an unplotted feeling

I feel unplotted today. Maybe it's the yucky weather, maybe it's the stress of finals, maybe it's the reality of how fragile life is - but I feel really alone today.

I fight against my existentialism and melancholia. Some days it's easier to battle against, but today is a tough one. I hate the feeling that comes over me - I feel like the giant chasm that exists in myself is right there to be seen by anyone who looks, but no one looks and really sees, and even if they did it wouldn't matter. A conundrum of misery. I hate feeling fragile and I hate that I hate it. It seems there is no safe place to be vulnerable and that just irritates the raw wound.

Everywhere I have gone today I was on time yet I feel absent from every place.

Yesterday the patient I had was dying from cancer - metastasis of breast cancer to bones and organs, only in their sixties. Their family was "present at bedside." Husband, mom, kids. So lucky to have that in her life and I felt envious and grieved at the same time.

Who's will be at my bedside at the end?
Who's bedside will I be at for theirs?

Morbid thoughts but maybe the most poignant and true of all... sorry if this is a downer of a post... I just feel like I said, really alone today in all the ways that matter...

"Why did I come out from the womb to see toil and sorrow, and spend my days in shame? You said, 'Woe is me! For the LORD has added sorrow to my pain. I am weary with my groaning, and I find no rest.'" Jeremiah 20:18; 45:3

 

Oh God, You are said to be compassionate, merciful, longsuffering, and love itself. Change my incorrect perceptions, take my heart of stone, my mind of mush and fill it with assurance of all I have and am in You. I'm naked and alone in the darkness of my thoughts and emotions, I need You to be my Light and a clothing that pentrates past even my skin. Be not far from me, Abba. I have no plotting on a map, timeline, or graph - make Your love for me what defines me. xo