too feisty? too calm? too...something?

I am going to be honest and vulnerable...ok here I go...breathe...

I worry about what people think of me. That may be a really lame confession but nevertheless it's a hard one for me. I don't know if being an only child raised by a single mother adds difficulty to that confession. I feel like I am supposed to be tough, scrappy, independent and confident; I shouldn't give a darn what other people think of me, with a proud fist in the air. But that is far from being the truth. I fear what people think of me; actually, now that I really think about it, I really fear what men think of me more than anything else. I fear that men perceive me as being too feisty, too "liberal" (politically democratic), too outspoken, some kind of impenetrable "tower of strength" or I fear the complete opposite perception is believed one in which I am too "vanilla", too plain, so uninteresting I should be nonexistent. I don't really see myself very clearly from a male perspective. It's a drawback to not having one steady male influence throughout all my life.

I remember the different men I have known growing up some of them teachers, some of them bosses, some of them relatives. I have learned a lot of good from them. For example, I remember a guy I worked with a couple years ago who gave me encouragement regarding my modest clothing. He said a good guy/boyfriend/husband whatever wants his girl to be "dressed." I think that is simple and true. Objectification of the human body is as common as breathing in our society. A part of me greatly respects the facet of the Muslim religion regarding women covering their hair. The idea of holding something back from the whole world and only sharing it with close family is beautiful. I feel like American culture is leaving less and less sacred; privacy and intimacy are shrinking away.

I really hate that I fear what anyone thinks, male or female; it's not wrong to care what other people think but it is wrong to fear what others thinks. Looking at things from another person's perspective is a humility check against pride; caring that we are being perceived well because we are behaving well, isn't wrong. It's just, I am a woman of the twenty-first century for gosh sakes! It's supposed to be about me liking who I am as a person without worrying about what others think of me (or so Oprah tells us). Also add the Christian component thing into the mix and fearing what other people think really goes out the window. "Don’t be afraid of those who want to kill your body; they cannot touch your soul. Fear only God, who can destroy both soul and body in hell...what does the Lord your God require of you? He requires only that you fear the Lord your God, and live in a way that pleases him, and love him and serve him with all your heart and soul...Serve only the Lord your God and fear him alone. Obey his commands, listen to his voice, and cling to him." (Matthew 10:28, Deuteronomy 10:12; 13:14)

I guess I am just going to keep on keeping on...
Turn up Neon Trees and dance soley for God...inside and out.