"For this is God's will, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality, so that each of you knows how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not with lustful desires, like the Gentiles who don't know God. This means one must not transgress against and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger of all these offenses, as we also previously told and warned you. For God has not called us to impurity, but to sanctification. Therefore, the person who rejects this does not reject man, but God, who also gives you His Holy Spirit." (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8)
The above are verses with particular importance to me now, especially at this time of day when it's dark out. For some reason I really do think that darkness makes it more difficult, waiting for dawns light can feel like the longest wait sometimes. All day I have been on the verge of pouting and on the abyss of a depression. Faced with the dilemma of not getting what a part of me wants very very very badly has forced painful introspection and a big bowl of Oreo ice cream.
Patience. God dammit! Sorry to swear but S***! It always comes back to patience, recognizing its needed and then having to use it and be it. Ugh! Crap. It's really annoying. Petulant Pout.
Something significant happened today as I was watching NCIS after finishing up some homework. I realized or resolved, that I'm far too selfish to ever share. I may be almost 29 years old but this is one time when sharing just isn't caring. I don't want the pleasure of physical intimacy I share with another to be something that is shared with anyone else. I'm just too selfish. I can't do it. Every gasp of pleasure, every groan and grunt from their lips: will be mine and only mine. Vice versa. Anything less would make me unhappy, unsatisfied, miserable.
Apologize if that's all too graphic or not graphic enough but it needed to be said. What I am realizing here is a Godly "selfishness" (in a way) and a staving off what could have easily become a deep depression and an undoing of recent spiritual reawakening. There is something that happens when a matter is resolved even after difficulty: Peace. I feel peace. That doesn't mean I'm a female version of a eunuch; I still feel feelings but I'm feeling surer about what action or rather inaction I need to take. It's like I have remembered the reason for my actions of the last decade after having forgot them - funny that the one who churned up all these sexual lustful intimate real feelings also helped me remember godliness, purity, and sanctification. Life is really really weird.
Truthfully, when it comes to guarding hearts from perversion and ruin, the only selfish thing is acting on wrong momentary impulses. Not only will you hurt your own heart but others as well. Is there anything more disgusting/tragic/destructive in this world, than knowing that love was proclaimed as the motive for something when it was really anything but?
PS: I really don't apologize for this post. If your a Christain and offended: get over it. It's the Church not talking about sexuality that gives it too much power and free reign over so many lives. The myth that women aren't struggling just as much as men with sexuality and relationships in this world, is bull. Let's lay it out there and deal with it honestly. Being real is what made Jesus famous and unique. His followers should be like Him, the question is: Why aren't we?
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