snow in my coat pocket

The holidays seem a time for falling together and coming apart. With the feelings of nostalgia that Christmastime brings in its smells, songs, and snowy disposition - we look forward to reconnecting with family and friends with whom it feels we haven’t really seen since a year ago. I said the holidays are a time for falling together and coming apart because it seems we connect just long enough to say, “Goodbye! See you next year.” The days we have so long looked forward to pass over us like a dream, and we awaken disoriented and disappointed. Maybe I am channeling the forlorn spirit of Charlie Brown, but I find it difficult to pinpoint the meaning and purpose of this time of year. Whether it’s Justin Bieber belting out “Santa Clause is Coming to Town” while twerking or network TV editing It’s a Wonderful Life so it includes commercials about erectile dysfunction and vaginal itch, the“reason for the season” is hidden away.

I go through the motions. I climb great heights to suspend bright lights that illuminate the outdoors. I painstakingly place the plastic ornaments on the plastic Christmas tree in such a way that they appear perfectly displayed and evenly spaced. I make cookies, breads, rum balls, and cheese dips all to delight the taste buds of people near and far. I wear sparkly, glittering, gaudy paraphernalia, covering myself from head to toe till I twinkle like an odd, generic she-elf. I struggle and agonize over finding the perfect gifts that looks like I found them somehow effortlessly yet thoughtfully. And through it all, the reason for all this becomes more hidden from me.

“Can anyone tell me what Christmas is all about?!?” Charlie Brown exclaims during the classic TV special. Oh how we all need a friend like Linus to keep us grounded when we get carried away or left behind, however one wants to see it.

I love when great meaning and purpose is hidden in the simple and unplanned; it’s the magic of the ordinary becoming extraordinary that thrills me, reminds me, and revives me. Clearing a week’s worth of snow off the car and discovering an hour later that some has found its way into my coat pocket and is still unmelted - cold, white, and real. Driving 60 miles down a scenic highway only to look up and see an eagle turn its head at just the right moment as if to let me know just what it was. Feeling hope in the middle of winter as it gives a taste of spring in a single day of warmth, where mittens aren’t needed.

This isn’t a stretch; I don’t feel I am making more of things than I should. I feel at one with all that is greater than myself and privileged to recognize these “simple” things as the gifts they are. Better than anything that can be bought in a store or sold on a site are wonders not made by man but ordained by Something from above. Somehow snow unmelted can melt an icy heart.  xo

sleigh bells, snowflakes, & closing year end

It's been so long since I've written anything from the heart. I don't know if it's because my heart doesn't know what to say, like it's in some sort of shock, or if it's because my heart has nothing to say, perhaps taken one to many blows and no longer beats - neither of those is in any way a comfort.

 

Life is so strange. Things happen. There is gain and there is loss. It's the way of things. Steady, and true, and terrible. Somehow loss is easier to see. We are lost to some we hoped to never lose. As the years end approaches and the time to reconcile ledgers descends upon us we take stock.

 

It's been a year of lessons. School lessons. Zumba lessons. Love lessons. Another year of coming to seeing some of who we are, learning what we want, and the piercing line of how far we can and can't go.

 

Who would be if we were allowed? If fear didn't stop us and the past anchored us without weighing us down, who could we be? Would we be different and would that difference be better? Is there any room in this world we live in for contemplation, reflection? We touch screens not one another, missing the soft warmth of human contact for the inanimate glow of a smartphone.

 

I've been thinking about the line from Into the Wild, "Happiness is only real when it's shared." We don't get a say in everything that happens to us in year, a week, hell in an hour, but we do get to decide what that experience does to us. My prayer at the close and open is may we know ourselves and let a few others really know us too. ox

  

solo yolo ugh

bait and switch: (noun) the ploy of offering a person something desirable to gain favor (as political support) then thwarting expectations with something less desirable

leverage: (noun) influence or power used to achieve a desired result

tempt: (verb) to entice to do wrong by promise of pleasure or gain


I just started doing The Message Solo Devotional. I am not going to necessarily focus on getting through one every day. If I feel like I need to linger on one devotional for a few days, even a week, I will. I don't want to be legalistic about this, I want to be genuine. I need to cultivate some authentic change and growth in my life, and I can't do that by following some A-B-C formula.

The first day begins with Genesis Chapter 3, the entry title "Desire for Reconciliation." I have been hung up on this entry since Monday night. For the THINK portion of the entry, it asks the question "How does this passage speak to your situation?" I couldn't answer and that really bothered me.

There are all the patent things one could say about Genesis 3. It's about disobedience, idolatry, deception, vanity, disbelief - all of which his true. But I became more interested in why the woman choose as she did. What was she thinking? What should she have done differently? Why was she so seemingly easily swayed? What lived inside her heart and mind that made the ground fertile for deception to flower? Did she resent being created second? Was all this mere suggestion on the serpents part that led her to down this road or was he merely picking up on something that was already present within her? Could the man who was with her have said something (done anything!) to guide or reassure her? Why didn't he?

I think the serpent choose to approach the woman on purpose. She's second and he goes to her first. The text doesn't say if the woman and man discussed the matter, debated the issue, listed out the pros and cons - I have a feeling they didn't. I think it was very much done in the moment, without much thinking or discussion.

The question of "How does this passage speak to your situation?" bugged me because I didn't want to see my connection to the serpent. The truth is, I've played the tempter - temptress. There are times when there is an under layer that seeks to manipulate even ever so slightly another person in the hopes of getting what I WANT or think I want.

I also didn't want to face what tempts me, more specifically what temptations I've given in to.

Instead of focusing only on the woman and man, the serpent deserves a little attention. The serpent isn't in this because he cares about the couple, nay, he hates them, he wants to see them fall. He wants the relationship between them and God to crash and burn. Not only will giving into this temptation hurt the couple, it will hurt God who made them. Their failure is God's failure for he believes God can't remedy that big an error.

"When I am tempted there is always more at stake then I realize. Temptation seeks to get us off our path and purpose. When we're tempted we think only of the thing in play - should I have this donut or look at that provocative picture - we are thinking only of the now, but there is always more at stake. There's more at stake than just that one thing.

Temptation seeks to have us meet a legitimate need, in an illegitimate way. Food, sex, respect... a voice inside says "You need it!" Maturity however is the ability to delay gratification (aka the ability to wait). Baby's can't wait; grownups can. The root of all temptation is worshiping something other than God."

dealing with NO

James 5:12 "...let your “Yes” be “Yes,” and your “No,” “No,” lest you fall into judgment (hypocrisy)."

 

Hypocrisy: the practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one's own behavior does not conform

 

 



No is a painful thing to hear and even more to accept. "No, I didn't like the food you made." "No, I don't think that outfit is flattering." "No, I don't want to be with you."

 

No. It's a brutal word with enormous impact.

 

Yet no is sometimes the answer to life's opportunities, chances, and desires.

 

I hate no. I didn't get where I am now by accepting "no" as an answer. I had to overcome no, the no in my mind that said I would never make it, the no that said I would never amount to anything. I have do that sometimes daily, defeat the no that says the test is too hard or the skill too complex. This aversion I have to no in some areas of my life, blinds me to the goodness of no in other areas. I just don't handle no well. No sometimes seems to me like giving up, accepting defeat somehow. 

 

REALITY CHECK: We can't change the  no of other people; accepting the no of others frees us to accepting the good yes of other and better things.

 

When we struggle with a decision that involves and impacts someone else, it's not fair to tarry and volley with choosing. I wonder how often the questions we struggle with in life are us choosing to see gray when there is really only black and white...

 

I am dealing with indecision and apathy. When someone says they are leaving a decision up to you and paints you a picture that is too many conflicting things all at the same time, it's very hard to know what to do, what to feel, how to go on. Figuratively, it's a precipice of torture. 

 

I feel like my whole life is on hold because other people won't let their no be no and yes be yes. And I am also really mad at myself. I feel like a more confident, secure person wouldn't wait for someone else to make up their mind. (All of which could just me be, being too hard on myself, which happens.) Maybe this too is part of growing up, seeing that life isn't simple, easy, uncomplicated. Relationships, being involved with other people, makes life messy. Maybe I just need to learn to deal with the mess...

 

We need to make a decision here. Are we invested? Do we want the same things? I need to know: are you in or out? Before I was afraid to ask the question because if the answer was no, I felt it would be too crushing, but now I just need to know one way or the other. And you're right it's not a simple easy thing, there is pressure involved. I'm sorry about that but I can't change it, not without compromising the whole meaning and significance behind it all. Some compromises aren't all right. I would point out gently the pressures behind the idea of "us" isn't all one sided. I come with my set of dilemmas absolutely but so do you. There are high stakes and a lot of unknowns for both of us. It's a risk. I get that. A lot to figure out. A lot to get to know better. A lot to have to deal with. It's a lot all the way around. But no relationship is totally simple, completely easy, pleasingly perfect, and always non challenging. So again I say, are you in or out? And if you're not sure, be courageous and say no. This no to us doesn't have to be forever. Maybe we have individual issues we need to workout alone before we can be together. Or maybe no will mean no for always. (A depressing thought I'm not going to lie.)

 

I just need to know if it's no... ya know? xo

crown of golden leaves

Sentimental: resulting from feelings or emotions rather than reason or thought; appealing to the emotions in an excessive way; having or expressing strong feelings of love, sadness, etc., in a way that may seem foolish or excessive.

I always thought of myself as a logical person, analytical, wise. "Don't play hooky from school with the boy you have a crush on because the trajectory of that path really isn't promising." "Don't go to where there's excess, where one needs alcohol and illicit substances either to drown their feelings or the courage to really express them." "Don't allow your imagination (your naivety, your good nature, your desires) to deceive you into missing the reality in front of you." Being intellectual provided me distance from emotions and feelings. Life taught me to look for truth and to value it more than any lie; ultimately a painful accurate perception is better than a "happy" deluded one. In other words, I always thought I lived a life not ruled by sentiment.

She will, she won't. She does, she don't. It doesn't matter; your happiness is not up to me. I accept that now. Our paths no longer intersect though they sometimes run near; on the line of time we were parallel but for the briefest of moments. I wish it had lasted longer than it did, I wish it had been more than the much it was for me. It's not greed, when you find a good thing, wanting more is to be expected.

In my reading for school there was a section in the text regarding family influences on child development. It touched on sibling relationships, youngest-middle-older children, and only children. What it said about only children made a lot of sense to me and one thing stood out in particular, "Only children...often enjoy a rich fantasy life as a result of isolation." I identify with that. I think I can be so analytical because I'm also so imaginative.

The things that pop into my head are so random but so detailed, they almost seem more real than real to me.

The light of Autumn is different than the light of Spring and Summer. It rains a symphony of color as light hits the leaves cascading softly upon the earth. Harvest dots the landscape and so the mentality of all who dwell here in our corner of the Midwest. We take stock of gains and losses as we prepare for the long winter. I am struck by the beauty of Fall, it won't go unnoticed. Geese form their V of timely depart. The earth rewards the farmers its bounty. The scent of burning leaves and bonfires marks the air, apple cider and pumpkin pie linger nostalgically on the tongue, layers of sweaters and scarves defend against the ever increasing chill. It is here, I live. Here where I adorn your head (short hair or long as if it mattered to me) with a crown of golden leaves. You that are the most alive and lasting of all things to me, such a contrast to the end Autumn brings. On a worn quilt under the shelter of a great tree, beams of sunlight illuminating every leaf, finally peace comes to these bodies in need of rest...

These are just thoughts, mere pondering, images existing only in the mind, no great effort on my part to conjure them but if they show anything its an extremely sentimental heart.

The definition says to be sentimental can mean having strong feelings of love that may seem foolish. It's the word seem that throws me. Are these feelings of love foolish or not? My analytical mind wants a final answer but my imaginative mind could care less.

inextinguishable

If hope was compared to a lit candle, I would say, "The light of mine still flickers."

Psalm 68 - The Glory of God in His Goodness to His People

⁵ A father of the fatherless, a defender of widows,
Is God in His holy habitation.
⁶ God sets the solitary in families;
He brings out those who are bound into prosperity;
But the rebellious dwell in a dry land.

the picture

I sometimes worry that my life is one breathe away from disaster. A fine and delicate balance is required just to keep many big important systems on the status quo; some days the stress it takes shows on my face, my dark eyes tell the whole tragic story. All-in-all I think I hide it pretty well. I'm a champion at keeping my mouth shut, I always have been. Nothing to brag about, nothing to be proud of - just the reality of the situation.

What is the connection between trust and truth? When you can't depend on the one's closest to you, how do you go on? When you learn that truth is to be unspoken and trust meaninglessly given, what do you do?

I can't bring a great family to the table of my relationships - do you know what I mean? Some people have great families that love them, full of trust and truth - but, at the core this is not mine. It just isn't. This is a negative when it comes to dating because eventually the talk of families comes into play and mine is such a source of disappointment and shame for me. I feel disloyal as I type these words out. How dare I be so... ... real...

There is something about sharing the truth that there is no trust between me and my closest family, that hurts almost more then the fact itself. When I say it out loud to another, I can't bear to see pity reflecting back at me. I desperately want to be real about the chasm that exists between me and family, but I also hate the risk that honesty requires.

I minimize the depths of my hurt, my unfortune, with cliches like "Others have it worse, be thankful" or "Everything happens for a reason," but the truth is I'm heartbroken. I think there are parts of my heart that are missing and will never be mended. Who would ever want to become part of my life with this huge mess - a mess I don't believe will be fixed here on this side of life? I don't want someone who thinks they can fix it (it's not up to anyone to do that!) but I want someone who can look at it in all its gore and love me all the more. I don't know if that even makes sense.

I should be joyous. Where I am at in my life, this place of actually working towards a legitimate personal/lifelong goal - I should be happy. Why can't I feel happy about my accomplishments and path trajectory? I realized recently it's because I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop in my life. The family shoe I don't know that is out there waiting to squash me like an insect. I never know what these family members are up to. What they've gotten themselves into and are letting rot till the stench overwhelms and suffocates me.

I have a picture in my mind. I don't know if its idyllic and impossible or noble and true. It a picture of a family - all the pieces present - mom, dad, child - it sits on a mantel in a house filled with love and trust, safety and respect. Everyone smiles in the picture without worry because they have what no amount of money can buy or secure. The picture on the mantel is just one of many that show pure peace. Manipulating and maneuvering, puzzling and guessing are not a factor. These are unheard of to the imagined people in the picture. For them the needs of us and we outweigh the needs of I or me. It's the picture you know. God make it be.