make new beautiful

My last 20 something birthday is less than a week away. I have mixed feelings as the day approaches. As you get older, the closing of a decade of living, seems to inspire more reflection than other birthdays or maybe it feels that way to me.

I told myself that becoming thirty wasn't going to be a big deal and on some logical level I know it shouldn't be, but emotionally is another story. I know this isn't my thirtieth birthday yet but its too close for comfort. Thirty is a goal birthday. "By thirty" is a milestone marker used by society - "by thirty I will have my own house" "by thirty I will be married" "by thirty I will have moved to CA" "by thirty I will be finished with graduate school" - thirty is a line in the sand.

Maybe I'm just feeling vulnerable today.

I'm in the middle of goals completed and I'm on my way to completing goals. I have accomplished something these last couple years - it feels good. I know it's important not dwell or think negatively about where and what I am, as if its not enough. A lot of things I wanted to be - a college student, a nursing student, part of a group - I am. It should be satisfying and it is, it is... but... why does there always have to be a but, an and yet? Why can't it ever just be enough for me, what I have?

Perhaps its just a matter of not giving in to doubt and discouragement. If I look not at what I don't have but on all I do - I should be happy, thankful, joyful, glad. There are those that long to be where I am now. I was once them and it felt like I would never get here and snap! all of the sudden it feels like, not only am I there but even past where I wanted to be. Not that I'm done, there is still further to go, but getting this far gives me hope I can make it further.

Is there a point to this post? Honestly, I don't think so. I guess I'm just feeling blue inside. I pray God takes this blue and adds to my life others who can with their unique vibrancy make new beautiful colors appear.