My Great Capacity

What is your greatest gift? What would you say you’re best at? Is it an action, an emotion, a process? What do you do well?

Think of it a different way - what do you most look for in another? Is it ever only just one thing? Usually what we love about someone else is a combination, a collection of attributes. We don’t usually know what these characteristics are until we discover them so nicely put together for us outside of us. No one wants to be defined by a singular adjective. We all are more dimensional than the characters on Friends. Joey is dimwitted, Monica is obsessive, Phoebe is weird, but those of not contained in a TV show aren't that simple and we shouldn’t be. When you really love someone does wealth, family, or even appearance ever matter in the end? Like a work of art, when you love another person, you just know it. What we know from our gut can't be denied.

My great capacity might be for lack. I have a great capacity to lack things. Understanding, nuclear family, size 2 hips - all this I lack and more. There are other people I swear that seem to be a different species. Don’t tell me they don’t exist, I see them. They get to love Jesus and get everything they want or at least make it appear so. You’ve either seen these type of people or you are them. I don’t know which type is more to be pitied. As great as it would be to have it all, I’m not sure I could ever trust it, but trust for me is a recurring issue. If this stream of thoughts is rambling sorry just have to get out what's inside, like withdrawing a poison from a wound.

Whatever you are good at, gifted with, groomed for, there is no denying it. It makes you who you are. Maybe the Incarnation of God in Jesus is a lesson in acceptance. Jesus couldn’t be John, Herod or Pilot. I can’t be Kate Middleton, Gisele or Oprah. He couldn’t be a husband, a dad, or a reflecting old man. I can’t be a sibling, a mom, or daddy’s little girl. All my life I’ve been told that whatever I am either isn’t good enough or if it’s a quality found redeeming, that I had better show it constantly and never be found with it waning. One good quality made to be my only good quality. It’s a lot of unnecessary pressure on a psyche already suffering with some degree of genetic mental instability. Genetics don’t lie. It didn’t start with my mother or grandfather alone. Nope. This goes all the way back to the beginning of mankind when two people were severely stupid. So I say with deep respect... screw others expectations and live from your soul, your center - live out of the essence of Gods love, acceptance, and Light.

Jesus’ limitations comfort me. Maybe he inside wanted a different path than the one he was walking but he still walked on anyway. The knowledge of that means a lot to a girl who’s stepped in small circles all her life. If Jesus walked his path of worst and best case scenario at the same time, maybe we all do that. The path that is so hard, bumpy, and imperfect is also glorious, destined, and made available to us because of the completed work of Christ. Don't miss out on all the many twists and turns of the life he gives us, they are part of what make the journey. His greatest capacity is love and now it lives inside you.

empty

Life is a roller coaster. One day, one month, you are up, feeling terrific, happy and then something internal or external happens and you’re not anymore. You can't identify what it is but there is an ache, a nagging twinge telling you something isn't right. You try to push it from your mind, "accentuate the positive" like the song says but the unease won’t go away.

We are so critical of ourselves, of each other. My God! the time we waste worrying, comparing, maneuvering.

We lie to ourselves and to each other, and it can be so easy. Duplicity, deception - how well do we really know ourselves? Lies exist in the mind and like water flow off the tongue.

I googled several things so far tonight. "empty Christian" "empty in the bible" "hollowed out Christian"... None of the results have made me "feel better" and maybe I'm not supposed to. I am struggling, here and now in the middle of the biggest breakthrough of my life, I am struggling with wondering all over again who God is.

Who God is...
I don't know.
and people,
people who have the answers with ease
have their look together
have the trifecta going - family, friends, fashion
I don't trust them. I don't believe them when they say "Jesus is the best."
Of course you feel that way you suburbanite yuppie; you aren't starving in Somalia, you aren't being blown up in Iraq, you aren't putting your dead baby back into the earth.
I don't trust Joel Osteen. I dislike Joyce Meyer.
No one can be so freaking upbeat all the time. Its gotta be mask. Its just another show, another act.

Jesus didn't die for a country.
Jesus didn't die for a political ideal.
Jesus didn't die for a political purpose period.
Jesus didn't die for a government.
Jesus didn't die for a cause, like saving the rainforest or child obesity.
Jesus didn't die to stop homelessness or end cancer or prevent AIDS.
Jesus didn't die for social equality or racial harmony.
Jesus didn't die to make us feel better.
Jesus didn't die so I could have stuff, really nice stuff or really shitty stuff.

Jesus died. And it was terrible and holy and beautiful because it was the only way to give absolutely dead people absolute life forever. Real life. Not breathing in and out and walking around the planet life, that's temporal.

We are so freaking temporary. By this time next Friday I could be dead and buried and nothing but a memory and its true for all of us. We have no real control over what's possible. I think anyone who tells you different "is selling you something."

With God it is all about quality not quantity. How much real quality can we give to him when we aren't even honest with ourselves? How can I give him quality when I am so wrapped up in the quantity? I count the minutes of my time - sharefest, sanctuary, car prayer time - and you know what, it isn’t enough. So many Christian feel worthless if they haven’t dedicated their careers to a ministry organization and that is so sad. We are blown away by pop culture entitled sermon series, which we could have come up with ourselves if only someone would pay us a freakin salary with health benefits to do so. We marvel at the man on stage but given his many resources, would we not be able to "dazzle" audience in the same way? We live in a world that is quickly changing and yet in many ways is so much the same as it has been from the beginning; mankind will do whatever they can to do what they want and ignore God.

Who is God?  “Who is this man named Jesus?” (Luke 8:25)

is it real?

Is it real? This day, this experience - is it real? Could I have had this sooner and have been someone completely different now? What was the reason I didn't try harder before? Was it because there was no sunlight to help me grow up? Did I lack the encouragement or the help? Words were everywhere. The old loved to give me words of encouragement but loathed to dispense the means of real help. Was the soil of my birth to inhospitable for life to flourish? What held me back from going for it long ago? I want to know. I pride myself on being strong but maybe that is only what I told myself to hide the truth that really I was afraid. I was angry. I was beaten. I was alone. The world had shown to one so young such a dark side of itself. To want something, to want something was too painful for wants equal disappointments and expectations only existed to be dashed.

"Be a father to yourself now." Sometimes I think we have to be our own best friend and some of us even have to be our own good parents. Whether it be distance or simple lack, there are times when we have to take care of ourselves. The summer story of the swimmer who jumped in the river to save his drowning friend weighs upon me now. The would-be-savior drowns, taken by the same unforgiving current. Sometimes in seeking to save the drowning we ourselves become lost at sea. Our own sacrifices should be given with all we are or not at all and even then, the result is not always what we think it will be. Life is not a logical equation.

"What have you learned Dorothy?"

the road paved with...

I had to report to jury duty recently. Luckily I didn't have to serve; I say lucky not because I think jury duty is stupid or because I hate America - no, it's lucky because at this particular moment in my life serving on a jury would be a great financial hardship to me. (If I sound defensive it's because the judge put me through hell in getting out of serving. I felt like I was in grade-school again getting chided for "bad behavior." My patriotism was put into question as well as the legitimacy of my reason for release. Only homelessness was a good enough financial reason in this particular judges eyes for me to be excused. It was not a pleasant experience.) Anyway, while I was walking from my non-validated, self-paid parking spot into the court house to be scanned and searched, I noticed the sidewalk into the courthouse was cracked and big chunks of cement were missing. Immediately the thought came to me that the road to justice is full of holes and cracks. It's a sad thought but I also think it's kind of a true one.

That is not to say I feel justice is never given. Of course out of the hundreds of thousands cases some are bound to contain some measure of justice. But what is interesting about our legal system is all the variables that come into play. Justice is supposedly blind but is she really? If a client has enough coin or is a celebrity they usually have an advantage or edge. Judges have different personalities and different ways of interpreting laws so that can be factor. The competence, character and personality of lawyers is also critical in the outcome of a case. It seems in an odd way like the law is cut and dry until you get into a court room. Just like police can in some instances lawfully lie to a suspect, attorneys can mislead and misdirect all for the sake of winning. Truth and honor become muddied quickly by men, it is our nature defile.

I wish the road to justice was smooth and paved solid but I am realistic enough to know that it isn't. Justice takes work, perseverance, attention and above all a love for truth. Pontius Pilate is famously recorded as asking, "What is truth?" There is a part of me that wants to hide inside that question like Pilate did. There is a part me that wants to throw my hands up in the air and declare life too complicated and truth too subjective to be pinned down. But is that what God would have me do? What would Jesus say the road of righteousness and truth is paved with? I think he would say, "It is paved with the blood of innocence." His innocence paid the price of the guilty. Making what is wrong into what is right is a lesson in sacrifice, forgiveness, and mercy - it's ultimately a lesson in love.

When the wrong is too great and no repayment possible, it is there we see Justice's knife is sharp and arm long reaching. Justice in this world should be pursued and never taken for granted. Where there is no love of law there is no love for man. Justice needs an enforcer and the best enforcer of justice is no mere man. There is a justice after this life that is nearer than we know and far more lasting. May good fear keep us now and always on the narrow road that is Jesus Christ, the road paved with his priceless blood.

nightly news

The world does not see

Our black sisters

Our black sons

Dying in the land of famine.

Being blinded by the god called mammon,

The world does not see

The world does not face

Our black sisters

Our black sons

Swollen profit trumping sunken skin

“What in the end does the Market win?”

The world does not face

The world does not stop

Our black sisters

Our black sons

Dying in the desert sun

Their grief is never done

The world does not stop

The world cannot leave

Our sisters

Our sons

For we are weaved into One

Together may we come

And see hungers effects undone

human smoke signals

There is a locker at work where I stow my purse and belongings during the day. The locker is in my office near a window and yet my cell phone can't get a signal inside the locker. I don't know why, it's not like the locker is made out of titanium. My phone will actually go in roaming mode and then power down. I liken it to my phone being in another country when its in the locker. Once it leaves the locker, the phone gets back onto the Verizon network and fetches any texts that have been circling in space. 

All this made me think how sometimes signals can surround us yet never get through to us. It's like being in a locker of impenetrability. In life we can come to feel unnoticed, unappreciated and undervalued. We check our cell phone, our blog, our Facebook, our email and if no messages are there we feel unloved. If this discouragement continues our ability to receive even positive feedback breaks down. We revert to auto pilot to get through the days. We get less hopeful about the future and more negative about the past. Everyone wants to feel noticed and cared about but in the locker there is only silence. No messages get in and none get out.

Allowing ourselves to be open for communication doesn't come without risks. Anyone who has ever been hurt in a relationship knows the temptation that exists to cocoon yourself off from others out of fear. Relationships can sometimes seem to come with more valleys than high tops. Being inside the locker where signals can't reach you can make one safe from bad signals but the tragedy of the locker is it also keeps out the good signals too. I encourage us both to not lock ourselves off from others. When you feel low and no messages are in any of your many inbox's, think of someone you can send a message to and do it. You'll feel better for it I promise.

my friend...

"I had this friend a while back." I really hate that sentence. I hate that the possessive tense falls in the past. I know that people in these modern times aren't meant to "possess" each other at all and for all intents and purposes I agree with that. But there is also this other side of myself that feels we are kidding ourselves if we think the desire for possession isn't an intrinsic part of our human makeup. "We're in this together", "You jump, I jump", "Till death do us part" - all these sayings and more derive from the fact that belonging to one another is a very real human desire.

The idea of belonging isn't only for humans. Look at the animal kingdom. Lions have prides, birds have flocks, cows have herds, ants have colonies - life on planet earth is a testament to the idea of belonging. I feel like there is an extreme faction out there saying that ANY kind of belonging or needing is wrong but not all belonging is bad. Sometimes it's a good thing to be sheltered under a protective wing whether its the wing of a parent or the United States Bill of Rights. It's good to be cared about, to be valued by someone as much as they value themselves. It is a beautiful thing to be loved.

"A friend I had a while back is a friend no longer." It's so hard to say that but it's the truth to say. It happened years ago now and I thought I was over it and past it, but a few months ago something happened and brought the loss with all its negative feelings back to me. My analytical nature went through it all again, every detail, still trying to figure out why this person stopped wanting to be my friend. I told myself that it bothered me so much because it was "un-Christian" like behavior on their part. I told myself it was my concern for her and not myself that troubled me. However, what I have come to realize is that beneath my religious jargon it was my own pride that was truly bothered. It hurt my pride when this person rejected me. My pride hates to this moment the idea that this person thinks they are better than me, above me, able to have no decent regard for me. Behind my pretense of "caring Christian seeking peace and reconciliation" is a hotheaded petty fool. Under the guise of concern for others, I was truly obsessed with myself - with my pain. I was humiliated at being slighted and written off by this person. I was angry and pissed. I was rejected and hurt. I was confused and filled with uncertainty. I didn't want to face those feelings.

They say someone who is envious is "green with envy" but what color is someone infected with pride? I haven't been the same person inside since all this really started. I know it; I can feel it. I look the same, I wear the same clothes, I still put my hair in a ponytail, I wear glasses while reading. I am not green or red or blue through the world’s eyes, yet inside I was as hard as stone, heavy as concrete and cold as ice. The color pallet of the world for me was reduced to blue and blacks. Not all the time, not everyday but overall my soul was anything but whole and at peace. While outside I did all I always did, inside I was unwilling to accept the remedy of God's love. I'm still working all this out, I don't think I am back to whole yet but I have come to see this sin in me; now I need to see my Savior.

Is the phrase "Best Friends Forever" only for the Babysitter Club Books in the fiction section? What does friendship mean in our society? In our Christian communities? I see how seriously society takes the concept of marriage and my fears regarding friendship only deepen. But that whole rant there is nothing but drivel. In the end the truth is I have been in relationships with some people and those relationships ended and it's not everyone else's fault or a greater societal problem. Dealing with negative feelings is painful. It takes a kind of courage to take a close look at ourselves, to see our faults and acknowledge our wounds.

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (Romans 12:18) At the center of all our human relationships is Jesus and if we lose sight of that we lose everything. For every relationship that left me less whole than more, I have had wonderful relationships that continue to grow me and hold me near; these friendships are like diamonds in the rough. We are all mixed bags of faults and friendly fires. Know yourself. Know your own shortcomings. It makes it so much easier to help in overlooking the shortcomings of others when you see how flawed you yourself are.

we don't but we can

We don't talk about it.

We don't talk about whether the Rapture Doctrine is biblical and when it started.
We don't talk about the damage wrong sincere beliefs do to the innocent.
We don't talk about the theocracy craving far right here in our own homeland.
We don't talk about the political "Christian" posers.
We don't talk about it.

We don't talk about why Mother Theresa more often felt far from God, not close to him.
We don't talk about how the Christian experience is at times is a lonely experience.
We don't talk about what makes Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons beliefs wrong.
We don't confront with the truth and thus spread light. We are always defending, never offending.
We don't talk about how attendance isn't the same as presence. 
We don't talk about sacrificing our whole selves for Him.
We don't talk about it.

We don't value the inner-self above the outer body. 
We don't talk about rampant promiscuity.
We don't talk about the sacrificial offerings women are taught to make regarding their virtue. 
We don't talk about the reasons why women kill other little women growing inside themselves. 
We don't talk about it. 

We don't talk to one another alone, instead we face our image to the whole world & know not 1 person. 
We don't talk to those touched with a soul more melancholy.
We don't talk to the one who wounded us inside.
We don't talk to the person in the seat beside us. 
We don't but we can.

come back, little thought

come back, little thought

Fleeting 

Fumbling 

Thought

So quickly the "genius" is turned off

My muse goes on holiday in seconds

The play on words plays me 

And I can't remember where my mind just was

I try to recreate the moment

But the threads are slipping through my mental fingers

I am emotionally grieved by this loss

What was the idea? 

Think. Think. Think.

Alas

it

is

no 

good.

It 

is

gone.

Locked in a box 

Not to be shared

Lost by my cerbral cortex 

I am in the grieving process

Acceptance is eluding

Come back thought 

Come back to me

You are the light

"You are the light of the world."

Who is this statement about? Is it about: A) Jesus? B) John the Baptist? or C) Paul who was formally Saul? The remarkable thing about the above statement is that Jesus is the one who said it and he said it to ALL his followers. If you are a follower, he is saying it to you. "You are the light of the world." You don't have to be an author with a top-selling book under your belt or a blogger with a fan following to be the light of the world. You don't have to be a monk or a nun to be the light of the world. You don't have to be Mother Theresa or a seminary graduate to be the light of the world. You don't have to have the Noble Peace Prize awarded you by the Swiss to be the light of world. You don't have to shave your head and go without bathing for a month at a time to be the light of the world.

Don't think you aren't good enough , important enough or devoted enough to be the light of the world. Don't let setbacks and mishaps keep you from being who Jesus says you are. Whatever happened yesterday or comes your way today will ever change the Truth: You are the light of the world. (Matthew 5:14)

monks write blogs so so can I

While I was working last week, in between my "working", I happened upon a blog by a Catholic Monk Priest guy and it occurred to me, "If this dude can write a blog, so can I." So in an attempt to get something down before the month of July is completely over I am here at my computer typing at 10 PM on Saturday night. Do I have life changing words to share? ... ... no...not really.... chirp of the cricket... but never the less my thoughts are no less worthy than the zillion of other bloggers in the blogosphere. (I am giving myself a little pep talk here. I have to do that. I live a lot in my head, too much actually and sometimes I get so caught up I don't let anyone in, even the idea of anyone. I can't keep waiting for an emotional cheerleader to appear every time I am down. I will have to cheer for myself instead. Take the bull by the horns, take matters into my own hands, grab life by the balls... ok maybe that was a bit much. But maybe we all need to do that, cheer for ourselves I mean. Every once in a while, take a timeout and say "Go for it!" Sometimes I think we need to parent ourselves once in while too but that is another issue.)

So lets recap where we are at since our last meeting:

Nationally we are on the brink of financial collapse and our legislative branch is being held hostage by a few people who apparently really like pretending to reenact events in the 1700's. Nice. We're all still struggling to eek out a life on this complex spinning marble called earth, our dwelling. We are confused as ever about why things are the way they are and how much longer they will be so. Simple answers no longer sooth as they once did - we want to see "The Wizard behind the curtain" - though we know we have no right. So we go on, breathing in and breathing out while we can, at time stopping to consciously take that deep breath but more often than not breathing without thinking. Some have stopped their breathing though their existing goes on in forms we no longer see.

Spiritually I am seeking the eternal fountain, longing to take a drink from the Well I once knew but somehow was lost to me in the desert wilderness that is dark. Many a savage beast, some in stealth disguises - wolves among the sheep - have taken chunks of my heart and wounded my mind. Many missing pieces I fear are lost forever and the scabs of the wounds are slow to come and when the wound looks it healed, it in time is found to once again be bleeding. The fountain I seek is not the mythical fountain of youth but eternal Fountain of Life. I knew it waters once. I sat by them, drank often from its continual spring. But now I am parched through and through. No fake kool-aid will sooth this thirst any longer. I need the waters that drive away thirst forever... 

Psalm 143
A psalm of David.
¹ LORD, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
² Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.
³ The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in the darkness
like those long dead.
⁴ So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
⁵ I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
⁶ I spread out my hands to you;
I thirst for you like a parched land.
⁷ Answer me quickly, LORD;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
⁸ Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life.
⁹ Rescue me from my enemies, LORD,
for I hide myself in you.
¹⁰ Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.
¹¹ For your name’s sake, LORD, preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
¹² In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.

confronting the truth & contending for the faith

Francis Chan is my human hero. Seriously.

If you are going to read Rob Bell's new book than you have to read Francis Chan's too. I can't wait to compare them and see what kind of buzz Chan's book gets versus Bell's book.

a common feeling

There is a feeling that comes over me at times when I think of Jesus Christ. When I really stop everything and think of Jesus the person, Jesus the only Son of God, Jesus the perfect sacrificial lamb - I feel terribly sad. So worthy, so holy, so good is Jesus. Such a terrible marvel that the spotless Lamb must suffer, must die because of mankind. It is a struggle to accept him and all that he is for myself. I say to myself, "He may have died for other people but not for me." I feel at times like curling into a ball, prostrate upon a patch of dark earth and whisper, "Unworthy! Unworthy! Unworthy!" and when I see and hear his love reaching out to me I inside cry "Unclean! Unclean! Unclean!" It is a hard thing for me to accept God's love shown to me through Christ.

The times when I do accept the truth are made all the more unbearable when I fail again, sin once again in the same way, fall to the same inner weakness. How many promises have I made to You and not kept?! How many unknown things do I do and think that are wrong in Your eyes?! How can God love me and want to have me as own?! How can He who is the the constant constancy in all of existence, willing receive me, the hopelessly inconsistent and fickle, into his arms?

I feel like church all my life has done nothing to ease my fears and sorrows. I have gone to many churches over the course of 20 years. From the smaller church where the pastor knew your name, to the mega church where I'm just a face in the crowd, I've experienced it all. The Church is the beloved of Christ and the Church is to be a body of people working together, needing many different parts in order to truly function. The concept doesn't seem to match the reality; some might ask, "Does that matter?", I ask "Shouldn't it matter?" There will I guess always be disagreements and difference in any man involving institution but that seems a poor explanation and a lame excuse for the disunity and non purity I've witnessed and experienced.

What would Paul say if he were here today? I wonder...

curbside curves

Sorry for not posting in over a week. I back dated the previous post to Fridays date. Since the news of Osama bin Laden's death (assassination?) I have been contemplating past memories and sorting out present feelings. I sort of lost my sharing, writing bug. I went into a cocoon of self-consciousness but I am over it now. So here we go, beginning once again...

curbside curves

On the way to work I noticed someone had put an old computer desk out by the garbage. It was one of those build it yourself, generic, laminated fiberboard desks. I began to wonder about the story of the discarded desk. I wondered who built it and why. I wondered about the study done and the knowledge gained. I wondered about the feeling the owner had the day they bought the desk and the time it took to build it. Did the owner ever think a day would come when it would be put out on the curb as garbage? I bet they didn't and that is the point that really stuck out to me. When we buy something new we never think about the day when we are going to say goodbye. When we buy
something we never think about the object breaking or becoming one day discarded.

I remember when I was little I had one of those toy play kitchens; it had a sink, stove and fridge. There are pictures of me unwrapping it at Christmas and stories of how excited I was. It had play dishes and fake food, everything you could need. Oddly enough I don't have any memory of playing with it but I do remember when I was much older helping hauling it out of the basement and setting it out to the curb for spring cleaning garbage pickup. There was a sticky spot in the sink from some experiment of mine gone awry, neglect had cast a thick film of dust upon it; it was no longer what it once was. Seeing that desk made me think how objects bought in a moment of time, are for a moment in time. Sometimes purchases are suspended in the moment of purchase and they can't move forward with time; A play kitchen gives way to the real kitchen, a fixed desk gives way to the mobile laptop. So much of our life can become wrapped up in objects and so many objects ultimately end up curbside. Some acquisitions don't last, they aren't meant to.

There is another angle to the curbside tale: one persons trash is another persons treasure. Sometimes things set curbside get a second chance at life. The play kitchen never made it to the dump, at least not on this curbside visit. Someone came and took it for their little one to play with. What is no longer useful to one person can be needed by another. My mom's recent move caused us to go through a lot of stuff, deciding whether it was donation, keepsake, or garbage. The joy of letting things go and giving stuff to those in need was one of the most freeing things I have experienced in a long time.

In life there are curves and curbs; maybe there are something things you need to put curbside and maybe life has thrown you some curves you need allow yourself to recover from. xo

my 9-1-1 about 9/11

This has a couple swear words, it's unfiltered feelings. Please don’t read it if you can’t read past “curse words”. xo

“Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Matthew 5:44

September 11^th, 2001 happened my senior year of high school. I remember the bell had rung ending English class. The teacher said something about an announcement going to be made over the loudspeaker regarding some national event, crisis. The story was a commercial airliner had crashed into one of the Twin Tower’s in New York City. There was at first no reason to assume that it was necessarily terrorist related. At first it was thought to be an accident, an error, a snafu but then... a second air plane crashed into the other tower... and we all knew... this was no accident. Reports were coming in of possible other planes missing and speculation was rampant regarding what the next target might be. Air traffic control centers across the country worked to land every single plane airborne in the United States immediately. It was a terrifying morning but the morning wasn’t over; the sight of the south tower crumbling... the sight of the north tower crumbling... the sight of the pentagon burning... the stories of people jumping out of the 110 story towers to their deaths, the tale of firefighters and policeman not running away from the towers but towards them... the day isn’t one you forget. I remember calling my mom from school to make sure was alright. Sometimes her work gave her reason to be in downtown Milwaukee and with major cities being attacked I was worried. I remember coming home from school, walking up the stairs and turning on CNN. The images of horror, no words can ever capture.

September 11^th shattered that naivety that America was invulnerable. The bigger questions of “Why did this happen?” and “What does it mean?” didn’t linger long. Immediately a military attack was orchestrated with promises of retribution (“justice”). Immediately people handed over their civil liberties like they were tinker toys. The reason of “Why?” didn’t matter as much as the punching back. Prior to the disaster the leaders of our nation were looking for a way to attack Iraq and they manipulated the 9/11 event to be their reason. Prior to the disaster there were warnings of its coming and the leaders of our nation did nothing. Nothing was practically done to prevent this crisis but a hell of a lot of shit was blown up after it happened. Nice. How many innocent Afghani people died in our display of “You hit me, I pulverize you”? Will there be a memorial to them at the site of 9/11 or are they just as faceless, nameless and voiceless as they were before September 11^th? How much tax money has exchanged hands under the table, even out in the open? “Bin Laden, wanted dead or alive” our cowboy President said then later it was “Osama Bin Laden who?” The bullshit of this fiasco staggers the mind. Water boarding, “wartime president” rhetoric, torture and humiliation of prisoners, assassinations, cover-ups, lies, deception, using fear to manipulate, terror levels, the pointless gesture of taking your shoes off at the airport - all this and more became our American way of life.

Never once do I remember praying for Osama Bin Laden. It is such a shaming thing that it never even occurred to me to pray for him. Prayer isn’t my natural inclination anyway but more on that another time. This is going to sound un-American perhaps but I never looked at Osama Bin Laden and thought “enemy”. I certainly didn’t think friend or buddy by any means, but the word enemy didn’t come to mind either. Osama Bin Laden was like an odd phantom, un-catchable and yet able to communicate via internet video; he was to me a caricature of a larger issue. His face was made a symbol of an ideological, fanatical religious movement but killing the face doesn’t kill the movement; just as the death of Hitler did not bring the death of Nazi ideology, unfortunately.

How do we and did we as Americans treat our enemy? I am not impressed or proud. If Rush Limbaugh is saying “Thank God for Obama” I have to question what it is that Obama has done. Praise from Rush is not something I aspire my leaders to have. I don’t know - the way this whole thing has been handled is rubbing me the wrong way. How is Osama being dead make everything or anything better? Different even? What does his being dead now have to do with anything?

I respect our military, I value our men and women who serve, have served and who have died. Don’t make this into a patriotism thing. How is us sacrificing our enemy and our military on the altar of patriotism any different from what they do to us? Don’t make this into a religious thing. How is us sacrificing our enemy and our military on the altar of religions any different from what they do to us? I just don’t understand the wars of the last 50 years. Why does it always come down to killing? Who is right when it comes down to it? Both sides say God is on their side but the harder work of truly seeking to know God is always, always left undone. It is so easy to say something and never understand it. We speak for God when He hasn't said anything. So wrong! If the retaliatory behavior against an offender is identical to the original offenders’ behavior - than what is the point? When we become what we say we hate, we're lost. This whole thing has cost us so much, not just in skyscrapers and symbols, not just in people and service - but in our character. Who are we as a government and as a people? I wish I could say I know but I just don’t anymore...

ok...it was a perfect day

I wasn't one of the people to rise early to watch the Royal Wedding; no I was just one to stare at photos online and watch an hour long TV special about the wedding when I got home from work. Much to my chagrin I did find myself gushing over the whole thing actually. The looks William and Kate shared with each other would make anyone happy for them. Truly it was an emotionally moving, "perfect" day. The weather, the clothes, the dress, the setting, the sentiment - it was all... flawless.

This weekend started a tad shaky with the Internet going down at home. This wouldn't be a crisis ordinarily but I needed to finish up a scholarship application and having the Internet was imperative. I managed to get a hold of tech support after work on Friday and after a two hour long wait and a pointless conversation - they agreed to send a technician out the next day... and low behold they did. He came, fixed the issue, it is surreal how well it all went. He came before noon like promised and was gone by one. I took a shower, cleaned up and went out for a manicure/pedicure. I remembered to bring my nail polish color I wanted to use. My nail were actually dry when I left and are currently still chip free (which is an amazing feat ha ha). I went to the grocery store with no incidents of horror to report. Came home and took my Grammy out for a pre-mothers day dinner. Arrived home to start a new craft crochet project. I really got a lot done today. Perhaps perfect days aren't meant for only Princes. Sometimes when a good day comes along, appreciate it. "Perfect" is different for every person. Hope perfection found you today too. xox

the real royal wedding

The Marriage Supper of the Lamb 

Then I heard what seemed to be the voice of a great multitude, like the roar of many waters and like the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out,

"Hallelujah!For the Lord our God
the Almighty reigns.
Let us rejoice and exult
and give him the glory,
for the marriage of the Lamb has come,
and his Bride has made herself ready;
it was granted her to clothe herself
with fine linen, bright and pure"—
for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints.

And the angel said to me, "Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb." And he said to me, "These are the true words of God." Then I fell down at his feet to worship him, but he said to me, "You must not do that! I am a fellow servant with you and your brothers who hold to the testimony of Jesus. Worship God." For the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy.

The Rider on a White Horse 

Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war. His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on his head are many diadems, and he has a name written that no one knows but himself. He is clothed in a robe dipped in blood, and the name by which he is called is The Word of God. And the armies of heaven, arrayed in fine linen, white and pure, were following him on white horses. From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty. On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, King of kings and Lord of lords.

Then I saw an angel standing in the sun, and with a loud voice he called to all the birds that fly directly overhead, "Come, gather for the great supper of God, to eat the flesh of kings, the flesh of captains, the flesh of mighty men, the flesh of horses and their riders, and the flesh of all men, both free and slave, both small and great." And I saw the beast and the kings of the earth with their armies gathered to make war against him who was sitting on the horse and against his army. And the beast was captured, and with it the false prophet who in its presence had done the signs by which he deceived those who had received the mark of the beast and those who worshiped its image. These two were thrown alive into the lake of fire that burns with sulfur. And the rest were slain by the sword that came from the mouth of him who was sitting on the horse, and all the birds were gorged with their flesh. (Revelation 19:6-21)

spectacular spectacles

Spectacles draw a lot of attention. The spectacle of a three year old throwing a tantrum in aisle three of Walmart can draw some awkward attention. A fender bender on the side of the highway can turn into a spectacle as people bring traffic to a snails pace to stare at the scene. The spectacle of a rich British woman marrying a richer, more privileged British man draws more attention than a nation in chaos, a region in turmoil or a garbage float twice the size of the state of Texas floating out in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Real life, real issues, real pain, real loss, real injustice - all of this is really ignored for the sake of a more amusing spectacle. What is humanities bent on making trivial things into public spectacles and ignoring important matters all together?

I was talking with a friend the other night about the upcoming royal wedding and how I will be so glad when it is all over. The royal wedding is all the "news" seems capable of discussing. "Kate and William: The Saga of Love" is getting a ginormous amount of play in the media. I am almost physically ill because of it. I don't begrudge the couple their happiness or their future together - but it does not consume my life or affect my life or change my life. I had the news on last night and already little British girls are dropping higher aspirations of being humanitarians, doctors and scientists, instead aspiring to become royal princesses. How sad is that, what does that say about how women view themselves and how women are viewed by others? Beauty and fertility are still regarded as woman's highest assets.

Some public spectacles can be used as a means of warning. In the past hanging criminals was done in public to show all the penalty for serious crimes. The Romans used public spectacles of punishment to show their power and public spectacles of entertainment to show their wealth. Mankind has always been attracted to ostentatious, gregarious spectacles. May this British royal wedding spectacle make us think of the true spectacle: an innocent, perfect, poor Nazarene man and God's only Son being slaughtered for the sins of those who would but believe in him. Now that is a spectacular spectacle!

Jesus said to them, "Have you never read in the Scriptures: "'The stone the builders rejected has become the cornerstone; the Lord has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes!’?"' Matthew 21:42

the straight line

It is said that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Going straight seems like it should be easy enough but going straight only works if you know where you are and where you need to go. One good thing to come out of the Rob Bell "Love Wins" book crisis, is how much it has made so many people think about what they believe and why the believe it. I know it has made me read more than I have in long time and pick up my bible more than I have in months.

To know where I stand as a human being in general and as a specific individual before God is truly important. To know the distance between myself and God is important. To appreciate that God is not myself or anything like myself or anyone else for that matter, is important. To know that the greatest gift God gives is Himself - God is the Gospel. I don't love God because I fear Hell, I love God because I fear God. I don't love God because I want social justice, I love God hence I care about social justice. (How would I even know what soical justice was without God to push the definition further than man would ever take it!) I don't love God because I want a full bank account and a Lexus, I love God because his "love is better than life." (Psalm 63:3) I don't love God because I think it will make me popluar and make me liked, I love God because He "is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26) I don't like God, I love God. God's love for me does not depend on my love for him, nor is the amount with which I love him the amount with which he loves me. Love doesn't mean exemption from grief, exemption from truth, exemption from reality, exemption for consequence, exemption from correction. "Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me." (Revelation 3:19-20) Throw open the door and worshp the glory of God in the face of Christ Jesus!

bloom for You

New York Times article regarding Washington DC's declining tourism was titled "Cherry Blossoms Bloom, Even as Tourism Recedes." It made me think how maybe the blossoms aren't blooming for us. They bloom whether we notice them or not, they bloom whether we tend them or not. All of creation is responding to its Creator; this Spring may we as well. xo

even in hell they still don't get it

The Rich Man and Lazarus (Luke 16:19-31)

"There was a rich man who was clothed in purple and fine linen and who feasted sumptuously every day. And at his gate was laid a poor man named Lazarus, covered with sores, who desired to be fed with what fell from the rich man’s table. Moreover, even the dogs came and licked his sores. The poor man died and was carried by the angels to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried, and in Hades, being in torment, he lifted up his eyes and saw Abraham far off and Lazarus at his side. And he called out, 'Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus to dip the end of his finger in water and cool my tongue, for I am in anguish in this flame.' But Abraham said, 'Child, remember that you in your lifetime received your good things, and Lazarus in like manner bad things; but now he is comforted here, and you are in anguish. And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been fixed, in order that those who would pass from here to you may not be able, and none may cross from there to us.' And he said, 'Then I beg you, father, to send him to my father’s house— for I have five brothers—so that he may warn them, lest they also come into this place of torment.' But Abraham said, 'They have Moses and the Prophets; let them hear them.' And he said, 'No, father Abraham, but if someone goes to them from the dead, they will repent.' He said to him, 'If they do not hear Moses and the Prophets, neither will they be convinced if someone should rise from the dead.'"

I have been thinking about this story from Luke ever since Rob Bell's new book buzz. Something I hadn't noticed before suddenly dawned on me; if light bulbs appear overhead when awareness strikes, I would have had a big, blinking light bulb overhead. From just this story it is clear that Jesus is telling there are no second chances after death nor are there opportunities to effect change on earth after death. Jesus is also clearly saying that if one is not convinced here in this life by the Scriptures, they will NEVER BE CONVINCED not even if a dead man visited them. The rich man during his life on earth had a lot of things - wealth, abundant provisions, lush living. It wouldn't be unfair to also say that these riches afforded the rich man a certain praised status in high society, a sheltered existence that was completely unaware of the quality of life existing just outside his gate. Lazarus was poor and thus despised, which is not much different from the way the poor are treated now. The narrative describes "dogs coming to lick his sores", this does not a blessed picture make. The poor have always been treated with a degree of contempt by many in high and privileged society. The poor are often blamed for their poverty and misfortune. In some societies the destitute are treated as less than human, forced to scrap out survival among trash heaps.

The new thing that dawned on me about this story is that the rich man even in death does not get that Lazarus is not "lesser" or inferior or contemptible. The rich man even in death was treating Lazarus as someone who should do his bidding and ease his suffering ("send Lazarus with water for me", "send Lazarus to my brothers"). The idea that he had treated Lazarus wrong never dawns on him or occurs to him. The idea that Lazarus was his equal, someone who should directly be addressed, directly be asked for a favor - is still completely missed by the "rich" man.

The way the poor and those on the fringes of society are treated is important to God; what is important to God is important to those who love God. May we look at who is lying right outside our own "gates", may we see them as our equal which they are and seek to help them as they need. May we also realize that there are no second chances after this life is over and appreciate that the greatest need mankind faces in not the physical but the spiritual. "...We appeal to you not to receive the grace of God in vain. For he says, "In a favorable time I listened to you, and in a day of salvation I have helped you." Behold, now is the favorable time; behold, now is the day of salvation." (2 Corinthians 6:1-2)

forgiving God

"Do you know what? God wants you to come to him with all your heartaches, even if you think he caused them. In all good relationships, we must go to the one that’s hurt us and tell them. If we don’t get honest with God when he’s hurt us, that chasm between him and us will only grow. That bitterness takes root and we find ourselves all the further off track without him." - from another blog, Living by Faith

I have been wanting to write a post on this subject for awhile. It's a difficult subject to address, I think because not all honesty is embraced in the Christian community. There is a ton of acceptance and applause for being perky, being upbeat, being cute - but not a lot of support for depression, sadness and confusion. I hope this blog is a help to those who don't have all the answers and aren't always comfortable with the patent answers they are given. There are seasons of genuine loss, grief, despair, confusion, loneliness for everyone. To deny the existence of those feelings is to deny a person a part of their journey, to deny them a greater understanding of who God is. It has been through my struggles and setbacks, that I have come to lean on God. When things are great or the status quo is being maintained, my spiritual growth slows to a trickle sometimes even reverses. I think here on this planet I need struggle and things to wrestle with to keep me grounded, to keep me humble, to keep me longing for Him. I know myself, "For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out." (Romans 7:18)

My trust issues and ill-will towards God stem from my hurt pride in not getting what I wanted or what I thought I deserved. Truly its vanity that pushes away my ability to trust Him. I wish I could say, "I am this and I will always be this" or "I believe this and that will never change" but I myself cannot do even that. I myself alone have not the character to start truly or complete finally the journey of faith without Him helping me and keeping me. This is not an excuse to continue to do wrong, for saying "But I can't help myself!" isn't going to fly before Him.

Choices don't equal rights. Just because an option is open to us or a possibility/opportunity exists, that does not mean we have the unanswerable right to take it. Choices don't equal rights. They didn't in the garden and they don't here. Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, "“You did not make me”? Can the pot say to the potter, “You know nothing”?" (Isaiah 29:16). No, we were not made to glorify ourselves or to be glorified. No, an image bearer is meant to give glory to the Original Image not the other way around. Mans glory is to reflect God's glory and when it fails to do so, God is maligned. A powerful God need not also be loving and kind and merciful but HE IS. "In all their affliction He was afflicted, And the Angel of His Presence saved them; In His love and in His pity He redeemed them; And He bore them and carried them all the days of old." (Isaiah 63:9)

Forgiving God is about honesty. It's about really seeking out anew who we ourselves really are and who God really is. A big part of forgiving God is realizing the need to give God the glory He deserves. Forgiving God...as if...Oh God forgive us for our foolish muddled thoughts!

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Genesis 50:20, Romans 8:28)

hard-boiled, sunny-side & scrambled

A friend of mine mentioned that she was going to be coloring eggs with her small children over the weekend. It made me remember when I would color eggs around Easter time. It was nothing more than a craft made special and exciting by the exclusivity of its occurring only once a year. I remember sticking stickers on the colored eggs and making one for each family member. I remember granny searching the cupboards for the bottle of vinegar needed to make the colors. I don't really remember eating many hard-boiled eggs as a kid though...odd.

There was a time when life seemed like nothing but fun and opportunities were endless. Doing dishes was exciting and going to the market was an adventure. There was a time when wanting to be a princess who traveled to the moon and was CEO of Crayola color magic and Lisa Frank sticker factory wasn't far fetched or unattainable. Many teachers encouraged us to dream and dream big, to let our imaginations soar. Pretend and make believe wasn't silly or stupid. I don't know at what exact point a child becomes an adult, I don't know exactly when we put away childish things nor how those childish things are determined; I only know there came a time for me when coloring eggs wasn't thought of, when playing with Barbies became boring and the odds of me actually going to the moon where realized as slim.

It seems like as adults we don't get colored eggs anymore. As adults our eggs are always white and occasionally brown but they're never colored. The assignments we get as adults are less carefree. We become responsible for big deal things, losing a little bit of that whimsy that a tie-dyed egg represents. As adults we relate more to the cooked egg than to the colored craft. Some of us become boiled in the high temperatures of anger and bitterness or some become hardened from a life bubbling too fast for too long with no break to cool and reflect. Some of us are like an egg cooked sunny side up and are too runny, going all over the place, lacking the ability to stick with something for very long or have a fixed, healthy goal. "Sunny-siders" appear jovial but aren't concerned with long term consequences or in handling messy cleanups. And lastly some adults are scrambling to get the next new, better and bigger thing, scrambling for that always out of reach boyfriend, relationship, career, or car - scrambling to do it all and have it all.

In the end coming out of the shell is an inevitable process but what comes out is a matter of preparation. How prepared are you? xo

what are we fighting for?

There are different kinds of fighters in this world. There are firefighters who brave burning buildings and put out scorching flames. There are boxers who train their bodies to not just give a physical beating but to take one. Some fight for personal glory, some for national pride. Some fight battles within themselves.

Fighting is such a part of life. We fight to survive. We fight to provide. We fight to thrive. We fight the daily grind. We fight the asphalt jungle. We fight the traffic and the crowds. We fight for a parking space. We fight the battle of the bulge. We fight poverty. We fight AIDS. We fight cancer. I am so tired of fighting. Paul wrote in 1 Timothy 6:12, "Fight the good fight of the faith" but honestly, sometimes I am so exhausted from fighting all the other battles occurring inside the span of a twenty-four hour day the idea of taking on another fight is overwhelming. I was thinking on the drive home the other day about how exhausting this life of fighting can be and it made me wonder, "What are we supposed to fight for?"

Does Jesus call us to fight for Him? Does He call his followers to fight for his name to be believed and respected? If He does call us to fight for Him, in what way does He want us to do it? Certainly not with swords and clubs, nor with anger and malice. Right before Paul writes "Fight the good fight of the faith", he wrote to Timothy, "But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness." Gentleness now there is word like salve to the heart wounded and weary from a life filled with fighting. Jesus is a gentle man and a gentle King. Think about his patience and humility, his faith and strength. He had no armor of steel or iron, He had not a visible throne from which to make important decrees, He was not clothed in fine garments nor adored with precious stones - yet He fought the biggest battle ever, the battle for the human soul. In a certain sense you could say it wasn't even His fight; He having nothing himself to atone for took upon himself our fight for atonement. He took on a battle he knew we could never win ourselves and one it for us. Think about Him today and think of what a true fighter is.

virtual rule #10

Virtual Rule #10: complete sentences+complete words = A Completed Thought

I like shortcuts as much as the next person. If I can shave some time off a project and still get the same result as if going the long way around, I am giddy. Case in point, I try to send a text message of God centered encouragement everyday. I love the challenge of conveying a big thought or truth into a 160 character space text message. It is amazing how many times it works out to be exactly 160 character spaces but there are times when I have gone way over the 160 character limit. When this happens abbreviations & symbols become a vital lifeline. I say all this to show that I do appreciate abbreviations BUT I think we are using them too often and unnecessarily.

I know the whole point of text messaging is to keep communication short and concise but not everything can be condensed down into an abbreviation; sometimes you are going to have to type the whole word out (or imagine this CALL THE PERSON!). When your communication can't be understood there is a problem. This is going to sound possibly silly but, "Say what you are saying." Communicate what is going on, what you want to happen, what you need to happen - and if there is an inconsistency between these three things, acknowledge it and seek out an effective remedy.

Example scenario: Two friends have plans to meet up for lunch. One of the friends has a migraine and cannot even open her eyes without pain. She wants to have lunch but realistically needs to reschedule. Hemming and hawing is not going to fix the situation. A decision needs to be made and then that decision needs to be communicated. A text of: "Sorry but I can't make lunch. Bad migraine today, can't move. Can we reschedule 4 next week?" It's really that easy. Don't belabor the point and drag it on. Don't wait till 30 minutes before meeting to cancel. Just say what you need to say plain and promptly.

Use abbreviations only to the extent that the communication being rendered is still effective and completely able to be understood. Don't dance around an issue either. If the recipient of a message scratches their head in puzzlement and has to get out an interpreting guide and Ouija board than communication methods need to be examined. Be clear. Be concise. Be kind.

defining BOLD

Merriam Webster Dictionary - Definition of BOLD:
1a: fearless before danger b: showing or requiring a fearless daring spirit
2: impudent, presumptuous
3 obsolete : assured, confident
4: sheer, steep <bold cliffs>
5: adventurous, free <a bold thinker>
6: standing out prominently

I was talking with a friend the other night and Rob Bell's new book came into the discussion. The word "bold" was thrown around regarding Rob Bell's exegesis regarding God, love and hell. The word "bold" was being used with positive connotations, "Rob Bell is being bold with his new book." It has troubled me ever since. "Bold" is not a word I would use to describe Bell's misusing biblical text and attempting to dissuade people away from truthful, contextual biblical interpretation; I would call this heretical, tragic and disheartening but I would never call it "bold". If Rob Bell has a problem with God and who God shows himself to be through the text of the bible, I would respect him more if he rejected scripture entirely instead of trying to twist biblical texts to say things that it doesn't say. Rob Bell isn't being bold, he is being impudent and insolent. If Bell were just some dude who wrote a book attempting to start a discussion about Hell, God and love - that would be fine and that not something people should fear BUT that's not what he is doing. Bell isn't just some "dude", he is a pastor, a teacher and supposed to be an apparent spiritual Christian leader and when he says or writes something, he is laying out a theology. With this book he's attempting to promote a certain viewpoint and dissuade people of differing views into believing his view; this is a serious thing especially if he is wrong.

Just because something true makes me uncomfortable or is hard for me as a mortal to completely grasp, doesn't mean it becomes not true. No man has the ability in and of themselves to define absolute truth - that's what makes it absolute truth. Absolute truth lies outside of mankind in the being and personhood of God who is outside of all things and yet made all things. This is part of the great mystery and power that make God, God. If I completely understood God I would be God. I know there are a lot of people who can't accept this.

Maybe I am just being too much of stickler here regarding the word bold. In the end I guess it really struck me because I equate whether rightly or wrongly the word bold with the word beautiful. It is beautiful when something that you imagine to be small and weak does something bold and brave. It is beautiful when a person is bold and shares something unknown about themselves with others. A lot of things are BOLD and beautiful, I just don't think Rob Bell's recent publishing is one of them.

the testing

How fitting that this post occurs on the same day as the post entitled "the trusting", for low and behold today my trust has been tested. I have been tested in sort of indirect ways; a lot of things happening around me but not directly to me. Things that I can either let stress me and fret me or I can trust God. Normally I let things get to me; I can actually feel the stress inside building. I try to tackle a goal that is too big instead of breaking into manageable realistic stages. Today, I felt that same feeling of uncertainty giving rise to panic. I had a talk with myself, saying either I will trust God completely or I will needlessly freak myself out. There is no sort of partial credit available when it comes to trust, it's pass or fail. So I talked myself down from my inner metal ledge and took a deep breath. When the next testing of trust comes (and it will) I will remember to take life as it comes with trust that God is with me and before me.

"But be assured today that the LORD your God is the one who goes across ahead of you like a devouring fire..." Deuteronomy 9:3

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Dueteronomy 31:8

the trusting

God isn't counting on you. God doesn't have all his hopes wrapped up in you. God's sovereignty will not be upended because you mess up, screwed up, failed or fall short. God is big, really really big; way bigger than our individual failings and way bigger than our corporate "successes". Please stop carrying the burden of the misconception that God is "counting on us" because it's toxic. We aren't meant to be the Trustee (the one who manages the big picture and controls ultimate endings); we are meant to be the trusting. Whatever we do, we should do out of trust in God and faith in His Son. We should never act from the belief that God is trusting in us and needs our "gifts". Instead we should be humbled that God is able to make anything good from us, truly! glory be to God! "For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord." (1 Corinthians 1:26-31)

When we fall short, when we are acutely aware of our sinfulness before a holy God, when we are perceiving the awe, splendor and majesty of God revealed to us through Jesus Christ - it will shrink us into silent reverence and worship, a fear drawing us closer to God not further away. When our gifts fall short, when we who are good at speaking can't project our voice, when we who write can't find the right words, when we who lead take a stumble - we need to know that God isn't diminished. Our seeming failures and many weakness aren't to be equated with God failing or being weak. Don't trust in yourself but trust in God!

This is not to say that God doesn't have expectations for us. There are ways he wants us to behave and things expects us to do but our obedience must flow out of our faith in Him and our hoping in his promises. Don't trust in yourself but trust in God! "Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?" And he (Jesus) said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment." (Matthew 22:36-38)

"...I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God."" Psalm 31:14

so great a sacrifice

Do you feel worthy enough of having Christ give His life for you? Do you feel He did the right thing (smart thing? wise thing? just thing?) in giving his life (His perfect, spotless, blemish-free, sinless, innocent life) for you? Maybe because it is traditionally what is called "Holy Week", I am pondering more heavily than I have in a long time what Jesus' life and death means. I am considering closely the words, "Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8) and this is giving way to my having a deep connection in my heart with the tax collector from Luke 18 who could not even raise his eyes towards the heavens where God dwells but who looking at the ground, beat his breast, and said, "God have mercy on me a sinner."

I have been gnawing over this issue today and my short answer to the above questions has been "No." I don't feel worthy of so great a sacrifice on my behalf. I don't think I am worthy and here is the kicker, it really doesn't matter what I think. It really doesn't matter if I feel worthy of such a sacrifice because it's not about me, at least it's not about me in any central sense. My feeling don't determine the truth either way for Truth lies outside of me and my fickle feelings.

I was feeling really low and down earlier while thinking about worth, Jesus and the mess called me. I was thinking of Him who deserved only the best that man can offer, of Him whom even mans best isn't worthy enough for. I was thinking of Him who deserves all honor, only the deepest respect and continual worship being unjustly convicted, sickeningly slandered, openly mocked, physically tortured, and unduly degraded. All this done to Him and he did not participate in the spectacle of his mock trial, He did not call for fire to fall from Heaven upon his slanderous accusers, He did not rain down curses upon his many executioners; instead in the midst of this horror, He prayed to God, He cared for His mother, was concerned for the welfare of future generations, fulfilled the prophecies and entrusted Himself to His Father.

This helped me at just the right time, Luke 15:19-24:
“...I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants.”’ 
“And he arose and came to his father. But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.’
“But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet. And bring the fatted calf here and kill it, and let us eat and be merry; for this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ And they began to be merry."

What God has redeemed let no man overlook.
What God has restored let no man reject.
What God has cleansed let no man defile.
What God has loved let no man despise.

home isn't a physical structure

The phrase "Hospitality without the house" from a previous post keeps coming to my mind. I think it's because I am in my later twenties and don't have a house or a dwelling all my own. I figured that by this time I would have a house with a garage and a dishwasher. I thought I would be mowing the grass in the summer and raking leaves in the fall.

Maybe there is something to be said about not getting what you think you want, when you think you want it. Maybe if I had gotten all that I thought I wanted, I would have missed out on what I needed. Going back to school fills me with excited nausea. The nursing road is a long one and there are many different places it could take a person. I have a long way before I will be ready to apply for the RN nursing program itself, at least if I do it through the local community college; so much to think about and figure out. Trepidation fills me and if a nervous breakdown isn't to follow, I am going to have to learn to trust a higher power.

I was thinking yesterday about this guy that I really loved and would have done anything for. He never gave me the time of day really and it occurred to me that maybe God did that for a reason. Maybe I wouldn't have had gained courage if I had gotten what I thought I wanted. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to go back to school if I was in a serious relationship. Maybe I wouldn't be willing to try this new path if this particular person were more central in my life. It became apparent to me that maybe he really wasn't right for me and that, go figure, God knew it all along. It's hard sometimes when you think you know what you want, when you think you know what would be best for youself. Short sightedness is such a reality to we mortals; I hope it doesn't have to be.

With the crazy spring weather, in which it is 80 degrees one day and snowing the next, I watched a lot of Netflix over the weekend. I watched a Disney movie of all things (I am such a Pollyanna) and there was a moral in it that is so fitting for what I coming to discover. The moral went like this: It’s more important to have what you need than what you want. It really makes you think about separating and distinguishing between needs and wants. Relationships and laughter, someone to share moments with - these are the things that are truly needed on a human level. Savor people and relationships while you have them and don't take them not for granted. When you take the scale of needs versus wants to the spiritual level, your left with the reality that this Being called "God" trumps all finite worries.

Look at your life and see that it is filled with a lot of what you need.
Allow some of your wants to be swallowed up by what you already have.

log-ing is good for the soul

Dialog  and conversation are so important to the soul. It's important to be able to express yourself with another person and to be a sounding board for which another person can express themselves. Sometimes the opportunity for this isn't ideal, our friends live far away and can't talk in person or it's already ten minutes to midnight and the idea of writing an email seems so exhausting. True personal, intimate communication takes effort and intention; it take effort to overcome our unintentional, attention-less society. Making yourself available to another person, not allowing yourself to monopolize the conversation - these things are important. Hearing what you are saying and what is being said to you, changes how you perceive yourself and how you are perceived by others.

 

This came up because I have come to see how important journaling is. Writing down stuff that is going on in life and in your brain is important. It can help you organize your thoughts, recognize patterns, remember what happened; journaling is like taking a snapshot of yourself but with words instead of images. It doesn't have to be and maybe it shouldn't be something the whole world needs to see. Looking over my old journals, I see things about myself then and now that I wouldn't have been aware of if I didn't have the written recording.

It is said that a person always makes time for the things that are truly important to them. I challenge all of us to take the time to consider what is truly important to us and if it's good for the soul, go for it! xo

virtual rule #9

Virtual Rule #9: Hospitality without the house

"It is unforgivable to be rude to anyone under your own roof..." -page 429, Etiquette In Society, In Business, In Politics and At Home, Emily Post

I snatched the above quote from a larger paragraph in which Emily Post is discussing hospitality but I would like to stretch it a bit. Being courteous and hospitable to people who are visiting your abode is a must of course but I  would change the above statement slightly to the following: "It is unforgivable to be rude to anyone who is under any roof with you." This means not just the roof of  your own home but any roof you find yourself under; at the dry cleaners, at the market, while dining under an awning or driving in a car - whatever place you find yourself, make it a place to showcase your hospitable and courteous nature.

If you cannot be at the least cordial with anyone you meet, anywhere you meet them - there's a problem. This is the second part I want to address. Snobbery is something that can sneak up. Don't be afraid to look others in the eye, whether it be the girl taking your order or the cashier rinning you up; whether it be the CEO of Facebook or the eccentric who might possibly be talking to themselves on the sidewalk, all our worthy of your equal respect. Allow yourself to be taken out of your busy and important day to say hello to a stranger or to hold a door open for someone else. (Take time to appreciate that you are not the only person out there. All the fellow cars in your way on the road, they contain people too. All the slowpokes in line ahead of you are waiting people too.)

Do courteous things not just for your stuffy Grandpa but for all people you come in contact with. Making the world a more civil place starts with each one of us as individuals choosing to be civil. Seemingly, civility isn't  always convenient but don't let inconvenience deter you from doing what is right. Don't whip out the manners only when you are trying to impress someone; keep awareness of others always on the behavioral table and then allow this awareness to turn into an appreciation for others and finally allow that appreciation to blossom into respect. Everyone is worthy of your attention and sincerest acknowledgment even if that means it takes you twenty seconds longer get to the next "to do" on your list. In the end it is people that matter most.

the warning Bell

"This is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins." 1 John 4:10

"And now I ask you, dear lady— not as though I were writing you a new commandment, but the one we have had from the beginning— that we love one another. And this is love, that we walk according to his commandments; this is the commandment, just as you have heard from the beginning, so that you should walk in it. For many deceivers have gone out into the world, those who do not confess the coming of Jesus Christ in the flesh. Such a one is the deceiver and the antichrist." 2 John 1:5-7

I have been thinking about God a lot this week, so much so that I realize how much I haven't been thinking about Him over the last many months. These last days I have been bringing my issues with God out onto the table instead of harboring them in darkness; issues like my deep mistrust of God and His love, my anger that Jesus had to die for me and my confusion about who is right when it comes to understanding God. Let me say that bringing these issues out was scary but ultimately I am finding that only through honesty and contemplation can anything really be dealt with.

The flip side to bringing out my issues with God is that God reminds me of his issues with me (and the rest of humanity). It is built into man to more readily take issue with God than to realize that it is really only he who has just cause to be at issue. The truth is, mankind isn't what he was created to be; the other truth is that it's not Gods fault.


Bell's version of love is ultimately toxic

Rob Bell has a new book coming out called "Love Wins." There was an article in TIME about it and the buzz has been all over the Internet. Evidently in the book, Bell claims that no one goes to hell; there is no hell. It's a pretty controversial things for pastor, teacher, shepherd of God's people, even just a proclaiming Christian to say. I haven't read the book and I really have no desire to expect that I know a lot of people my age are going to read it at face value, love it and believe it: that is what scares me.

Why do so many think that God allowing for a Hell is a bad thing for God to do? Can man (the created thing) call God (the Creator) unjust? I don't think so. The argument I have heard from some goes like this: "It would be unjust of God to punish man infinitely in hell for the things he did and believed in a finite lifetime." To that I say, "Well than I guess let hell stand to show you that mans life is not finite." What we believe here, right now, in this breath and the next one to come - really matters! How what we believe affects what we do, what we say, what we think - really matters! It matters! Instead of pointing us into an approved stupor of existentialism and nihilism shouldn't a brother in Christ be going in the other direction and point is into abounding hope and unspeakable joy that exists in Christ Jesus!?! Instead of plunging us into a fatalistic love affair with ourselves shouldn't a brother in Christ be plunging us into a love affair with "the glory of God in the face of Christ Jesus"!?! Instead of encouraging a man-centered gospel with a bent on loving man created art, man-centered labels and titles and pleasures shouldn't a brother in Christ be encouraging a primary love of God and furthering a passion to glorify God utmost in the things we mere men make and do!?! 

This is an official warning bell against Rob Bell with a call to get your face to the ground in prayer that God transforms his heart, mind and soul. And till that happens keeps his false doctrines from harming other people, believing and not.

Below is a link to a God-centered review of Rob Bell's book, "Love Wins":
God Is Still Holy and What You Learned in Sunday School Is Still True: A Review of “Love Wins”