psalm from my soul

psalm from my soul

I'm hoping for indifference to envelop me, to numb me with its embrace. That's my desire.

I feel my demon haunting my steps, lurking, waiting for me to accept the inevitable truth that waits to quietly drown me. The demon emanates everything that is the antithesis of light. Its black wings obscure my sight and its razor claws leave marks upon my flesh visible and invisible.

I used to fear getting swallowed whole by this darkness, the emptiness scaring me into silent screams.

My terror now is I'm not scared of that reality anymore, or at least I'm not scared in the same way. I'm too tired to fight against it. That which has sought to suffocate me for so long, I'm willing to accept now.

One can only tread water alone in the turbulent void of the sea for so long. If I was better at the games we play, if I could pretend and really convince myself of lies, then maybe I wouldn't turn toward the abyss so readily. But I am utterly convinced that I mean nothing to anyone; all my love is and will ever be a vain waste. From my conception to my decomposition I will experience it all without knowing what it was to be loved purely.

I wish I was a stronger person.

I once told someone that the story of God telling Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac was a lesson in how everything belongs to God (Genesis 22). God kept his promise and gave Abraham, Isaac, a beloved son after much much waiting when all human reason to hope was lost. God keeps His promises, He gives us everything we have, blessings and curses. God isn't wrong to demand difficult things from us and He's not wrong to ask us to surrender the things we love to Him. Everything we have received, in the end, all that we love, is God's anyway; He isn't wrong to take back what is His. That is not an easy lesson. We like to believe that what we see with our eyes, hold with our hands, love with our hearts, make with our bodies - is all ours alone, but it isn't. This truth would not make me so bitter if anything so precious really was mine to give back. At least then I would know I had truly had something real and been a part of something special.

You left me alone to struggle in the mud and muck. You awakened feelings only to make me doubt them. I was left unprotected, uninformed, exposed. You left me to be the prey of other men with weaker character than you. This is not friendship. This is not anything of depth. It was the most shallow of acquaintances. I will not believe different; like Jacob, I refuse to be comforted, I will not be easily appeased. What you call "care", your pleas for patience, are nothing but tactics, tools you use to disguise your indifference. Snarky, insincere, gwaker - that is your action, that is your character. Too harsh you think is my estimation? It is not. I searched for Darcy and found Vronsky yet again.

Oh to grow up, to take ownership for ones choices, to see things as they really are as they are happening. To not need hindsight to see error but to recognize it in them moment and avoid it. To act when we know we should. To move even when afraid. There are those that stand back and blame, find fault in our character, our appearance, our nature - they diminish and debase us. They are gamers, players, deceivers. They appear grownup but are no where near maturity. They come fairly bound only to stab us in the back with daggers.

The hero of this story, in the end, is me. No one - NO MAN, NO MOTHER, NO OTHER - will do what I must do for myself. All my anger towards others is really at the end anger at myself. Even if I am right about the shabby way some have behaved toward me, I can't blame in the end anyone but myself. I have accepted this treatment. I have let them hurt me. I will not wait anymore or ever again. I will live while there is still light to see, I will live while there is still time, I will live while the gates are open and the fruit is ripe and unspoiled. I will not rot on the vine and I will not let anyone make me regret ever again. I have something hopefully to offer someone else in this life. I will hope for the chance even if it takes a lifetime.