unfolding your words

 The unfolding of your words gives light... (Psalm 119:130 ESV)

The idea of words as something that can be unpacked, unwound - is very interesting to me. First thing that came to mind with the word "unfolding" was fabric. Admitting that I enjoy domestic type tasks makes me the worst feminist ever probably, but I have daydreamed with pleasure about doing the laundry of my future. Yup, you read right, I daydream about my future laundry. I dream of my laundry being all mixed together with my significant others - the suds and bubbles, the feel of their warmth from the dryer, of me folding theoretical t-shirts with the greatest of pride. I'm not kidding. I really do dream that intricately. With the right perspective, the most banal of tasks becomes the most significant and treasured.

 

I lost my train of thought. Where was I going with this?

Ah yes..."The unfolding of your words gives light." Words do unfold. Words can be revealing, they can unravel us and others. Words can help to bind people together and also be what tears them tragically apart. Words can be like weights, the hurtful things said to us can remain long after the physical echo of their uttering has died. Words can be like lifelines, "a light for us in dark places when all other lights go out."

I have hopes. Here's one: Like so manys have been to me, I hope my words are a light to those who read them. xo

"woman with a broken heart"

Clickable link: Hannah's Vow

"I prayed for this boy, and since the LORD gave me what I asked Him for, I now give the boy to the LORD. For as long as he lives, he is given to the LORD."

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I am going to make, what is for me, a rather bold declaration: God is giving. May seem like a dumb obvious anticlimactic realization but it's extremely significant to me.

If I had something near an eternal want, a personal desire before the LORD, it would be to know beyond what I can know, that I have loved another and been loved by them in return. I don't trust my knowledge and I know my memory forsakes me. This love I desire would not be the worlds soiled definition but the sharp bright love of healing light from The Source of life.

We're often blinded to the reality that what we've asked for, prayed for, desired, sought out, and wept over - WE'VE RECEIVED. We ask God for things because we know that only He can really give them to us. What our hands alone can make doesn't long satisfy and never truly fills. All things are His. He gave Sarah and Abraham, Isaac. He gave Hannah, Samuel. To all who receive Him, He gives the right to be children of God (John 1:12). God gives, He's always giving.

And because what we receive is given to us from God, it's important to remember that it doesn't then become ours: it's still ever Gods. The desire to own, to possess for ourselves, runs deeper than we know. Belonging is knitted into our DNA.

I have wept, sobbed to the point of incoherency, in the darkness of nights past. I have bitterly wept and cried out "How much longer will You ignore me?! How much longer will You make me wait for my life to begin?!" Like gazing through a ethereal veil, is the truth that God answers prayer in ways too often unseen by us. I asked God to give me a man to love and He has. He's given me a man that I can't predict, can't tame, can't clasp, might extremely likely be unable to have - God's given me what I asked for in a sense, and in His wisdom forces me to give it back into His more capable, wise, strong hands.

I write this with the beginnings of tears because it's not easy. As Job, I again am brought down kneeling to the ground in helpless awe, crying out, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will leave this life. The LORD gives, and the LORD takes away. BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD." Job 1:21

intoxication

"There is always a need for intoxication: China has opium, Islam has hashish, the West has woman." -Andre Malraux, French novelist

 

"My peers, lately, have found companionship through means of intoxication-it makes them sociable. I, however, cannot force myself to use drugs to cheat on my loneliness-it is all that I have-and when the drugs and alcohol dissipate, will be all my peers have as well." -Franz Kafka

 

"The vine bears three kinds of grapes: the first of pleasure, the second of intoxication, the third of disgust." -Diogenes, Greek philosopher

 

 

I know my tolerance for alcohol is low. I've been made slightly tipsy from one beer; I know my alcohol limits and I don't cross-the-line.

I have never been drunk on spirits but I wouldn't say that means I have never experienced intoxication. There are things that can intoxicate a person that have nothing to do with fermentation and distilleries.

The word intoxicate originates from the Latin toxicum meaning poison. (Found that interesting though it makes sense.) Intoxicate is defined by Websters as: (a) to excite or stupefy by alcohol or a drug especially to the point where physical and mental control is markedly diminished (b) to excite or elate to the point of enthusiasm or frenzy.

Articulating wants is hard for me, maybe because to want something is to admit that it matters, but I am allowing myself one here now: I want to be the cause, the source, of another's intoxication - no alcohol required. If there is any such thing as "safe intoxication" - an intoxication of pure wellness - bottoms up.

give me

Before God we are all babies. Don't we all cry out "Give me!" like a child does, believing that everything should be and is ours by right and on demand?

"Give me what I want, the way I want it, right now!" It's a testament to God's goodness that we aren't blown into a zillion pieces because of our innate selfishness. Word.

All I can think in this moment is how badly I want what I want and not necessarily for all the right reasons. Nay, depending on the hour, the reasons for my wanting are less than pure to say the least.

God, give me not what I want but what you know I need. Help me to trust that You in all things desire good for me.

the lure of fire

"Love is something that you feel and very seldom see, but when you feel and see both at the same time, it’s everlasting.”  - photographer Anthony Barboza

 

When it comes to love, words are difficult. What is love really? Why do we love people? It seems like such an absurd thing to do, it's often not even a choice. Is love smart? Is it intellectual at all? A path we have transversed a thousand times before can become forever changed in an instant because of another, because of love. I believe that. I've experienced it.

 

Why do we know some people for years and never love them in the same way we love another we've known only hours, even minutes? Some people you met them and you just love them forever. Can't be changed. Can't be explained. Logic is irrelevant and time immaterial when it comes to love.

 

Everything he said in his drunken rambling type monologue was true; mostly everything of what I can remember was correct and I had no Guinness. (I get dazzled when I'm with him and zone out. I really need to work on not doing that. I mean how old am I? God. Get it together woman.) 

 

He's right. I know he's right. He made sense in his nonsensical stupor. Like a Sybil that goes into a trance to transmit truth, here intoxication was truths vector. Odd that he who would and could corrupt me so easily so readily, instead offers wise sound council. And he doesn't think there's any goodness in himself. Contradictions confound. 

 

It's not a game. I know that. I want you to know that I know, it's not a game. Behind all my teasing and joking I know the stakes are higher than ever. Innocence is serious. Intimacy sacred. At least I think so and don't want to give up those beliefs. I do understand that some things once done, can never be undone.

 

God shows himself through us and to us in ways unpredicted and uncounted; this time evidenced in a man who's wounds go deeper than I have yet to know, who in the dazzling darkness of night warned me to take heed over my body, soul, and mind.

 

Yet for all logic, all good council, all my noted wisdom from God...I fear akin to the generations of man before me, but like a moth to the flame am I...
 

virtual rule #11

Virtual Rule #11: Promptness

"Once you receive an invitation your first obligation is to send a prompt response...It's a basic courtesy, and will be truly appreciated by your hosts. Waiting until the last minute or until your host calls for your answer implies that you don't think much of the host or that you're waiting for a better invitation to come along." - Emily Post's Etiquette, 18th Edition

 

“I'm about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is (somebody) who didn't care enough to call.” Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not that Into You

I have been caught in the dreaded roulette of being too flexible, too available, and too nice. My social circle isn't huge and my time not infinite (work and nursing school to deal with) but introverted predispositions aside, I know that "social-ness" is important. I make the conscious effort to be social, to try to get out there, to make plans, all that jazz.

In the past, I have had a tendency to build my expectations too high. I don't know why I do that. Some of the best and funnest social moments I have had, have been impromptu events - no planning involved. I treasure those moments. I love when life offers good unplanned surprises; they really are the best most meaningful moments.

I feel that I have become a scheduler. I think college has played a part in that change. I just don't have time always available and I like to know what's going on and when because I also can be scatter-brained and forgetful.

Here is a scenario I know too well. Two people are texting about getting together for dinner, coffee, movie, whatever and it's just not happening. One person is available and the other is soooo busy. So the too-nice-one leaves it up to the other to make the arrangements, which of course they never do. God I hate that. I really hate being the planner all the time. I really hate making all the effort, keeping contact, all that stuff. Sometimes people who I haven't talked to in awhile, will make me feel guilty when we finally do communicate. It's so unfair. I may not have kept in touch but uhhh neither have you. Jesus. (Sorry emotional revealing rant there. Whoops.)

Please be prompt and don't lead people on about getting together when texting. Make the plans firm or don't make them at all. It's not right to show interest one day and not follow through. Be prompt. If you are taking on the responsibility of planning a get-together, than do it. If you say you want to do something with someone else, than do it. If you are always planning everything, and getting sick of it frankly, than stop. Don't make your life dependent on other people getting their shit together. If you want to do something, and can't find anyone to go with, consider this your loving reminder - it's OK to go alone. Really it is. It also might be time to try meeting some new people. (I know those words are like kryptonite to most introverts, but you know those few amazing people you know - well there are bound to be a couple more like them on the planet - right?)

Amos 3:3 "Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?" Hell no. So stop trying to hold hands with people who aren't going in the same direction as you. Sometimes despite all their protest textually - they really just aren't interested. REMEMBER: People always make time for what is important to them. Your patience doesn't have to extend over their rudeness. All we have control over is ourselves; be kind, be prompt.

body out of control

"Cancer grows out of normal cells in the body. Normal cells multiply when the body needs them, and die when the body doesn't need them. Cancer appears to occur when the growth of cells in the body is out of control and cells divide too quickly. It can also occur when cells forget how to die.
There are many different kinds of cancer. Cancer can develop in almost any organ or tissue, such as the lung, colon, breast, skin, bones, or nerve tissue.
There are many causes of cancer, including:

• Benzene and other chemicals
• Drinking excess alcohol
• Environmental toxins, such as certain poisonous mushrooms and a type of poison that can grow on peanut plants (aflatoxins)
• Excessive sunlight exposure
• Genetic problems
• Obesity
• Radiation
• Viruses

However, the cause of many cancers remains unknown." - Cancer: Causes, Incidence, & Risk Factors

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Thinking today about the fragility of the human body and just how many things can go wrong with it. The body is an amazing miracle of design and ingenuity, one of the greatest marvels for sure.

It's true that one of things we most take for granted is our health. We don't appreciate how vital and essential it is until something goes wrong. I remember one time I was all alone in the house and woke up with a terrible pain in my chest. It was debilitating and terrifying. I could barely breathe; I couldn't sit up. It went away after a couple minutes. I never told a soul about it. Funny what we forget when not reminded. Our bodies give us warnings which we ignore until the body no longer will let us.

A cellular abnormality grows into a massive tumor; blood can rush through the veins too quickly or not quick enough. Our bodies can betray us and we can betray our bodies. Fragile. So fragile is every breath of life. ox