risks calculation/pains scale

-People get hurt, they shut down.
-Till the pain goes away?
-I don't know. Maybe you just learn to take it in like everything else.
-the movie Message In a Bottle

"Take the thousand and give it to the one who risked the most. And get rid of this "play-it-safe" who won't go out on a limb. Throw him out into utter darkness."
-Matthew 25:28 (The Message)

 

Physical, emotional, relational - there are different kinds of pain. Sometimes our pain comes from a single wound and sometimes it can just hurt all over. Sometimes our pain is obvious and clearly visible and other times it's hidden so well that even a close observer wouldn't know just how much we're suffering. Sometimes pain is inflicted upon us by others purposefully or by their unintentional negligence. We can at times compound our pain, adding to it blame and self loathing that we should have known better, we should've done things differently, not allowed ourselves to be so vulnerable. Upon our beating we beat ourselves; the initial blow can't match the punishment we self inflict. 

 

Pain is real. It's not all bad. Hurt instead of being a curse, can be a clue. Without pain telling you that you've cut your finger or that you've touched something that's too hot - the damaged caused could be more severe, even life-threatening. Pain in many ways is a gift. It indicates that something needs attention. If we shutdown to avoid feeling pains hurtful sting, we also miss feeling loves hopeful light. 

 

Our pain speaks. What is yours saying to you?

blue to take away the blues

I like spontaneity, it doesn't always work out for me when I attempt it but I do like it. I also like structure and events that are planned. Putting thought into something, the implication of intention that shows in plans well made, means a lot to me. I don't need or want every second to be mapped out; I have experienced the pleasure surprise at times can bring. I guess I'm pretty normal really.

I say all that because one should be cautious with saying let do this or lets do that. Words frivolously uttered and not followed through become a promise broken. Doesn't matter how small or large the event, saying something will be done that wont, is a lie. Everyone hates lies but this one really gets to me. I have experienced the betrayal of other peoples words and promises. I take great caution to not perpetuate that experience onto others; I try to always mean what I say and say what I mean.

I understand one can get caught up in a moment and find themselves unintentionally making promises without thinking. The only advice I can give all of us is to tame our tongues. If you want to do something with someone else and mention it to them - follow through with concrete plans. Don't leave someone open to question the trustworthiness of your words or motives. Everything always being the last minute can make someone feel used, like a backup plan kept for when nothing better comes along.

Yesterday for the first time I saw a pair of bluebirds while I was taking my walk. I don't know if they were blue jays or some kind of blue finches but they were amazing. Today I awoke to a cloudless blue sky and a feeling of blessing that still hasn't left me. May you feel not lucky or even merely happy but I hope you feel blessed today as well - I promise you, no matter what you think, you are. xo

wait, what?

my new boss: "Ask for what you want."
me: "Wait, what?"


I recently had a interesting interaction at work. We were talking about the summer hour schedule and how it will fit with my college course schedule. We had it worked out until my second boss interjected their two cents, which actually turned out to be a helpful thing. Sorry, that really is still shocking to me. How messed up is that I find a bosses input actually useful? Wow, that's telling.

My years in the private sector taught me two things: (1) Working for a husband and wife "team" sucks. (2) Expect nothing good from wanting things from management. My old boss was a svengali from the pit of hell, who lived to exert his imagined and maybe even real control over certain my aspects of my fate. "Yes you can do that." "No!! You idiot, you cannot do that exact same thing you have done for 5 years anymore. Are you mad?!" "You have to look out for yourself first." "The company comes first you peon." Yeah, he was bipolar. My point is, I have gone through really 10 years of mind games, manipulation, and bullshit - basically what we all call employment in America - and now I work for a public community college as a student worker in a nameless office. The pay aspires to horrendous but so did my other jobs pay.

What is different and miraculous about the job at the college is that basically it's a stress free job. No pretending I care that deeply about it because after all I am student and working towards another career down the line. None of that working for the man kind of thing. The problems that come around are few and frivolous.

I love (and by love I mean loathe) when people ask what you want only to tell you that's not possible. Why ask?! Seriously. My current boss asked me flat out, "What hours do you want to work?" I answered. They said, "Ok." That was it. She said to me, "If you want something, ask for it." Such a simple concept yet it blew my mind. Ask for what I want?? Can those words be used all together like that?? What I want? Wow.

I'm still processing why this concept is so awesome to me. Partly it's because being able to simply ask for what I want, means I don't have to do a dance for it anymore. I feel like I've had to dance around asking for what I want or need (work-wise, life-wise, family-wise) for so long that just being normal is an adjustment, one I am thrilled to be faced with. (The image of Marty Mcfly from Back to the Future III is in my mind right now, random.)

Something to consider. In our world where manipulation is common, subliminal messaging present, and advertising constant - don't forget the power of simply asking for what you want or need. Plainly. Clearly. Simply. I know, I know, wow. Now that I blew our minds, I'm going to go eat a cookie. xo

pigeonholed: breaking free

pigeonhole: to assign to an often restrictive category

 

 

Wouldn't it be great if the those closest to us were also the ones who were best for us? Wouldn't it be nice if the ones we lived with, if the families we were born into, if those we loved - were full of people who challenged us in a good way, gave us a push when we needed it, believed in us always even we didn't believe in ourselves? 

 

It's easy to be blind to the things that make us who we are. I have been thinking about my family a little over the last couple days. It occurred to me that sometimes they tie together what they call "love" with blind compliance, sort of "if you love me you will do what I ask" kind-a-thing. It's not right. It's not fair. It's not normal. It's not okay. I don't ever want to equate or confuse love with some sort of compliance litmus test. There are plenty of fine people who might not do what I want, how I want, when I want - it doesn't make them bad or any less loving.

 

Here's the thing, this mentality of complete compliance being love, is dangerous and foolish. I don't control the universe (pause to fake gasp) and I'm also not the center of it. Just because I'm right once in a while doesn't mean I'm always right. Just because I do something one way, doesn't mean everyone has to do it that way. There's often more than one way to get to the same place. I will not be a person that confuses love with selfishness.

 

I don't know where it all got so tangled. I don't know why love became a noun and not a verb. I don't know why we stop seeing those closest to us multifaceted. I don't know a lot. All I know is that sometimes breaking free from the pigeonholes people keep us in, may mean we may have to sacrifice a few of our own feathers. To soar we have to leave the ground and those on it behind; may that not deter us. xo
 

 

going it alone

I decided instead of running away from the idea of a life alone...I'd better sit down and take that fear to lunch. 

-"Waiting for someone?

-"No, it's just me. Thanks."

So, I sat there and had a glass of wine...alone. No books, no man, no friends, no armor...no faking.

-Carrie, Sex and the City

 

I just finished booking plans to do something that I want to do. I couldn't find anyone else that wanted to go and instead of telling myself I didn't really want to go anyway, I've bought a ticket and I'm going - alone.

 

The above quote is from an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie comes to grips with being single and alone in what can sometimes feel like a world of couples.

 

The ability to go somewhere alone isn't a new experience for me, it's just every time I go to an event that is usually seen as a couples/group thing, I have to sort of psych myself up for it.

 

a reminder to me and all of us:

You can do it. You aren't paralyzed. Look at all the places you've gone without the buffer of knowing anyone else. Remember all the times you had courage in the past and take heart; you're braver than you realize. 

noticing neon: when it hits you

Summer Break: Day 3 of 16

My summer break is really short. Summer classes start on May 28th and I got an email from the program director yesterday saying I should start reading the textbook assignments now. Depressing. I'll buy my textbooks tomorrow when I am campus for work (not that anyone cares about that).

I don't understand people. I know, that's the introvert's slogan, but really, I don't. (I acknowledge my lack of understanding is more of an umbrella life statement than anything to do with school specifically.)

Sigh. I refuse to go back into the cloud of despair - I'm over it. There is light. I know it's there, I feel it. Not all the time but more than I did before. All that was me discouraged, depressed, doubtful, unhappy - I've let so much of it go. I remember things hopefully as they really happened, but more important is that I see things now as they really are.

What I love about the sunshine and warmer days is the chance to enjoy nature more fully. I've seen ducks create long ripples that stretch across the length of the pond, yellow fiches flying, robins hopping, tiny gofers freeze like a statue at every sound, heard the bright red cardinal sing - I love Spring. Today as I walked my 3 miles, it was the Baltimore oriole that I saw - a pair of them to be exact. Like a neon sign blinks to be noticed, their fluttering neon orange called for attention. It's something to think, that noticing neon wasn't our idea but God's; we mortals really do take credit for too many things.

I had a dream last night. It's not the first night that conflict and confusion in my life has been solved by a dream. As nonsensical as dreams often seem they have meaning. They've helped me in the past with my relationships and the one last night was no exception. This may be a rather bold leap, but in the problem that I'm having, I don't think I'm the problem. Just sayin'. Shrugging shoulders. I could be wrong, stranger things have happened, but I've looked at this situation for too long from every angle and I just don't get it. Or maybe an even bolder leap would be to say, after all my stress: there is no problem. I'm done using my overactive intuition to try and sense things not plainly stated. From now on, unless someone tells me there's problem, there's not.

Don't let neon have to hit you to notice it. The bright colors of God's creation show us it is possible for life to be about fun, otherwise, wouldn't everything be gray? xo

my tangled neurons

Are the images, words, and impulses that scatter through the mind like petals off a flowering tree, connected somehow together, or is it all just the random firing of neurons not known?

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” -Albert Einstein

 

 

"God, your Redeemer, who shaped your life in your mother's womb, says: "I am God. I made all that is..." Isaiah 44:24 (The Message) How long have we existed? Is the mind of God not infinite, does it not hold all things in time and out of it? Maybe we really are infinite...