my impatience

"Trusting in the Lord can require that you abandon everything you've ever believed about what brings happiness and fulfillment."

 

Can I be honest? I have no idea what will make me happy and I worry that I might not ever know. I know what I am supposed to say: "God makes me happy" but honestly, it's a rare thing when I actually believe to my core that God and I want the same things.

 

Doubt. It's a terrible thing. It plagues me. I always wonder if things would be different, better, if only I was different - thinner, fairer, younger, smarter - if I didn't lack what I obviously must.

 

This is going to read like I am feeling sorry for myself and I guess really I am. I don't know what's with me tonight.

 

There is this scene in Gone with the Wind, where Scarlett goes to Rhett who's being held prisoner loosely by the Yankees. She's desperate for money to pay the taxes to keep from losing Tara the family plantation. She puts on this big act for Rhett to try and get the money she needs. He lets her, all the while knowing he wouldn't give her any money, and that she wasn't doing as well as she pretended to be. In the end, he says to her, "So you see my dear, you've abased yourself to no purpose." That's how I feel at this moment. It's the only way I can describe it. I feel like I have put on a big show and sold out in some senses for absolutely no gain; whatever "victory" I thought would come was beyond ill conceived; the jokes truly is on me.

 

How can God take me back? Want me? Desire me? Die for me? Love me? I CAN PROMISE HIM NOTHING. I have nothing to give that I can even call authentic. I feel so false. Such a pretender. My best intentions come to crap. How can he believe anything I say when I can't keep promises. Not one promise have I kept.

 

I'm so tired. Tired of being alone. Tired of being on the outside, ever on the outside. Tired of going through the motions it feels like. And more than anything, tired of being afraid. I can't remember the last time I felt safe. SAFE - just the word causes a tear to slide down my cheek. What do I know of safety? I don't want safety for an hour, for a marathon, for a year - I WANT SAFETY FOR INFINITY. I WANT SAFETY FOR BEYOND A LIFETIME. I WANT SAFETY THAT HOLDS ME DESPITE ALL MY FAILURE AND ALL MY GREAT FRAGILITY. Does something like that even exist? Is it possible?!

 

I still have not outgrown my greatest weakness... my impatience.

 

 

 

Read Psalm 119 (NLV)