dissipating winds

"The wind blows where it pleases, and you hear its sound, but you don't know where it comes from or where it is going..." (John 3:8)

A night of uninterrupted sleep (and a silence that speaks louder than words) has given me a whole new outlook. It's funny how we can drift off with one desire or even worry pressing strongly upon us, only to awaken with it completely dead, gone on the wings of Lunesta. jk

Passion that burns with intense veracity never seems to last long. When in the middle of the burning flames it can seem like the only real true thing, but its often time that tells the truth.

People can't be force fit into any role we ourselves may desire for them. There are doorways afforded all of us, but we have to walk through them alone of our own volition. The only thing to do is wait, wait and see. Our society tells us waiting is wrong, beneath us, but what if Eve had just waited? What was in store for her? There are countless stories of calamaity befalling so many because waiting was found wanting. Waiting can leave us with a feeling like we aren't doing something, but waiting is sometimes the hardest thing to do.

If I could impart one thing to you, don't ever forget how much you're worth and don't EVER settle for less than 110% of what you deserve. "Finishing is better than starting. Patience is better than pride." (Ecclesiastes 7:8) xo

my 100th post

 

For my 100th post I just thought I would share a few thoughts that have been buzzing in my head. These have been sitting in a draft post for weeks, time to set them free.

"There will always be reasons to avoid risk; there are costs for failure." But all things worth having, require risk. I've heard it said that love is a risk, but one you have to take it. I hope that when bravery is required I have it - not just to step out but when necessary, to step back. Does love march forth blindly or does it know what it means to wait?

"What can be done to build trust between people?" Is a question worth pondering because any relationship worth having, any interaction that's valuable, needs trust. It's our actions that speak to our character. Trust among people needs to exist in their seen presence and in their absence - that is what makes a bond unbreakable.

"Sometimes the greatest miracle is recognizing the world can change." In ways unimagined, I hope for you, dear reader, that the miracle of it all - existence, possibility, hope, love - gives you joy like a child's. May your heart be light and your countenance unburdened. xo

how shadow works

[ A Full Life in the Emptiest of Places ] "If you get rid of unfair practices, quit blaming victims, quit gossiping about other people's sins, If you are generous with the hungry and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out, Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness, your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight. I will always show you where to go. I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places— firm muscles, strong bones. You'll be like a well-watered garden, a gurgling spring that never runs dry. You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundations from out of your past. You'll be known as those who can fix anything, restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate, make the community livable again. (Isaiah 58:9-12, The Message)

 

"A shadow is an area where direct light from a light source cannot reach due to obstruction by an object." I have lived in shadow often. I hate it there and yet its familiar so I stay; it's what I know more than anything else. I have seen God as the obstacle I need to get around, get through, get over - to get what I want. With that mentality, God becomes the obstruction casting me into shadow because it's my wants and not Him that have become my light.

 

Sometimes God has to put me into shadow and leave me there for awhile not because He wants to but because I really don't give Him a choice. He would be doing me no favors leaving my prideful selfishness intact. Can an unopened closed vessel be poured into?

 

God loves despite failings. God is faithful despite unfaithfulness. God wants not verbalized written affirmation but moment by moment action showing trust.

 

I get all kinds of broken. When a plan doesn't come together in my timeline, in my way, I get crushed by disappointment. When I don't get what I want, the way I think I should, I get exhausted by discouragement. These kinds of broken aren't spiritual. They are simply the product of a belief system that isn't looking to God as Father, Friend, Light - but as obstacle.

 

God doesn't move but my position in viewing Him changes everything. God doesn't want to be my obstruction, my consolation, or my enemy. God doesn't want me to view Him as a means-to-an-end but as the end which is the only real beginning. The message I heard this Sunday taught about not leaving your old way of life as an option to go back to. It's easier said than done. Change is really hard and impossible without His help. The solution is so simple it's hard: Look to Him who's Light so shadow can disappear.

 

[ From the Shadows to the Substance ] My counsel for you is simple and straightforward: Just go ahead with what you've been given. You received Christ Jesus, the Master; now live him. You're deeply rooted in him. You're well constructed upon him. You know your way around the faith. Now do what you've been taught. School's out; quit studying the subject and start living it! And let your living spill over into thanksgiving. (Colossians 2:6-7, The Message)



resolution lament

Ben: It's a laminate.
Janine: That's not real hardwood floor?
Ben: Nope. It looks exactly like it. But it is like one one-hundredth of the cost.
Janine: Oh. I still wanna go with the real wood.
Ben: What? You can't even tell the difference.
Janine: It's not the point.

Ben: Well, what is the point?

Janine: I just...I don't like the way it's pretending to be wood. If you're not wood, don't try and look like wood.
Ben: I don't think that it's pretending.

Janine: This is a lie, Ben. Just be up front and tell people what you really are.
 - from the movie He's Just Not That Into You

I loath uncertainty. What so many people find exciting about doing new things is not knowing what's going to happen, but often new things fill me with anxiety and creates a tight knot in the pit of my stomach.

I wish I didn't care. It would be so much easier if I just didn't care. I can see why so many medicate legally and otherwise.

I'm sitting here watching the most beautiful snowfall ever. I have so many wonderful things in my life. I'm a lucky person, truly. And yet...

I've had a chance to think - which is never good - really, what good does thinking ever do anybody? My thinking has led me to a painful crossroads. Knowing that someone is capable of something wonderful but just not capable of that with you - leaves a whole new kind of silence.  Like the snowstorm outside, the realization is cold, blurring, numbing.

Every anxiety is rushing back. The words "There's just always something better than me out there" keep playing on a loop in my mind. Those I like are always looking for something else, some intrinsic quality that I apparently grievously lack. I feel all my efforts come to nothing in the end.

In developmental psychology they have what are known as Erikson's Stages of Psychosocial Development. Conflict number six is defined as: Intimacy versus Isolation. The major question needing resolution is: Will I be loved or will I be alone?

Call it an only child complex, call it an introverts summation, call it what you will, but I worry. I worry because I feel I'm running from the answer I've always known: I was made to be alone. The faster I run the heavier my limbs feel. There is nothing but emptiness all around. And in it all, I'm afraid if I stop running from what I know is inevitable, I'll never move again.

It's Palm Sunday. I wonder about Your journey into Your doom, into Your purpose, into Your Kingdom. You were traveling into Jerusalem - the city of The King, the City of God, the home of Your people. You, who change everything; You, who nothing is impossible for; You, who not even death can defeat - "resolutely set out toward Jerusalem" (Luke 9:51). I request only this from you: don't leave me here alone, in this dark cold world. I have no palm but my hand, small, finite, and weak. Whether I lack or gain anothers to hold, please, secure my palm in Yours forever. Strengthen my resolve that in Your arms is goodness, life, and hope.

"After this I saw a vast crowd, too great to count, from every nation and tribe and people and language, standing in front of the throne and before the Lamb. They were clothed in white robes and held palm branches in their hands. And they were shouting with a mighty shout, “Salvation comes from our God who sits on the throne and from the Lamb!” (Revelation 7:9-10)

selfishness staving off deep depression?

"For this is God's will, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality, so that each of you knows how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not with lustful desires, like the Gentiles who don't know God. This means one must not transgress against and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger of all these offenses, as we also previously told and warned you. For God has not called us to impurity, but to sanctification. Therefore, the person who rejects this does not reject man, but God, who also gives you His Holy Spirit." (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8)

The above are verses with particular importance to me now, especially at this time of day when it's dark out. For some reason I really do think that darkness makes it more difficult, waiting for dawns light can feel like the longest wait sometimes. All day I have been on the verge of pouting and on the abyss of a depression. Faced with the dilemma of not getting what a part of me wants very very very badly has forced painful introspection and a big bowl of Oreo ice cream.

Patience. God dammit! Sorry to swear but S***! It always comes back to patience, recognizing its needed and then having to use it and be it. Ugh! Crap. It's really annoying. Petulant Pout.

Something significant happened today as I was watching NCIS after finishing up some homework. I realized or resolved, that I'm far too selfish to ever share. I may be almost 29 years old but this is one time when sharing just isn't caring. I don't want the pleasure of physical intimacy I share with another to be something that is shared with anyone else. I'm just too selfish. I can't do it. Every gasp of pleasure, every groan and grunt from their lips: will be mine and only mine. Vice versa. Anything less would make me unhappy, unsatisfied, miserable.

Apologize if that's all too graphic or not graphic enough but it needed to be said. What I am realizing here is a Godly "selfishness" (in a way) and a staving off what could have easily become a deep depression and an undoing of recent spiritual reawakening. There is something that happens when a matter is resolved even after difficulty: Peace. I feel peace. That doesn't mean I'm a female version of a eunuch; I still feel feelings but I'm feeling surer about what action or rather inaction I need to take. It's like I have remembered the reason for my actions of the last decade after having forgot them - funny that the one who churned up all these sexual lustful intimate real feelings also helped me remember godliness, purity, and sanctification. Life is really really weird.

Truthfully, when it comes to guarding hearts from perversion and ruin, the only selfish thing is acting on wrong momentary impulses. Not only will you hurt your own heart but others as well. Is there anything more disgusting/tragic/destructive in this world, than knowing that love was proclaimed as the motive for something when it was really anything but?

PS: I really don't apologize for this post. If your a Christain and offended: get over it. It's the Church not talking about sexuality that gives it too much power and free reign over so many lives. The myth that women aren't struggling just as much as men with sexuality and relationships in this world, is bull. Let's lay it out there and deal with it honestly. Being real is what made Jesus famous and unique. His followers should be like Him, the question is: Why aren't we?

unfolding your words

 The unfolding of your words gives light... (Psalm 119:130 ESV)

The idea of words as something that can be unpacked, unwound - is very interesting to me. First thing that came to mind with the word "unfolding" was fabric. Admitting that I enjoy domestic type tasks makes me the worst feminist ever probably, but I have daydreamed with pleasure about doing the laundry of my future. Yup, you read right, I daydream about my future laundry. I dream of my laundry being all mixed together with my significant others - the suds and bubbles, the feel of their warmth from the dryer, of me folding theoretical t-shirts with the greatest of pride. I'm not kidding. I really do dream that intricately. With the right perspective, the most banal of tasks becomes the most significant and treasured.

 

I lost my train of thought. Where was I going with this?

Ah yes..."The unfolding of your words gives light." Words do unfold. Words can be revealing, they can unravel us and others. Words can help to bind people together and also be what tears them tragically apart. Words can be like weights, the hurtful things said to us can remain long after the physical echo of their uttering has died. Words can be like lifelines, "a light for us in dark places when all other lights go out."

I have hopes. Here's one: Like so manys have been to me, I hope my words are a light to those who read them. xo

"woman with a broken heart"

Clickable link: Hannah's Vow

"I prayed for this boy, and since the LORD gave me what I asked Him for, I now give the boy to the LORD. For as long as he lives, he is given to the LORD."

___________________________________________________

I am going to make, what is for me, a rather bold declaration: God is giving. May seem like a dumb obvious anticlimactic realization but it's extremely significant to me.

If I had something near an eternal want, a personal desire before the LORD, it would be to know beyond what I can know, that I have loved another and been loved by them in return. I don't trust my knowledge and I know my memory forsakes me. This love I desire would not be the worlds soiled definition but the sharp bright love of healing light from The Source of life.

We're often blinded to the reality that what we've asked for, prayed for, desired, sought out, and wept over - WE'VE RECEIVED. We ask God for things because we know that only He can really give them to us. What our hands alone can make doesn't long satisfy and never truly fills. All things are His. He gave Sarah and Abraham, Isaac. He gave Hannah, Samuel. To all who receive Him, He gives the right to be children of God (John 1:12). God gives, He's always giving.

And because what we receive is given to us from God, it's important to remember that it doesn't then become ours: it's still ever Gods. The desire to own, to possess for ourselves, runs deeper than we know. Belonging is knitted into our DNA.

I have wept, sobbed to the point of incoherency, in the darkness of nights past. I have bitterly wept and cried out "How much longer will You ignore me?! How much longer will You make me wait for my life to begin?!" Like gazing through a ethereal veil, is the truth that God answers prayer in ways too often unseen by us. I asked God to give me a man to love and He has. He's given me a man that I can't predict, can't tame, can't clasp, might extremely likely be unable to have - God's given me what I asked for in a sense, and in His wisdom forces me to give it back into His more capable, wise, strong hands.

I write this with the beginnings of tears because it's not easy. As Job, I again am brought down kneeling to the ground in helpless awe, crying out, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will leave this life. The LORD gives, and the LORD takes away. BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD." Job 1:21

intoxication

"There is always a need for intoxication: China has opium, Islam has hashish, the West has woman." -Andre Malraux, French novelist

 

"My peers, lately, have found companionship through means of intoxication-it makes them sociable. I, however, cannot force myself to use drugs to cheat on my loneliness-it is all that I have-and when the drugs and alcohol dissipate, will be all my peers have as well." -Franz Kafka

 

"The vine bears three kinds of grapes: the first of pleasure, the second of intoxication, the third of disgust." -Diogenes, Greek philosopher

 

 

I know my tolerance for alcohol is low. I've been made slightly tipsy from one beer; I know my alcohol limits and I don't cross-the-line.

I have never been drunk on spirits but I wouldn't say that means I have never experienced intoxication. There are things that can intoxicate a person that have nothing to do with fermentation and distilleries.

The word intoxicate originates from the Latin toxicum meaning poison. (Found that interesting though it makes sense.) Intoxicate is defined by Websters as: (a) to excite or stupefy by alcohol or a drug especially to the point where physical and mental control is markedly diminished (b) to excite or elate to the point of enthusiasm or frenzy.

Articulating wants is hard for me, maybe because to want something is to admit that it matters, but I am allowing myself one here now: I want to be the cause, the source, of another's intoxication - no alcohol required. If there is any such thing as "safe intoxication" - an intoxication of pure wellness - bottoms up.

give me

Before God we are all babies. Don't we all cry out "Give me!" like a child does, believing that everything should be and is ours by right and on demand?

"Give me what I want, the way I want it, right now!" It's a testament to God's goodness that we aren't blown into a zillion pieces because of our innate selfishness. Word.

All I can think in this moment is how badly I want what I want and not necessarily for all the right reasons. Nay, depending on the hour, the reasons for my wanting are less than pure to say the least.

God, give me not what I want but what you know I need. Help me to trust that You in all things desire good for me.

the lure of fire

"Love is something that you feel and very seldom see, but when you feel and see both at the same time, it’s everlasting.”  - photographer Anthony Barboza

 

When it comes to love, words are difficult. What is love really? Why do we love people? It seems like such an absurd thing to do, it's often not even a choice. Is love smart? Is it intellectual at all? A path we have transversed a thousand times before can become forever changed in an instant because of another, because of love. I believe that. I've experienced it.

 

Why do we know some people for years and never love them in the same way we love another we've known only hours, even minutes? Some people you met them and you just love them forever. Can't be changed. Can't be explained. Logic is irrelevant and time immaterial when it comes to love.

 

Everything he said in his drunken rambling type monologue was true; mostly everything of what I can remember was correct and I had no Guinness. (I get dazzled when I'm with him and zone out. I really need to work on not doing that. I mean how old am I? God. Get it together woman.) 

 

He's right. I know he's right. He made sense in his nonsensical stupor. Like a Sybil that goes into a trance to transmit truth, here intoxication was truths vector. Odd that he who would and could corrupt me so easily so readily, instead offers wise sound council. And he doesn't think there's any goodness in himself. Contradictions confound. 

 

It's not a game. I know that. I want you to know that I know, it's not a game. Behind all my teasing and joking I know the stakes are higher than ever. Innocence is serious. Intimacy sacred. At least I think so and don't want to give up those beliefs. I do understand that some things once done, can never be undone.

 

God shows himself through us and to us in ways unpredicted and uncounted; this time evidenced in a man who's wounds go deeper than I have yet to know, who in the dazzling darkness of night warned me to take heed over my body, soul, and mind.

 

Yet for all logic, all good council, all my noted wisdom from God...I fear akin to the generations of man before me, but like a moth to the flame am I...
 

virtual rule #11

Virtual Rule #11: Promptness

"Once you receive an invitation your first obligation is to send a prompt response...It's a basic courtesy, and will be truly appreciated by your hosts. Waiting until the last minute or until your host calls for your answer implies that you don't think much of the host or that you're waiting for a better invitation to come along." - Emily Post's Etiquette, 18th Edition

 

“I'm about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is (somebody) who didn't care enough to call.” Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not that Into You

I have been caught in the dreaded roulette of being too flexible, too available, and too nice. My social circle isn't huge and my time not infinite (work and nursing school to deal with) but introverted predispositions aside, I know that "social-ness" is important. I make the conscious effort to be social, to try to get out there, to make plans, all that jazz.

In the past, I have had a tendency to build my expectations too high. I don't know why I do that. Some of the best and funnest social moments I have had, have been impromptu events - no planning involved. I treasure those moments. I love when life offers good unplanned surprises; they really are the best most meaningful moments.

I feel that I have become a scheduler. I think college has played a part in that change. I just don't have time always available and I like to know what's going on and when because I also can be scatter-brained and forgetful.

Here is a scenario I know too well. Two people are texting about getting together for dinner, coffee, movie, whatever and it's just not happening. One person is available and the other is soooo busy. So the too-nice-one leaves it up to the other to make the arrangements, which of course they never do. God I hate that. I really hate being the planner all the time. I really hate making all the effort, keeping contact, all that stuff. Sometimes people who I haven't talked to in awhile, will make me feel guilty when we finally do communicate. It's so unfair. I may not have kept in touch but uhhh neither have you. Jesus. (Sorry emotional revealing rant there. Whoops.)

Please be prompt and don't lead people on about getting together when texting. Make the plans firm or don't make them at all. It's not right to show interest one day and not follow through. Be prompt. If you are taking on the responsibility of planning a get-together, than do it. If you say you want to do something with someone else, than do it. If you are always planning everything, and getting sick of it frankly, than stop. Don't make your life dependent on other people getting their shit together. If you want to do something, and can't find anyone to go with, consider this your loving reminder - it's OK to go alone. Really it is. It also might be time to try meeting some new people. (I know those words are like kryptonite to most introverts, but you know those few amazing people you know - well there are bound to be a couple more like them on the planet - right?)

Amos 3:3 "Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?" Hell no. So stop trying to hold hands with people who aren't going in the same direction as you. Sometimes despite all their protest textually - they really just aren't interested. REMEMBER: People always make time for what is important to them. Your patience doesn't have to extend over their rudeness. All we have control over is ourselves; be kind, be prompt.

body out of control

"Cancer grows out of normal cells in the body. Normal cells multiply when the body needs them, and die when the body doesn't need them. Cancer appears to occur when the growth of cells in the body is out of control and cells divide too quickly. It can also occur when cells forget how to die.
There are many different kinds of cancer. Cancer can develop in almost any organ or tissue, such as the lung, colon, breast, skin, bones, or nerve tissue.
There are many causes of cancer, including:

• Benzene and other chemicals
• Drinking excess alcohol
• Environmental toxins, such as certain poisonous mushrooms and a type of poison that can grow on peanut plants (aflatoxins)
• Excessive sunlight exposure
• Genetic problems
• Obesity
• Radiation
• Viruses

However, the cause of many cancers remains unknown." - Cancer: Causes, Incidence, & Risk Factors

____________________________________________________________________

Thinking today about the fragility of the human body and just how many things can go wrong with it. The body is an amazing miracle of design and ingenuity, one of the greatest marvels for sure.

It's true that one of things we most take for granted is our health. We don't appreciate how vital and essential it is until something goes wrong. I remember one time I was all alone in the house and woke up with a terrible pain in my chest. It was debilitating and terrifying. I could barely breathe; I couldn't sit up. It went away after a couple minutes. I never told a soul about it. Funny what we forget when not reminded. Our bodies give us warnings which we ignore until the body no longer will let us.

A cellular abnormality grows into a massive tumor; blood can rush through the veins too quickly or not quick enough. Our bodies can betray us and we can betray our bodies. Fragile. So fragile is every breath of life. ox

John Piper, I love you.

"...sexual sin is a symptom, not the disease. People give way to sexual sin because they don’t have the fullness of joy and gladness in Christ. Their spirits are not steadfast and firm and established. They waver. They are enticed, and they give way because God does not have the place in our feelings and thoughts that he should."- A Broken and Contrite Heart God Will Not Despise

I thank God for you John Piper.

write/right on me

I find it easier to write things than to say things. I think I sometimes hide behind printed words. My actual printing, the writing of my hand, is scribbled and nearly illegible. Sometimes when I write out a thought and go back to read it, it feels foreign and distant to me.

I imagine. I escape away inside to a place unreachable. It's not often light there.

One thing keeps me grounded when life becomes too real for me: thoughts of you.  (My eyes have well-up with tears and the world has just now become literally blurry, a manifestation of what is often only inside.)

I don't know you but I know you. I've never met you but I never leave you.

As I sit bedside to patients who have nothing - no one to visit them, no home to go to - the emptiness inside myself identifies. I worry. You're too good for me. This I know.

How do I earn you? How do I not harm you? How do I leave you better off because of me?

I don't need ink on skin to mark me as yours. I have been yours forever. You are written all the way through me. When I am buried and long in the ground and dissolve back into the earth, you'll still be written on me.

The hand of God wrote on me "right for you."

Through every cell, every sphere, and all dimensions are the words, "Mine."

Ours is love; I wait for you.

the math of wrong

 

I think of myself as a moderate liberal. I also believe in God the Father and his one and only son Jesus Christ. Some think those two beliefs contradict each other. I guess I have to live it out daily making it work to prove it's possible.

Abortion. It's a word that creates an impact. Some make abortion a political issue or a "feminist rights" issue. There is a part of me that can see a small measure of validity in that. I remember a news story about a woman getting treatment in a hospital which had a Catholic affiliation. She was married, had other children, and was pregnant. There were complications with the current pregnancy that put her life at risk. A panel was going to decide if an abortion would be allowed. A panel. That's just wrong to me. Should strangers be allowed to dictate that decision for her or for any woman in that situation?

There are those that want to frame the issue of abortion in black and white terms but does life always offer such stark clarity? Or at the end of all my excuses and philosophical questions regarding abortion does there lay the desire to extend myself the chance for leeway and opportunity for moral exemption? We all like to think we are above a certain situation until we ourselves get there.

I once thought this way about abortion: don't do the "crime" if you aren't willing to do the time. If you are willing to have sex than you have to be just as willing to accept the consequences of that action. There is still some truth in that thought.

I also once thought that abortion was acceptable because I thought the pains of life outweighed its miraculous beautiful significance. The thought in my head was, "Better not to live at all than to know great terrible pain and suffering." I had yet to know that great terrible pain and suffering is worth it. Our knowledge at any moment in time is so limited/short-sighted/and too often just wrong; it's terrifying how many decisions we make on the little we know.

We like to think we as a species are evolving, but I think all we really have done is gotten creative about hiding our selfishness with fancier words. We give a shimmering patina to our corruption and call it acceptable. We are famous for self-justification; when we do something that's wrong we say "It was the lesser of two evils." We forget too easily that our sole ability to discern good and evil is severely limited and we in our pride refuse to seek The Creators Way. Two wrongs don't make a right - a wrongful action is not a morally appropriate way to correct or cancel a previous wrongful action.

To those who make abortion the only political issue they care about I add a wrinkle. Even if the law is changed and abortion made illegal it won't stop it. A law doesn't have the power to change the heart, if it did, Jesus wouldn't have had to die. We don't need legislation: we need revelation.

random thoughts on hospitality

This isn't a virtual rule just a random thought. I wish the American culture had more cultural customs, specifically those regarding hospitality and community. I am a fan of the show Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations and one reason I enjoy watching is it gives a glimpse of what life is like in other cultures. I think we here lack a lot of really sincere basic customs that make a society stronger.

When I am invited into another's home I always try to bring something. It doesn't have to be big or fancy, usually it's small and simple, but I like bringing something. I don't know why I'm like that. I don't really come from a family of big entertainers. I really only remember one time my mom having people over when I was young and big holiday hooplas with distant family also were rare.

Maybe my bringing something to the places I go is my way of recognizing the efforts of the host even if they don't see it as effort. I really appreciate the gathering together of individuals; the many becoming one. I appreciate coming together in a specific space at a definite moment in time. It's significant, the time we spend together.

So whether its a $5 bottle of wine or loaf of marble rye (remember Seinfeld) I will continue to make gestures of a sincerely thankful heart. xo

willpower not needed

Have you ever texted someone when you knew deep inside that you shouldn't?

If I was a technology genius I would invent a way to put a lock on a cell phone contact so you can't text them. The lock would last at the very least 24-hours all the way to a month if necessary. This would be good because there would be no way out of it, once a contact is locked there is no going back; constant consistent willpower would not be needed.

I recently deleted a contact to keep from texting them. I wrote the number down on a notebook and hit delete. I have several reasons for this but lets chalk it up to a measure of self-awareness. For me it's better for a temptation to be eliminated all together than for me to try and trust myself not to cave.

I feel good about this so get on it Verizon. Create this feature and help save us from our most often worst enemy: ourselves.