in the middle of it

There are moments that feel like they're passing us by even while we're in the middle of them. Have you ever felt like that? I had an appointment this morning and had to rush or face being late. I hate barely arriving on time to things, yet despite this hatred, more often than not I arrive just early enough to be considered technically on time. I don't know why I'm like that but it's sort of a pattern now. I hate to keep people waiting because I hate being kept waiting. I tell myself, "Leave by this time to give yourself plenty of time," but too often time just seems to get away from me despite my good intentions.

This morning as I was rushing, feeling frustrated, and fretting over all the delays that just seemed to be making it all the worse, I barely got to appreciate the setting. There I was in my car, that knock-on-wood is running great, I had my Starbucks in the cup holder, good music on the radio - and blizzard conditions on the roadways. It's April in the Midwest so this really shouldn't be surprising. It was hailing down these pellet like beads of white frigidity onto the greening ground and blossoming buds, all in the presence of blustery winds and intermittent sunshine. There I was in the middle of all these contradictions and exceptions, and I felt blessed to be able to recognize its beauty.

I'm in the middle of a personal crisis. It's a quiet crisis; I don't involve others in my dilemmas as a rule because I sort of always handle things by myself. It's hard for me to depend on others because I don't want to get used to expecting help only one day to be found without it. Self-reliance, that's an issue for another post and a good therapist.

My crisis is this: I know I need to obey God regarding a matter of simple serious importance but I don't wanna. It's pathetic isn't it. Obeying God requires not getting what I feel like I want and that's just unacceptable to me. Shaking my head as I write because I know how horrible that is - how like a child of the Devil (John 8:44) for me to feel that way and to think those thoughts but there you have it. It should grieve me more than it does. It stings me but it doesn't grieve me, not that holy grief that makes a lasting change. It scares me that I am able to be so flippant regarding my lukewarm devotion to the only Being that matters.

What is it that makes us so willing to leap into dangerous things without knowing for certain its really right but so unwilling to trust God and wait on His bankable promises? What is it that makes obeying, trusting, fearing, loving God only ever something we should do?

Cop-out #1: If only God would show himself to me then I would believe. "[but] Jesus said, “You believe because you have seen me. Blessed are those who believe without seeing me.”(John 20:29) "'If they don't listen to Moses and the prophets, they will not be persuaded [by anything even] if someone rises from the dead." (Luke 16:31)
Cop-out #2: God can turn my evil into good, so it doesn't matter the wrong I do. "What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it? Or do you not know that as many of us as were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death?" (Romans 6:1-3) "So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus." (Romans 6:11)

In the middle of it all, God is there. ox