i want to apologize

 “I don’t know how to say this. Um, I just...I want to apologize for anything that I ever did to you, ’cause I was messed up...for a long time..."
-Jenny, from the film Forrest Gump

Me and my Google searches, I tell ya. I learn a lot from what I "randomly" find:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/letting-go-of-a-relationshipthat-doesnt-exist/

Sigh. OK. Let's start with what I am not apologizing for. I don't apologize for caring about you, for liking you, for having hopes and good wishes for you. That hasn't changed. I know that the world is full of talkers who say they care but their actions show they don't. But I hope it's known, I hope my character isn't so foreign to you, that you would think I would speak insincerely or flippantly. I really do want you to be happy; from my heart, I wish you the best and most this life has to offer. I'm not sorry for New Years.

What I do apologize for is being messed up in my head and heart. That's all me. It had nothing to do with anyone else. It doesn't even really matter if you understand why but I want to share this. All my life, I have never belonged or fit in. Never. I've always felt like and been an outsider. It started early, having no dad and not having him ever mentioned or brought up ever in all my childhood, put me on the outside early. As I grew older in years I felt like less, I felt like my very existence was a failure and a mistake. I can't explain all the reasons why that is, but I can see that truth about myself. It's not easy to face but it's also oddly freeing. Bittersweet I guess is the word... Anyway, because of my deep seated belief that I was a mistake and my feelings of being an outsider, I believed that happiness wasn't meant for me. Relationships, love, acceptance - those things were for other people, better people, than I. "We accept the love we think we deserve." It's true and I realize it now in a way I never appreciated before.

I'm sorry if you got caught in the cross hairs of my mess. I really am. Gaining self awareness, taking responsibilities for ones own actions and for ones own thoughts and emotions is brutal and very real. I appreciate a little better what amazing courage it takes for an addict to face their addictions and truly change. I'm awed by their courage and in a way revere their process, if that makes any sense. I'm sorry that I believed strongly in what never really existed and that I fought so hard to believe in it even when it was obvious that it was never going to happen.

I apologize for the hurts I caused others foremost and secondly for the hurts I caused myself. The first step to getting well they say is the ability to admit there's a problem. That is my hope in this new start.