think of it a different way - what do you most look for in another? Is it ever only just one thing? Usually what we love about someone else is a combination, a collection of attributes. We don’t usually know what these characteristics are until we discover them so nicely put together for us outside of us. No one wants to be defined by a singular adjective. We all are more dimensional than the characters on Friends. Joey is dimwitted, Monica is obsessive, Phoebe is weird, but those of not contained in a TV show aren't that simple and we shouldn’t be. When you really love someone does wealth, family, or even appearance ever matter in the end? Like a work of art, when you love another person, you just know it. What we know from our gut can't be denied.

My great capacity might be for lack. I have a great capacity to lack things. Understanding, nuclear family, size 2 hips - all this I lack and more. There are other people I swear that seem to be a different species. Don’t tell me they don’t exist, I see them. They get to love Jesus and get everything they want or at least make it appear so. You’ve either seen these type of people or you are them. I don’t know which type is more to be pitied. As great as it would be to have it all, I’m not sure I could ever trust it, but trust for me is a recurring issue. If this stream of thoughts is rambling sorry just have to get out what's inside, like withdrawing a poison from a wound.

Whatever you are good at, gifted with, groomed for, there is no denying it. It makes you who you are. Maybe the Incarnation of God in Jesus is a lesson in acceptance. Jesus couldn’t be John, Herod or Pilot. I can’t be Kate Middleton, Gisele or Oprah. He couldn’t be a husband, a dad, or a reflecting old man. I can’t be a sibling, a mom, or daddy’s little girl. All my life I’ve been told that whatever I am either isn’t good enough or if it’s a quality found redeeming, that I had better show it constantly and never be found with it waning. One good quality made to be my only good quality. It’s a lot of unnecessary pressure on a psyche already suffering with some degree of genetic mental instability. Genetics don’t lie. It didn’t start with my mother or grandfather alone. Nope. This goes all the way back to the beginning of mankind when two people were severely stupid. So I say with deep respect... screw others expectations and live from your soul, your center - live out of the essence of Gods love, acceptance, and Light.

Jesus’ limitations comfort me. Maybe he inside wanted a different path than the one he was walking but he still walked on anyway. The knowledge of that means a lot to a girl who’s stepped in small circles all her life. If Jesus walked his path of worst and best case scenario at the same time, maybe we all do that. The path that is so hard, bumpy, and imperfect is also glorious, destined, and made available to us because of the completed work of Christ. Don't miss out on all the many twists and turns of the life he gives us, they are part of what make the journey. His greatest capacity is love and now it lives inside you.

empty

Life is a roller coaster. One day, one month, you are up, feeling terrific, happy and then something internal or external happens and you’re not anymore. You can't identify what it is but there is an ache, a nagging twinge telling you something isn't right. You try to push it from your mind, "accentuate the positive" like the song says but the unease won’t go away.

We are so critical of ourselves, of each other. My God! the time we waste worrying, comparing, maneuvering.

We lie to ourselves and to each other, and it can be so easy. Duplicity, deception - how well do we really know ourselves? Lies exist in the mind and like water flow off the tongue.

I googled several things so far tonight. "empty Christian" "empty in the bible" "hollowed out Christian"... None of the results have made me "feel better" and maybe I'm not supposed to. I am struggling, here and now in the middle of the biggest breakthrough of my life, I am struggling with wondering all over again who God is.

Who God is...
I don't know.
and people,
people who have the answers with ease
have their look together
have the trifecta going - family, friends, fashion
I don't trust them. I don't believe them when they say "Jesus is the best."
Of course you feel that way you suburbanite yuppie; you aren't starving in Somalia, you aren't being blown up in Iraq, you aren't putting your dead baby back into the earth.
I don't trust Joel Osteen. I dislike Joyce Meyer.
No one can be so freaking upbeat all the time. Its gotta be mask. Its just another show, another act.

Jesus didn't die for a country.
Jesus didn't die for a political ideal.
Jesus didn't die for a political purpose period.
Jesus didn't die for a government.
Jesus didn't die for a cause, like saving the rainforest or child obesity.
Jesus didn't die to stop homelessness or end cancer or prevent AIDS.
Jesus didn't die for social equality or racial harmony.
Jesus didn't die to make us feel better.
Jesus didn't die so I could have stuff, really nice stuff or really shitty stuff.

Jesus died. And it was terrible and holy and beautiful because it was the only way to give absolutely dead people absolute life forever. Real life. Not breathing in and out and walking around the planet life, that's temporal.

We are so freaking temporary. By this time next Friday I could be dead and buried and nothing but a memory and its true for all of us. We have no real control over what's possible. I think anyone who tells you different "is selling you something."

With God it is all about quality not quantity. How much real quality can we give to him when we aren't even honest with ourselves? How can I give him quality when I am so wrapped up in the quantity? I count the minutes of my time - sharefest, sanctuary, car prayer time - and you know what, it isn’t enough. So many Christian feel worthless if they haven’t dedicated their careers to a ministry organization and that is so sad. We are blown away by pop culture entitled sermon series, which we could have come up with ourselves if only someone would pay us a freakin salary with health benefits to do so. We marvel at the man on stage but given his many resources, would we not be able to "dazzle" audience in the same way? We live in a world that is quickly changing and yet in many ways is so much the same as it has been from the beginning; mankind will do whatever they can to do what they want and ignore God.

Who is God?  “Who is this man named Jesus?” (Luke 8:25)

is it real?

Is it real? This day, this experience - is it real? Could I have had this sooner and have been someone completely different now? What was the reason I didn't try harder before? Was it because there was no sunlight to help me grow up? Did I lack the encouragement or the help? Words were everywhere. The old loved to give me words of encouragement but loathed to dispense the means of real help. Was the soil of my birth to inhospitable for life to flourish? What held me back from going for it long ago? I want to know. I pride myself on being strong but maybe that is only what I told myself to hide the truth that really I was afraid. I was angry. I was beaten. I was alone. The world had shown to one so young such a dark side of itself. To want something, to want something was too painful for wants equal disappointments and expectations only existed to be dashed.

"Be a father to yourself now." Sometimes I think we have to be our own best friend and some of us even have to be our own good parents. Whether it be distance or simple lack, there are times when we have to take care of ourselves. The summer story of the swimmer who jumped in the river to save his drowning friend weighs upon me now. The would-be-savior drowns, taken by the same unforgiving current. Sometimes in seeking to save the drowning we ourselves become lost at sea. Our own sacrifices should be given with all we are or not at all and even then, the result is not always what we think it will be. Life is not a logical equation.

"What have you learned Dorothy?"

the road paved with...

I had to report to jury duty recently. Luckily I didn't have to serve; I say lucky not because I think jury duty is stupid or because I hate America - no, it's lucky because at this particular moment in my life serving on a jury would be a great financial hardship to me. (If I sound defensive it's because the judge put me through hell in getting out of serving. I felt like I was in grade-school again getting chided for "bad behavior." My patriotism was put into question as well as the legitimacy of my reason for release. Only homelessness was a good enough financial reason in this particular judges eyes for me to be excused. It was not a pleasant experience.) Anyway, while I was walking from my non-validated, self-paid parking spot into the court house to be scanned and searched, I noticed the sidewalk into the courthouse was cracked and big chunks of cement were missing. Immediately the thought came to me that the road to justice is full of holes and cracks. It's a sad thought but I also think it's kind of a true one.

That is not to say I feel justice is never given. Of course out of the hundreds of thousands cases some are bound to contain some measure of justice. But what is interesting about our legal system is all the variables that come into play. Justice is supposedly blind but is she really? If a client has enough coin or is a celebrity they usually have an advantage or edge. Judges have different personalities and different ways of interpreting laws so that can be factor. The competence, character and personality of lawyers is also critical in the outcome of a case. It seems in an odd way like the law is cut and dry until you get into a court room. Just like police can in some instances lawfully lie to a suspect, attorneys can mislead and misdirect all for the sake of winning. Truth and honor become muddied quickly by men, it is our nature defile.

I wish the road to justice was smooth and paved solid but I am realistic enough to know that it isn't. Justice takes work, perseverance, attention and above all a love for truth. Pontius Pilate is famously recorded as asking, "What is truth?" There is a part of me that wants to hide inside that question like Pilate did. There is a part me that wants to throw my hands up in the air and declare life too complicated and truth too subjective to be pinned down. But is that what God would have me do? What would Jesus say the road of righteousness and truth is paved with? I think he would say, "It is paved with the blood of innocence." His innocence paid the price of the guilty. Making what is wrong into what is right is a lesson in sacrifice, forgiveness, and mercy - it's ultimately a lesson in love.

When the wrong is too great and no repayment possible, it is there we see Justice's knife is sharp and arm long reaching. Justice in this world should be pursued and never taken for granted. Where there is no love of law there is no love for man. Justice needs an enforcer and the best enforcer of justice is no mere man. There is a justice after this life that is nearer than we know and far more lasting. May good fear keep us now and always on the narrow road that is Jesus Christ, the road paved with his priceless blood.

nightly news

The world does not see

Our black sisters

Our black sons

Dying in the land of famine.

Being blinded by the god called mammon,

The world does not see

The world does not face

Our black sisters

Our black sons

Swollen profit trumping sunken skin

“What in the end does the Market win?”

The world does not face

The world does not stop

Our black sisters

Our black sons

Dying in the desert sun

Their grief is never done

The world does not stop

The world cannot leave

Our sisters

Our sons

For we are weaved into One

Together may we come

And see hungers effects undone