snow in my coat pocket

The holidays seem a time for falling together and coming apart. With the feelings of nostalgia that Christmastime brings in its smells, songs, and snowy disposition - we look forward to reconnecting with family and friends with whom it feels we haven’t really seen since a year ago. I said the holidays are a time for falling together and coming apart because it seems we connect just long enough to say, “Goodbye! See you next year.” The days we have so long looked forward to pass over us like a dream, and we awaken disoriented and disappointed. Maybe I am channeling the forlorn spirit of Charlie Brown, but I find it difficult to pinpoint the meaning and purpose of this time of year. Whether it’s Justin Bieber belting out “Santa Clause is Coming to Town” while twerking or network TV editing It’s a Wonderful Life so it includes commercials about erectile dysfunction and vaginal itch, the“reason for the season” is hidden away.

I go through the motions. I climb great heights to suspend bright lights that illuminate the outdoors. I painstakingly place the plastic ornaments on the plastic Christmas tree in such a way that they appear perfectly displayed and evenly spaced. I make cookies, breads, rum balls, and cheese dips all to delight the taste buds of people near and far. I wear sparkly, glittering, gaudy paraphernalia, covering myself from head to toe till I twinkle like an odd, generic she-elf. I struggle and agonize over finding the perfect gifts that looks like I found them somehow effortlessly yet thoughtfully. And through it all, the reason for all this becomes more hidden from me.

“Can anyone tell me what Christmas is all about?!?” Charlie Brown exclaims during the classic TV special. Oh how we all need a friend like Linus to keep us grounded when we get carried away or left behind, however one wants to see it.

I love when great meaning and purpose is hidden in the simple and unplanned; it’s the magic of the ordinary becoming extraordinary that thrills me, reminds me, and revives me. Clearing a week’s worth of snow off the car and discovering an hour later that some has found its way into my coat pocket and is still unmelted - cold, white, and real. Driving 60 miles down a scenic highway only to look up and see an eagle turn its head at just the right moment as if to let me know just what it was. Feeling hope in the middle of winter as it gives a taste of spring in a single day of warmth, where mittens aren’t needed.

This isn’t a stretch; I don’t feel I am making more of things than I should. I feel at one with all that is greater than myself and privileged to recognize these “simple” things as the gifts they are. Better than anything that can be bought in a store or sold on a site are wonders not made by man but ordained by Something from above. Somehow snow unmelted can melt an icy heart.  xo

sleigh bells, snowflakes, & closing year end

It's been so long since I've written anything from the heart. I don't know if it's because my heart doesn't know what to say, like it's in some sort of shock, or if it's because my heart has nothing to say, perhaps taken one to many blows and no longer beats - neither of those is in any way a comfort.

 

Life is so strange. Things happen. There is gain and there is loss. It's the way of things. Steady, and true, and terrible. Somehow loss is easier to see. We are lost to some we hoped to never lose. As the years end approaches and the time to reconcile ledgers descends upon us we take stock.

 

It's been a year of lessons. School lessons. Zumba lessons. Love lessons. Another year of coming to seeing some of who we are, learning what we want, and the piercing line of how far we can and can't go.

 

Who would be if we were allowed? If fear didn't stop us and the past anchored us without weighing us down, who could we be? Would we be different and would that difference be better? Is there any room in this world we live in for contemplation, reflection? We touch screens not one another, missing the soft warmth of human contact for the inanimate glow of a smartphone.

 

I've been thinking about the line from Into the Wild, "Happiness is only real when it's shared." We don't get a say in everything that happens to us in year, a week, hell in an hour, but we do get to decide what that experience does to us. My prayer at the close and open is may we know ourselves and let a few others really know us too. ox

  

solo yolo ugh

bait and switch: (noun) the ploy of offering a person something desirable to gain favor (as political support) then thwarting expectations with something less desirable

leverage: (noun) influence or power used to achieve a desired result

tempt: (verb) to entice to do wrong by promise of pleasure or gain


I just started doing The Message Solo Devotional. I am not going to necessarily focus on getting through one every day. If I feel like I need to linger on one devotional for a few days, even a week, I will. I don't want to be legalistic about this, I want to be genuine. I need to cultivate some authentic change and growth in my life, and I can't do that by following some A-B-C formula.

The first day begins with Genesis Chapter 3, the entry title "Desire for Reconciliation." I have been hung up on this entry since Monday night. For the THINK portion of the entry, it asks the question "How does this passage speak to your situation?" I couldn't answer and that really bothered me.

There are all the patent things one could say about Genesis 3. It's about disobedience, idolatry, deception, vanity, disbelief - all of which his true. But I became more interested in why the woman choose as she did. What was she thinking? What should she have done differently? Why was she so seemingly easily swayed? What lived inside her heart and mind that made the ground fertile for deception to flower? Did she resent being created second? Was all this mere suggestion on the serpents part that led her to down this road or was he merely picking up on something that was already present within her? Could the man who was with her have said something (done anything!) to guide or reassure her? Why didn't he?

I think the serpent choose to approach the woman on purpose. She's second and he goes to her first. The text doesn't say if the woman and man discussed the matter, debated the issue, listed out the pros and cons - I have a feeling they didn't. I think it was very much done in the moment, without much thinking or discussion.

The question of "How does this passage speak to your situation?" bugged me because I didn't want to see my connection to the serpent. The truth is, I've played the tempter - temptress. There are times when there is an under layer that seeks to manipulate even ever so slightly another person in the hopes of getting what I WANT or think I want.

I also didn't want to face what tempts me, more specifically what temptations I've given in to.

Instead of focusing only on the woman and man, the serpent deserves a little attention. The serpent isn't in this because he cares about the couple, nay, he hates them, he wants to see them fall. He wants the relationship between them and God to crash and burn. Not only will giving into this temptation hurt the couple, it will hurt God who made them. Their failure is God's failure for he believes God can't remedy that big an error.

"When I am tempted there is always more at stake then I realize. Temptation seeks to get us off our path and purpose. When we're tempted we think only of the thing in play - should I have this donut or look at that provocative picture - we are thinking only of the now, but there is always more at stake. There's more at stake than just that one thing.

Temptation seeks to have us meet a legitimate need, in an illegitimate way. Food, sex, respect... a voice inside says "You need it!" Maturity however is the ability to delay gratification (aka the ability to wait). Baby's can't wait; grownups can. The root of all temptation is worshiping something other than God."

dealing with NO

James 5:12 "...let your “Yes” be “Yes,” and your “No,” “No,” lest you fall into judgment (hypocrisy)."

 

Hypocrisy: the practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one's own behavior does not conform

 

 



No is a painful thing to hear and even more to accept. "No, I didn't like the food you made." "No, I don't think that outfit is flattering." "No, I don't want to be with you."

 

No. It's a brutal word with enormous impact.

 

Yet no is sometimes the answer to life's opportunities, chances, and desires.

 

I hate no. I didn't get where I am now by accepting "no" as an answer. I had to overcome no, the no in my mind that said I would never make it, the no that said I would never amount to anything. I have do that sometimes daily, defeat the no that says the test is too hard or the skill too complex. This aversion I have to no in some areas of my life, blinds me to the goodness of no in other areas. I just don't handle no well. No sometimes seems to me like giving up, accepting defeat somehow. 

 

REALITY CHECK: We can't change the  no of other people; accepting the no of others frees us to accepting the good yes of other and better things.

 

When we struggle with a decision that involves and impacts someone else, it's not fair to tarry and volley with choosing. I wonder how often the questions we struggle with in life are us choosing to see gray when there is really only black and white...

 

I am dealing with indecision and apathy. When someone says they are leaving a decision up to you and paints you a picture that is too many conflicting things all at the same time, it's very hard to know what to do, what to feel, how to go on. Figuratively, it's a precipice of torture. 

 

I feel like my whole life is on hold because other people won't let their no be no and yes be yes. And I am also really mad at myself. I feel like a more confident, secure person wouldn't wait for someone else to make up their mind. (All of which could just me be, being too hard on myself, which happens.) Maybe this too is part of growing up, seeing that life isn't simple, easy, uncomplicated. Relationships, being involved with other people, makes life messy. Maybe I just need to learn to deal with the mess...

 

We need to make a decision here. Are we invested? Do we want the same things? I need to know: are you in or out? Before I was afraid to ask the question because if the answer was no, I felt it would be too crushing, but now I just need to know one way or the other. And you're right it's not a simple easy thing, there is pressure involved. I'm sorry about that but I can't change it, not without compromising the whole meaning and significance behind it all. Some compromises aren't all right. I would point out gently the pressures behind the idea of "us" isn't all one sided. I come with my set of dilemmas absolutely but so do you. There are high stakes and a lot of unknowns for both of us. It's a risk. I get that. A lot to figure out. A lot to get to know better. A lot to have to deal with. It's a lot all the way around. But no relationship is totally simple, completely easy, pleasingly perfect, and always non challenging. So again I say, are you in or out? And if you're not sure, be courageous and say no. This no to us doesn't have to be forever. Maybe we have individual issues we need to workout alone before we can be together. Or maybe no will mean no for always. (A depressing thought I'm not going to lie.)

 

I just need to know if it's no... ya know? xo

crown of golden leaves

Sentimental: resulting from feelings or emotions rather than reason or thought; appealing to the emotions in an excessive way; having or expressing strong feelings of love, sadness, etc., in a way that may seem foolish or excessive.

I always thought of myself as a logical person, analytical, wise. "Don't play hooky from school with the boy you have a crush on because the trajectory of that path really isn't promising." "Don't go to where there's excess, where one needs alcohol and illicit substances either to drown their feelings or the courage to really express them." "Don't allow your imagination (your naivety, your good nature, your desires) to deceive you into missing the reality in front of you." Being intellectual provided me distance from emotions and feelings. Life taught me to look for truth and to value it more than any lie; ultimately a painful accurate perception is better than a "happy" deluded one. In other words, I always thought I lived a life not ruled by sentiment.

She will, she won't. She does, she don't. It doesn't matter; your happiness is not up to me. I accept that now. Our paths no longer intersect though they sometimes run near; on the line of time we were parallel but for the briefest of moments. I wish it had lasted longer than it did, I wish it had been more than the much it was for me. It's not greed, when you find a good thing, wanting more is to be expected.

In my reading for school there was a section in the text regarding family influences on child development. It touched on sibling relationships, youngest-middle-older children, and only children. What it said about only children made a lot of sense to me and one thing stood out in particular, "Only children...often enjoy a rich fantasy life as a result of isolation." I identify with that. I think I can be so analytical because I'm also so imaginative.

The things that pop into my head are so random but so detailed, they almost seem more real than real to me.

The light of Autumn is different than the light of Spring and Summer. It rains a symphony of color as light hits the leaves cascading softly upon the earth. Harvest dots the landscape and so the mentality of all who dwell here in our corner of the Midwest. We take stock of gains and losses as we prepare for the long winter. I am struck by the beauty of Fall, it won't go unnoticed. Geese form their V of timely depart. The earth rewards the farmers its bounty. The scent of burning leaves and bonfires marks the air, apple cider and pumpkin pie linger nostalgically on the tongue, layers of sweaters and scarves defend against the ever increasing chill. It is here, I live. Here where I adorn your head (short hair or long as if it mattered to me) with a crown of golden leaves. You that are the most alive and lasting of all things to me, such a contrast to the end Autumn brings. On a worn quilt under the shelter of a great tree, beams of sunlight illuminating every leaf, finally peace comes to these bodies in need of rest...

These are just thoughts, mere pondering, images existing only in the mind, no great effort on my part to conjure them but if they show anything its an extremely sentimental heart.

The definition says to be sentimental can mean having strong feelings of love that may seem foolish. It's the word seem that throws me. Are these feelings of love foolish or not? My analytical mind wants a final answer but my imaginative mind could care less.

inextinguishable

If hope was compared to a lit candle, I would say, "The light of mine still flickers."

Psalm 68 - The Glory of God in His Goodness to His People

⁵ A father of the fatherless, a defender of widows,
Is God in His holy habitation.
⁶ God sets the solitary in families;
He brings out those who are bound into prosperity;
But the rebellious dwell in a dry land.

the picture

I sometimes worry that my life is one breathe away from disaster. A fine and delicate balance is required just to keep many big important systems on the status quo; some days the stress it takes shows on my face, my dark eyes tell the whole tragic story. All-in-all I think I hide it pretty well. I'm a champion at keeping my mouth shut, I always have been. Nothing to brag about, nothing to be proud of - just the reality of the situation.

What is the connection between trust and truth? When you can't depend on the one's closest to you, how do you go on? When you learn that truth is to be unspoken and trust meaninglessly given, what do you do?

I can't bring a great family to the table of my relationships - do you know what I mean? Some people have great families that love them, full of trust and truth - but, at the core this is not mine. It just isn't. This is a negative when it comes to dating because eventually the talk of families comes into play and mine is such a source of disappointment and shame for me. I feel disloyal as I type these words out. How dare I be so... ... real...

There is something about sharing the truth that there is no trust between me and my closest family, that hurts almost more then the fact itself. When I say it out loud to another, I can't bear to see pity reflecting back at me. I desperately want to be real about the chasm that exists between me and family, but I also hate the risk that honesty requires.

I minimize the depths of my hurt, my unfortune, with cliches like "Others have it worse, be thankful" or "Everything happens for a reason," but the truth is I'm heartbroken. I think there are parts of my heart that are missing and will never be mended. Who would ever want to become part of my life with this huge mess - a mess I don't believe will be fixed here on this side of life? I don't want someone who thinks they can fix it (it's not up to anyone to do that!) but I want someone who can look at it in all its gore and love me all the more. I don't know if that even makes sense.

I should be joyous. Where I am at in my life, this place of actually working towards a legitimate personal/lifelong goal - I should be happy. Why can't I feel happy about my accomplishments and path trajectory? I realized recently it's because I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop in my life. The family shoe I don't know that is out there waiting to squash me like an insect. I never know what these family members are up to. What they've gotten themselves into and are letting rot till the stench overwhelms and suffocates me.

I have a picture in my mind. I don't know if its idyllic and impossible or noble and true. It a picture of a family - all the pieces present - mom, dad, child - it sits on a mantel in a house filled with love and trust, safety and respect. Everyone smiles in the picture without worry because they have what no amount of money can buy or secure. The picture on the mantel is just one of many that show pure peace. Manipulating and maneuvering, puzzling and guessing are not a factor. These are unheard of to the imagined people in the picture. For them the needs of us and we outweigh the needs of I or me. It's the picture you know. God make it be.

yellow so real it's fake-looking

It is one of those last lazy days of summer when autumn is gently waving hello to us. I love living in the Midwest. I've never really lived anywhere else and I don't regret that. How could you not love it here - driving by the swaying stalks of gold, riding on roads paved with falling color, accepted and expected change - it's everything.

Homework, study, break, read, snack, homework, study, sleep, shower, work... it's fall. So relieved I had classes during the summer or going back would be so much more difficult.

Well into my Mother-Baby/Pediatrics rotation. It's amazing. I am so relieved because I was so nervous, filled with trepidation. Needless trepidation - there's a catchphrase for me.

This afternoon I was looking at the flowers on the deck still blooming away. It was the marigold that captured me. So yellow it seemed artificial. I held this brilliant blooming living yellow in my hand and felt... content.

Matthew 5:5 (The Message)

"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought."

so full

There is a legion of things to do. Entertainment is never far. In the land of plenty there is plenty, plenty of food, water, a reasonable expectation of safety. Achievement and successes are fairly attainable, access to information and knowledge a click away.

The world is so full.

But all the access and excess is not enough.
What I long for is to lay upon on the soft earth,
wrapped in the arms of you who are yet faceless to me,
feeling the last beams of sunlight
as they disappear into the pink and purple horizon
Greeting the night stars,
the feel of your heart beating in my ear,
in rhythm with the fireflies dance
and the crickets chirp.
To be where nothing is artificial and time suspends but really begins.

all there is

"It is the very pursuit of happiness that thwarts happiness." - Viktor Frankl

When we ask ourselves the question, "What do I want?" the answers we give points to the greater needs we have. "I want my car to stop making that loud noise" (so my need of self reliance is met, I don't have to depend on others to get around.)  "I want to go home heat up some leftovers, have a beer and unwind" (so my need of comfort,  hunger, and leisure can be met). "I want them. That is a given. Always. I want to be near to and be with them" (To what need this want satisfies...I cannot say because honestly no longer know...)

There are moments in life (and it can feel like a rare event) when you get exactly what you've wanted. The biopsy comes back negative, the acceptance letter comes in the mail, the pumpkin lattes are back at Starbucks and you would think that in that moment you'd be happy. What you've desired is what you have received; there should be exuberance that doesn't end especially after all the anguish, worry, and struggle that it often takes to get that moment in time. But as we hold close what we have so long waited for, somehow we are let down. Maybe it's exactly what we thought it would be or maybe it's not at all like we expected, but we discover we are still not complete, still not whole, still somehow disappointed. So we begin again, we formulate new desires, schemes, and plans trying to bring about contentment that doesn't cease, joy that doesn't lessen, a fullness that never wains.

At our core, at the foundation of every one of our natures, I believe there's hunger. Not just an "I could eat" apathetic kind of hunger but a ravenous, cavernous hunger that is dark and frightening. We gaze at nature - sunsets, starry nights, tumultuous tornadoes - because we did not make them and yet they are there. We are finite beings who long for the infinite. At the end of all earthly pursuits we remain unsatisfied because those things (as beautiful as they can at times be) don't eternally satisfy, our heart still aches. "He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

We try to satisfy our hunger for the infinite by feeding it with the temporary - food, sex, technology -and for a time it appears to work until we discover that the more we feed our temporary hungers the bigger their appetite becomes. What satisfied before doesn't anymore, we need something different, something more extreme, more exciting, doing things we said we'd never do, choosing to forget boundaries and the meaning of self control.

What is the solution? What hope can there be against the tedium that can be life? We don't even know the depths of our own natures though we are deplored by what have only thus far seen within ourselves. We make promises to others that go unmet, we say words we don't mean to satisfy hungers that can't be fulfilled. We are stuck in what feels an infinite loop of work, paycheck, debt, work. Infinite joy is sacrificed for immediate pleasure. We loose our ability to even blush at the perverse becoming desensitized to corruption, tragedy, and greed.

Is there a source, giver, and sustainer of joy or is this all there is? What does your hunger tell you?

patience

the sun shine's out of your...

I watched too many Star Trek reruns during my two weeks off from school. Seriously.

Illogical. It's absolutely illogical and yet it feels like it's the only thing in this shitty world that makes any sense at all.

When we, to quote a Wonder Years phrase "like like" someone, what makes that happen? Is it all chemical? Neurological? How much of it is based on underlying factors hidden in our subconscious? Are we just animals? Is it all just physical? Where it starts isn't where it ends; doesn't lasting attraction need to go beyond appearance alone?

You're smarter than me or maybe you're just more honest, I don't know. You're probably absolutely right about everything - nothing in common, too different, bad timing, awkward situations - I concede, I surrender, you're right.

BUT... I still think the sun shines out of your ass (I wish I had the wit to pick another organ). The sun shines out of your ass, not despite any evidence to the contrary but because there isn't any evidence to the contrary. There isn't and there never will be. You're wonderful. Period. Couldn't change it if you tried. "Stubborn much?" you ask. Uhhh, yeah. Duh. But I'm also right. (It's my only child privilege and gift.)

I see the truth. You are the unordinary walking amid all that is average. It amazes me that people are around you all day and they don't see it. It boggles me. How can they not realize that they are meeting the most interesting person around. Seriously. I despise false sentiment so believe what I say.

One day someone will come along and they'll see what an exceptional person you are and the rub is that you'll feel that way about them. I'm jealous of this inevitability because I saw how amazing you are first. (Probably not first, such cuteness can't have gone completely unnoticed these years but allow me my delusion of seeing it first please.) You're quirky but not annoyingly so. Maddeningly stubborn I say rolling my eyes. You have deep convictions I don't always understand. A whimsy that volleys between romantic and endearingly goofy. You have just enough humility to prevent your being morose. In your heart I think you're more of a traditionalist than even I am though you wouldn't likely admit it. I know you are much kinder than I am, than many of us are...

No one had to point any of this out to me. I marvel at how all this and more came to be possible in one person.

I have overwhelmed my schedule with commitments, appointments, classes - anything to prevent myself the chance to dwell upon these things. It isn't right for me to ask for the moon when I've been granted several stars. I pray that knowing such a man exists at all becomes enough for me, that I not waste away pining for what can't be mine. xo

end to self-imposed suffering

When you go to the doctor to get diagnosed and hopefully cured of a malady, they ask for a family history. They want to know about cancer and chronic diseases, but there is a whole layer of family history that is left out when just genetics is taken into consideration. What about all the behaviours, mentalities, attitudes, and perceptions that are ingrained into our family histories? If we could say something about that part of ourselves- the mental anguishes, the emotional afflictions, the times of terror - and if we could share these things without fear of judgment or pity, I think it would go far to our overall well being. Unfortunately, we don't live in a society where mental disease and emotional dysfunction is taken as seriously as fever and blood clots.

My family history is filled with heart disease, diabetes, and cancer - all of which are terrible, devastating to the physical body, but it is the story of my families emotional and mental instability that I think leaves the greater scar. This scar is ugly and cuts right through my families middle. No one in my family is untouched by it. The inability to be truly honest, the erratic actions, the outbursts of rage, the addictive behaviours, the lack of personal responsibility, the perpetual banner of self-loathing - these are what destroy.

I can eat broccoli and stay away from white bread. I can exercise everyday and walk 20000 steps but it doesn't change that at the core of my families history and my own lies pain, fear, and mistrust. That can't be washed away with any detergent made by man or any pill the pharmacy can fill.

"Everything happens for a reason." It's an overused cliche; sometimes it seems like wisdom and at other times is salt in our wounds...

In the last week, there has been a slight shift in my thoughts but oh what a shift. There is a story of C.S. Lewis getting on the bus an atheist but getting off a believer, the point being that his personal conversion was quite with no fanfare to mark it. My conversion this week has been just as quite. I've realized something about myself and about God.

The greatest problem I face is my inability to believe that I am worthy - worthy of love, worthy of sacrifice, worthy of someones effort, affection, time - that I am worthy of life itself. That's the truth. I tear up writing that and reading it. At the root of my heart is blackness like a soil, but it is a soil from which nothing good can grow.

On Monday I was listening to some Christian music and as the words of truth and light played forth, I was overwhelmed for the first time in a long long time that Jesus (the eternal Son, the sinless lamb, the man of whom there was no deceit) willingly lived and suffered and died for me - FOR ME. For so long I had no trouble believing that Jesus existed and that he died but the most important part, the part that changes a heart, gives birth to new life, was missing. Jesus died FOR ME. Unworthy, insignificant, imperfect, deeply flawed - ME. Jesus died for me. And in that moment of realization, of accepting this significant truth, it is Him who was magnified not me. My worth as I had seen it dissolved away as my life became tied to His.

To be the geek I am, in Lord of the Rings, Aragon is told, "Put aside the ranger; become who you were born to be." I think all of us need to see the many facets of our family histories (a painful and devastating exercise) not so we can cast a finger of blame elsewhere but so we can see just how great the darkness is from hence God called out Light. xo

"For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ." 2 Corinthians 4:6

our many tears

Words...are so inadequate...they just don't do justice...never come close to capturing the depth of...I who love words find them failing me...only tears say it all

Our many tears - sorrow, pain, grief, loss...joy...

I plead with you happenstance reader, don't wait, for God sake's don't wait! to bring love into this world, to acknowledge when love is present, to taste and savor love as it's before you. None of us ever really grasp our lasting impact but we all have one, one way or another. In the actual moment we often can't see but hopefully we are granted sight to see before our end all the love in our big small life.

What could be a greater privilege than to know you added love, kindness, comfort, and beauty to this difficult fleeting often inhospitable marble?

A wonderful success story to have loved anything more than you loved yourself...my greatest hope for us all.

Rest In Peace dear friend xo

more like falling in love

metamorphosis of the american dream

Fiddling with my phone this morning trying to get the motivation to get out of bed and start the day when I read this article from the USA today: USA Today: 4 in 5 in USA near poverty, no work

It's a glimpse of the reality facing the majority of so many Americans. The American Dream I fear is a dead thing or if not dead greatly altered. I don't know maybe I'm way off. Maybe I'm being too pessimistic. In the past, The American Dream was very much was connected to economic success. If my experience in the workforce is any indicator of the course were on as a nation, then we all should be concerned. I had a job at the same company for ten years, an unprecedented thing in our day in age. It started out promising - regular raises, OK health insurance, actual dental as an option - but over the years it deteriorated severely - pay cuts, health insurance taken away, dental canceled, layoffs, more work for less money. My experience isn't the only one like that. There are those that would say it's my own fault for staying as long as I did. I guess that is technically true but also very shortsighted and slightly condescending.

Maybe I'm just able to be more compassionate to those struggling because I've been there. Sometimes you read the comments on articles like this and see how vicious, vengeful, and vindictive some people can be towards the struggling downtrodden. Some are so quick to blame and judge; there is very much this "I got mine, so f*** you" attitude, "If you're struggling, it's all your fault: you did it to yourself." It's a very prideful, arrogant spirit that can be so critical of others. It comes from a person who forgets no one succeeds alone. Someone helped them at some point. I know for me, I didn't get where I am alone. Yes, I had to be motivated and be responsible, but I also had people who cared about me and helped me greatly.

I guess I really believe in the idea of pay it forward. I don't attribute my success to myself alone. I want to help others like I've been helped...

The best movie I have seen this summer was The Internship with Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson. I really liked it. Behind all the fluff there was a real story there. So many Americans have had to start over in the professional life and even personal life for many reasons - the economy, the loss of an entire job sector, the competition that exists in the workforce. I know I am only 29 years old but I feel like I too am on my "second act" so to speak. Nursing school is my hitting of the reset button. People need to be allowed that, especially in the changing world we live in. The days of working for the same company forever and having a decent pension and good benefits are gone - FOREVER GONE. Maybe the way we did things before just wasn't sustainable...or maybe the "Greed is good" mentality has finally bit us in the ass...

This whole thing has really made me think about what "The American Dream" is. What does it look like? Is it unreasonable? Is the bar set too low? Too high? I have no idea.

What really hits home for me is how I don't want to equate success with accolades, diplomas, pay scales, and 401(k)s. A successful life to me is having a few best friendships, the ability to enjoy an occasional beer and bonfire, and being able to afford a roof over my head and food on the table. I don't think that is too modest of a list; I don't think that is a bad place to settle - anything beyond that is gravy. It's what we share and leave behind in actions, words, feelings, and behaviours that makes a life. Politics, car brands, and iPhones don't get a person cherished in another's memory and heart.

Everyone is making a legacy: what's at the root of yours?

unending sunrises, continual mercies

Lamentations 3:22-23
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

Time is a complex matter (Wait, is time matter? Oh dear...). The organization of the chaotic universe and the theoretical likelihood of life as we know it ever existing and continuing to exist are more than I can grasp. I wish I was better at understanding mathematics and physics but it's way over my level of comprehension.

The HowSuffWorks website has a lot of information about time and Einstein's Theory of Relativity. I won't even attempt to get into it for my ignorance would show instantly. I wish I had a mind for complex math and science; it's all I can do sometimes to keep my head above water in human biology for nursing. ;)

All I really wanted to say is that somewhere on our planet right now the sun is rising for people and if the sun is always rising somewhere, than the promise of the verse above becomes even more beautiful. Morning is always dawning so on a macro-level the assurance of the LORD's mercies is perpetual. Like the sun rising continually, the LORD mercies are ending. xo

call me "baby"

Do you know what my favorite movie as a kid was? It wasn't Cinderella, Fivel's An American Tail, or even the classic The Princess Bride. Nope. I, from the age young age of four, liked watching Dirty Dancing. How wrong and how telling. Me and my future therapist will have much to discuss.

There is a reason I bring this up, you will see. Sadly, I am home this week, banned from going to my clinical for nursing because I have contracted what normally only babies get, roseola. I woke up on Sunday mornings with a terrible rash on my face, neck, and arms. I thought at first it was an allergic reaction to something and would clear up but sadly when I awoke on Monday with a 101 fever and the spread of the rash I knew medical intervention was necessary.

I am feeling much better today. Temperature is 98.9, so we're nearly normal, and the rash is practically gone. Roseola is caused by a viral infection. There is no treatment for it but to let it run its course. The nice doctor at the ER gave me ibuprofen and some benadryl and said I would feel better soon; He was right.

Leave it to me to contract an illness that normally babies and toddlers are afflicted with. Seriously, I can't believe it even now. The doctor looked shocked when he looked at the severity and the type of the rash. Thank God school has been super nice about this matter. Their understanding has relieved a lot of my tension. I don't want anything to jeopardize my education tract, not after I have gone through so much so far to get here now; I will not be deterred off my course.

In Dirty Dancing, the main character is nicknamed Baby and I got to thinking as I was lying in bed dazed from fever with my baby illness - I'm still a baby in many ways. I think some of us are forced to grow up in many ways before we should have had to and allowed to delaying growing up in many ways we should have by now. We all have our burdens to carry and experiences thrust upon us. They say growing up is hard to do and I think our generation is experiencing that problem in a way no other before it has. When college is recommended even demanded, but graduation often offers nothing but huge debt and minimum wage employment, when health care is a privilege for the few and not a right for the many, when the cost of living exceeds what one can earn - growing up is exceedingly hard for my generation. I don't see how that will improve.

My Granny nursed me back to health. With my blotchy spots, fever and overall malaise, I felt like a little girl again. I remember when I was back in second grade with the chicken pox and Granny again was the one who took care of me, waited on me, tended me, fussed over me - loved me.

Perhaps my affliction with my baby illness was given for my renewal of mind and perspective. May our maturity match our age and may our age never dull our childlike enthusiasm, hope, and capacity for innocence.

Ponder child that it's time to mature...

i want to apologize

 “I don’t know how to say this. Um, I just...I want to apologize for anything that I ever did to you, ’cause I was messed up...for a long time..."
-Jenny, from the film Forrest Gump

Me and my Google searches, I tell ya. I learn a lot from what I "randomly" find:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/letting-go-of-a-relationshipthat-doesnt-exist/

Sigh. OK. Let's start with what I am not apologizing for. I don't apologize for caring about you, for liking you, for having hopes and good wishes for you. That hasn't changed. I know that the world is full of talkers who say they care but their actions show they don't. But I hope it's known, I hope my character isn't so foreign to you, that you would think I would speak insincerely or flippantly. I really do want you to be happy; from my heart, I wish you the best and most this life has to offer. I'm not sorry for New Years.

What I do apologize for is being messed up in my head and heart. That's all me. It had nothing to do with anyone else. It doesn't even really matter if you understand why but I want to share this. All my life, I have never belonged or fit in. Never. I've always felt like and been an outsider. It started early, having no dad and not having him ever mentioned or brought up ever in all my childhood, put me on the outside early. As I grew older in years I felt like less, I felt like my very existence was a failure and a mistake. I can't explain all the reasons why that is, but I can see that truth about myself. It's not easy to face but it's also oddly freeing. Bittersweet I guess is the word... Anyway, because of my deep seated belief that I was a mistake and my feelings of being an outsider, I believed that happiness wasn't meant for me. Relationships, love, acceptance - those things were for other people, better people, than I. "We accept the love we think we deserve." It's true and I realize it now in a way I never appreciated before.

I'm sorry if you got caught in the cross hairs of my mess. I really am. Gaining self awareness, taking responsibilities for ones own actions and for ones own thoughts and emotions is brutal and very real. I appreciate a little better what amazing courage it takes for an addict to face their addictions and truly change. I'm awed by their courage and in a way revere their process, if that makes any sense. I'm sorry that I believed strongly in what never really existed and that I fought so hard to believe in it even when it was obvious that it was never going to happen.

I apologize for the hurts I caused others foremost and secondly for the hurts I caused myself. The first step to getting well they say is the ability to admit there's a problem. That is my hope in this new start.

God uses Google

figuring the heart of my discontent: God uses Google

Today I Googled a rather complex search... I typed into the search bar the words "severe unhappiness and dissatisfaction with god." I hoped that by typing the truth of my feelings into the little box that makes what we search for appear like magic, I would get myself out from under the cloud of unhappiness, fumigate the weeds of hardheartedness, and pluck out the seeds and sproutlings of bitterness that are a part of me.

These are the two things I came across; odd that both examples contain the idea of a fish out of water. By "odd" I mean God-divine, for some coincidences are not coincidences at all but God moments, moments where the Infinite Divine meets us, the temporary vapor. This is a thunderous loud quite realization for me. I blog this to remember this moment, so that when I despair again and feel profound discouragement - I will not wallow there in self-pitying dismay and debilitating depression but instead remember, this is not my home.

Link 1: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/faith/faith_in_life/dicovering_your_god_given_purpose.aspx

Link 2: www.suscopts.org/mightyarrows/vol3_no1/unhappiness.pdf

 

worrying over "no worries"

When I say no worries to someone, I mean it sincerely. "No worries about getting back to me right away" "No worries about being a bit late to the movie" "No worries if you can't make it" - I say it because I recognize that are times when I will need someone to say that to me - it's OK if you can't reply right away, I understand you're running late... so on.

I was recently scolded for my use of the phrase "no worries" which really hurt me and then pissed me off actually. This event has forced me to spend entirely too much time analyzing my use of what I intend to be a non worrying phrase. This is bullshit.

Who criticizes the use of the phrase "no worries"? A person who should be worried, that's who.

The one who said this to me has jerked me around, been moody and distant, noncommittal to making ANY plans, basically shutdown any meaningful communication - AND I AM THE ONE BEING SCOLDED! Seriously. SERIOUSLY!

I said "no worries" to this person because I didn't want to make them feel pressured or put on the spot. They're going through a tough time in their life right now. I was trying to be nice, to put them at ease. (Why am I such a friggin doormat sometimes??!!) They haven't been the most receptive to my requests as of late; I probably said it more to myself than anything, to remind myself that if they do or don't take interest or respond the way I expect or want, that it isn't the end of the world. "No worries self, it will be OK no matter what" I sometimes have to talk like that to myself. It keeps me from quickly spiraling into a vortex of depression or a pissed off rage of bitchiness (whichever really, it could go either way).What can I say, sometimes my mental health is extremely fragile; this we know by now.

I would call this person out on their behavior if I thought for a second that how I felt or that what I thought meant anything. But I don't believe it does, not really. So I say nothing. Why risk honesty, truth, and feelings with someone who has shown disregard for them in the past? It doesn't seem like a wise idea. I don't trust this person so how can I be honest, transparent, authentic, and real with them? It's a no brainer, really, or so it seems to me.

In a relationship that has become all about what they want, how they feel, what they need, when they need it - it's hard to be confident, to be assertive, to be normal even.

Did I use "no worries" in a passive aggressive way? Maybe... if I'm honest... maybe I did. But in my defense, I don't know which way is up in this relationship. I do know that a little grace, a little compassion, a little patience with me, a little less trigger on pointing out every and any perceived fault - would be fucking awesome and completely deserved.

Some self talk, Oprah would suggest that right? "Sigh. Breathe. OK. OK. No one likes to be criticized. No one likes when someone finds fault. Just take a deep breath. If there is something to be learned from this, learn it and move on. Don't berate yourself. Don't get (stay) pissed off. AND don't let anyone dull your sparkle or make you doubt who you are and settle for less than you deserve."

we're all addicts

I cannot attest to the validity of these quotes. I hope they are accurately cited. I have gathered them from www.goodreads.com. As for the image of the boat in the storm, I couldn't find who the artist is but their work here is amazing.

"I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.”
― Edgar Allan Poe

“Even when I took the drugs I realized that this just wasn't fun anymore. The drugs had become a part of my routine. Something to wake me up. Something to help me sleep. Something to calm my nerves. There was a time when I was able to wake up, go to sleep, and have fun without a pill or a line to help me function. These days it felt like I might have a nervous breakdown if I didn't have them.”
― Cherie Currie

“I understand addiction now. I never did before, you know. How could a man (or a woman) do something so self-destructive, knowing that they’re hurting not only themselves, but the people they love? It seemed that it would be so incredibly easy for them to just not take that next drink. Just stop. It’s so simple, really. But as so often happens with me, my arrogance kept me from seeing the truth of the matter.
I see it now though.
Every day, I tell myself it will be the last. Every night, as I’m falling asleep in his bed, I tell myself that tomorrow I’ll book a flight to Paris, or Hawaii, or maybe New York. It doesn’t matter where I go, as long as it’s not here. I need to get away from Phoenix—away from him—before this goes even one step further.
And then he touches me again, and my convictions disappear like smoke in the wind.
This cannot end well. That’s the crux of the matter, Sweets. I’ve been down this road before—you know I have—and there’s only heartache at the end. There’s no happy ending waiting for me like there was for you and Matt. If I stay here with him, I will become restless and angry. It’s happening already, and I cannot stop it. I’m becoming bitter and terribly resentful. Before long, I will be intolerable, and eventually, he’ll leave me. But if I do what I have to do, what my very nature compels me to do, and move on, the end is no better. One way or another, he’ll be gone. Is it not wiser to end it now, Sweets, before it gets to that point? Is it not better to accept that this happiness I have is destined to self-destruct?
Tomorrow I will leave. Tomorrow I will stop delaying the inevitable. Tomorrow I will quit lying to myself, and to him.
Tomorrow.
What about today, you ask? Today it’s already too late. He’ll be home soon, and I have dinner on the stove, and wine chilling in the fridge. And he will smile at me when he comes through the door, and I will pretend like this fragile, dangerous thing we have created between us can last forever.
Just one last time, Sweets. Just one last fix. That’s all I need.
And that is why I now understand addiction.”
― Marie Sexton, Strawberries for Dessert

“The Moth don't care when he sees The Flame.
He might get burned, but he's in the game.
And once he's in, he can't go back, he'll
Beat his wings 'til he burns them black...
No, The Moth don't care when he sees The Flame. . .
The Moth don't care if The Flame is real,
'Cause Flame and Moth got a sweetheart deal.
And nothing fuels a good flirtation,
Like Need and Anger and Desperation...
No, The Moth don't care if The Flame is real. . . ”
― Aimee Mann




separate me from my heart

We are well into summer now. Every weekend contains a new "must see" summer movie. I remember several years ago now, the must see summer movie was the latest installment from The Pirates of the Caribbean series. I mention the series because in them there is the story line of Davy Jones physically cutting out his own heart to separate himself from the pain of love and betrayal.The concept and imagery of a person cutting their own heart out and locking it in box where it beats separated from its owner, is very interesting. I think it has a very literary tone to it and I think the idea, though very mystical, is very relateable.

Another movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, has characters going through a procedure to have memories removed - unpleasant memories as well happy memories. The memory itself is not the issue, it's the people involved in them. The issue of our past aren't often so much a matter of what exactly happened but of who was involved. It's more a matter of what they meant to us in that memory and what they mean or don't mean to us now. We look back at our pasts through the lens of our current life and that lens can enhance that memory or darken it. What is interesting about the movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, is that removing a memory often resulted in removing a very large part what made that character that character. The idea of removing a painful memory has an appeal on the surface. A person who's spouse cheats on them and lies to them suffers more than a citizen who's congressional representative takes a cut back from a lobbyist. Yes the dishonesty may affect the citizen to some degree but the infidelity and betrayal of one's spouse would hurt in a more direct, personal, permanent way. Which part of the event would you remove? The knowledge of the infidelity, the memory of the infidelity, all the moments and lies surrounding it? How much memory would need to be eliminated to allow someone to really forget?

Hearing about a tragedy that occurs hundreds of miles away, isn't as devastating as those events that occur under our own roof. We may feel bad or sorry for "them out there" but we aren't really tuned in to the loss; it isn't personal for us. There is the flip side - where we hear about someone helping another person out of a sticky situation. We may be happy for them but it doesn't really mean much to us - not like it would if we were the one rescued.

The direct impact we can have on those around us is awesome and terrible at the same time. We are not born with the mentality of putting others first. It is more tragic that this truth can remain unchanged even after having children or getting married or making a friendship. The concept of "me before you" prevails all too often. Putting another persons needs before your own is just not done all that often. My heart has been thoughtful the last few days, turned towards those who have serious addiction struggles or deep seated mental issues. I wonder what role relationships played in their downward trajectory, their spiraling descent. Someone said to me the other day, "Water rises to the same level" meaning people will pull you down to make themselves feel better. "Misery loves company" to borrow another phrase. There are those in life who don't want to see others succeed because anothers joy doesn't make them feel good about their bad choices, misdeeds, or wasted chances. There is a great lack of honesty, transparency, and self examination in our culture.

I wish I had a nice beautiful bow to wrap this post up with but I can't come up with one. Genesis 24:45 says "Before I had finished praying in my heart..You God answered my prayer." I don't know if my heart is close to me or far from me, but the needs of my heart, the deepest longings contained within it, the capacity it has to love, is all known by God. So I ask Him, help me to pray from what feels my absent and irregular heart...

leave it alone: heal over

There seems to be two extremes that happen after an injury. The first extreme is to ignore the injury altogether; to deny it exists, do anything (drugs, alcohol, etc) to avoid dealing with the hurt. The second extreme is to pay too much attention to the injury; picking at it, cutting it open again and again, never letting it heal over.

We all at one time or another fall into these extremes camps.

As I watched the fireworks from New York on TV tonight - I took stock of another year and where I was last year verses now. Unfortunately, events of last year have left me with scars of pain and hurt more than peace and love. That is the truth. I guess in the end I sometimes wonder if all our wounds are self-inflicted. Yes, others hurt us, but I puzzle over how much of that is our own fault. We ignore our conscience, suppress it, deny it, and misplace it, all in the hope of getting "what we want." Though having to deny the very thing that helps make us who we are, our conscious, is a clue it will never work, that never stop us. Eyes wide shut - its just a reality that happens to all of us from time to time.

I think I have written about this before, but I think some people are born with melancholy spirits that are destined it seems to live most their life alone. We're approaching 30 years now for me. Nothing is anybodies fault but things happen. I think it would be better for me to stop picking at the scabs in my life and hating the scars already formed - and to instead embrace them as evidence that Jesus and I will have much to talk about. I know that He is not a consolation for the miseries and disappointments of life, but it isn't wrong to eagerly await His insight into, His acceptance of, and His healing over of all wounds and inefficiencies.

There is much to be thankful for. On this night celebrating American independence, a celebrating of the end of tyranny, the beginning of something that was new, full of hope and light and wisdom and tragic beautiful humanity - there is much to be thankful for. I can see that. Please don't think from any of more morose posts, that I don't value all that I have here in this country and that I don't appreciate all it took to get us here. We have much to rejoice over every single day, easy or difficult.

I went on my nightly walk ritual last night and I had something by Andy Stanley on. It really hit me and I hope it helps you too: "Friends influence the direction and quality of our lives. The thing that makes friendship so great, also makes friendship so dangerous. When I am with a friend I drop my guard. The reason we are attracted to certain people is we are all acceptance magnets. We are attracted to acceptance and repelled by rejection - when I am with people who accept me I drop my guard. When I am with people who accept me, I am the most open to influence that I will ever be. Acceptance leads to influence. When I am in a environment where I am completely accepted, I am open to the influence of the people around me. Some of the most addictive behaviours imaginable begin as pastime fun with friends."

psalm from my soul

psalm from my soul

I'm hoping for indifference to envelop me, to numb me with its embrace. That's my desire.

I feel my demon haunting my steps, lurking, waiting for me to accept the inevitable truth that waits to quietly drown me. The demon emanates everything that is the antithesis of light. Its black wings obscure my sight and its razor claws leave marks upon my flesh visible and invisible.

I used to fear getting swallowed whole by this darkness, the emptiness scaring me into silent screams.

My terror now is I'm not scared of that reality anymore, or at least I'm not scared in the same way. I'm too tired to fight against it. That which has sought to suffocate me for so long, I'm willing to accept now.

One can only tread water alone in the turbulent void of the sea for so long. If I was better at the games we play, if I could pretend and really convince myself of lies, then maybe I wouldn't turn toward the abyss so readily. But I am utterly convinced that I mean nothing to anyone; all my love is and will ever be a vain waste. From my conception to my decomposition I will experience it all without knowing what it was to be loved purely.

I wish I was a stronger person.

I once told someone that the story of God telling Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac was a lesson in how everything belongs to God (Genesis 22). God kept his promise and gave Abraham, Isaac, a beloved son after much much waiting when all human reason to hope was lost. God keeps His promises, He gives us everything we have, blessings and curses. God isn't wrong to demand difficult things from us and He's not wrong to ask us to surrender the things we love to Him. Everything we have received, in the end, all that we love, is God's anyway; He isn't wrong to take back what is His. That is not an easy lesson. We like to believe that what we see with our eyes, hold with our hands, love with our hearts, make with our bodies - is all ours alone, but it isn't. This truth would not make me so bitter if anything so precious really was mine to give back. At least then I would know I had truly had something real and been a part of something special.

You left me alone to struggle in the mud and muck. You awakened feelings only to make me doubt them. I was left unprotected, uninformed, exposed. You left me to be the prey of other men with weaker character than you. This is not friendship. This is not anything of depth. It was the most shallow of acquaintances. I will not believe different; like Jacob, I refuse to be comforted, I will not be easily appeased. What you call "care", your pleas for patience, are nothing but tactics, tools you use to disguise your indifference. Snarky, insincere, gwaker - that is your action, that is your character. Too harsh you think is my estimation? It is not. I searched for Darcy and found Vronsky yet again.

Oh to grow up, to take ownership for ones choices, to see things as they really are as they are happening. To not need hindsight to see error but to recognize it in them moment and avoid it. To act when we know we should. To move even when afraid. There are those that stand back and blame, find fault in our character, our appearance, our nature - they diminish and debase us. They are gamers, players, deceivers. They appear grownup but are no where near maturity. They come fairly bound only to stab us in the back with daggers.

The hero of this story, in the end, is me. No one - NO MAN, NO MOTHER, NO OTHER - will do what I must do for myself. All my anger towards others is really at the end anger at myself. Even if I am right about the shabby way some have behaved toward me, I can't blame in the end anyone but myself. I have accepted this treatment. I have let them hurt me. I will not wait anymore or ever again. I will live while there is still light to see, I will live while there is still time, I will live while the gates are open and the fruit is ripe and unspoiled. I will not rot on the vine and I will not let anyone make me regret ever again. I have something hopefully to offer someone else in this life. I will hope for the chance even if it takes a lifetime.

timid to bold

afraid to be assertive - it's a conundrum for sure

there are two problems (1) not having any idea what you want out of a situation or (2) knowing what you want but settling for something else, usually something far less than what you really want

[i am ignoring punctuation and caps today - deal with it :)]

there is all this pressure in our relationships to define them, to label them, to classify them - i don't know if that pressure is good and keeps us honest or bad and keeps us hostile

recognizing what is right, true, pure, good - is important don't get me wrong - but recognizing that is worthless without follow through. in other words it's easy to perceive a situation but it's much harder to change or accept it.

it's one thing to know that something is right or wrong in your heart; it's another thing entirely to do something about it

here's the thing... sometimes a person keeps their distance because they're trying to prevent themselves from hurting another person... i get that... there is a certain nobility in that... but that preventative distance in certain circumstances can cause a type of hurt in and of itself... and if i'm already hurting from what might be the right thing, it's very tempting to say bring on the hurt of the wrong... does that make any sense?

we get ourselves into situations often without thinking at all about the long term consequences or we tell ourselves despite our qualms or misgivings we can handle it...

i use these words with fearful caution... i wish i could type a whisper... perhaps it would be better... perhaps it would be better for both of us... if we had never met

there is no point in would have been. what happened, happened. it is what it is, it was what it was. nothing more. nothing less.

at the end of it all i know i'm nothing but an addict... my addiction isn't a substance illegal or otherwise... it's a life of memories, sharing, laughter, and tears that was never solid, never graspable, never really real... there are times in our lives where we grieve for the life we expected to have and don't.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

who knows?

Scarlett: Rhett, how could you do this to me, and why should you go now that, after it's all over and I need you, why? Why?

Rhett Butler: Why? Maybe it's because I've always had a weakness for lost causes, once they're really lost. Or maybe, maybe I'm ashamed of myself. Who knows?

-from the film Gone With the Wind

 

 

What is a beautiful life? What is a good death? Forgive my moroseness, I had a rotation in hospice nursing this week and my mind is just jumbled mush today. I feel like I loose my threading and the tapestry of my mind becomes all tangled and knotted - I can't make sense of it.

 

A beautiful life to me isn't about objects that shine or materials that can be bought. Anyone with a visa can have that. I want something that is priceless - that can't be purchased - that can't be lost. If my home gets destroyed by a fire, swept away by a flood, or blown away by a tornado - I want to see that wreckage in all its devastation and I know I didn't lose a thing, not a single thing of real importance as long as the one I love wasn't in it. That would be a loss. That would be something for which there is no recovery.

 

Death feels wrong - doesn't it? Were we made to die originally? Weren't we supposed to live forever? Never getting old, never getting sick, never getting tired and weak. Every day of life brings us one step closer to our death. Will it be a car accident, a heart attack, a malignant tumor? How will it end? Will politics matter, or sport team preference, or ability to name every tune on classic rock radio profit or change anything in that moment when you die? I don't think so, why then do we credit so much importance to these things now?

 

I talk too much and I say too little. God delivers but on his time. He says be patient and we have no choice but to be... don't we...? Is there romance in waiting or just endless prolonged agony?

Regarding Jane Austen's book Persuasion, "It's about... waiting. These two people meet. They almost fall in love, but the timing isn't right, and they have to part. Then, years later, they meet again. They get another chance. But they don't know if too much time has passed, if they've waited too long, if it's too late for things to work out."

how I feel

one line silenced me, the others undid me

"Love is patient" - not pushy

"Love is kind" - it's considerate

"Love does not envy" - it's not insecure

"Love does not boast" - it's not excessively prideful

"Love does not dishonor others" - Love never does anything that creates regret for the other person ever - it is not disgraceful, dishonorable, or indecent

"Love is not self-seeking"

Be somebody worth pursuing, not just because it will benefit another but because it also benefits you.

could/should/do

"...I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me..."
-lyric from song Silver Springs by Fleetwood Mac
 

"You're holding on to a life that doesn't want you anymore. It doesn't want you."
-the movie Ghost

You know what I've come to realize? I'm stubborn...and I fear it's in all the wrong ways.

Why is the heart drawn to what it's drawn to? Why do some people occupy a place in our souls with minimal effort? Why is there a lack of connection to those who want desperately to be part of us and a pull towards those who don't want anything to do with us? I wonder sometimes if the feelings that develop do so more from pride and stubbornness than purity and honesty. We can become so fixated on feelings that we become blind to reality that exists beyond them. When is patience the right thing, and when is it just stalling?

I wonder how love works for Jesus. He knows already who will ultimately be saved and who will ultimately perish. Does His supreme knowing effect the pull He feels towards every beating heart?

I think God allows us to feel unreciprocated love to give us a window into how He feels. It's painful to love another from a place of purity when you know that love will not be returned. Lack of reciprocation, however, doesn't make the love go away. There's this perception that God doesn't love those He doesn't save and I just don't buy it. He's always loved all He's made and He's always loved his people; it's just His love didn't keep them from harm, His love sadly didn't stop them from doing whatever the hell they wanted. Love doesn't force, that's not loves power. What's powerful about God's love (and all real love) is it exists even when it's not returned, it can survive even when it has every logical reason to die.

Making peace with love: I will NEVER stop wanting the best for you. I with tears accept, if I must, that I may never be with you, but I will never stop desiring only the best things for you. ox

risks calculation/pains scale

-People get hurt, they shut down.
-Till the pain goes away?
-I don't know. Maybe you just learn to take it in like everything else.
-the movie Message In a Bottle

"Take the thousand and give it to the one who risked the most. And get rid of this "play-it-safe" who won't go out on a limb. Throw him out into utter darkness."
-Matthew 25:28 (The Message)

 

Physical, emotional, relational - there are different kinds of pain. Sometimes our pain comes from a single wound and sometimes it can just hurt all over. Sometimes our pain is obvious and clearly visible and other times it's hidden so well that even a close observer wouldn't know just how much we're suffering. Sometimes pain is inflicted upon us by others purposefully or by their unintentional negligence. We can at times compound our pain, adding to it blame and self loathing that we should have known better, we should've done things differently, not allowed ourselves to be so vulnerable. Upon our beating we beat ourselves; the initial blow can't match the punishment we self inflict. 

 

Pain is real. It's not all bad. Hurt instead of being a curse, can be a clue. Without pain telling you that you've cut your finger or that you've touched something that's too hot - the damaged caused could be more severe, even life-threatening. Pain in many ways is a gift. It indicates that something needs attention. If we shutdown to avoid feeling pains hurtful sting, we also miss feeling loves hopeful light. 

 

Our pain speaks. What is yours saying to you?

blue to take away the blues

I like spontaneity, it doesn't always work out for me when I attempt it but I do like it. I also like structure and events that are planned. Putting thought into something, the implication of intention that shows in plans well made, means a lot to me. I don't need or want every second to be mapped out; I have experienced the pleasure surprise at times can bring. I guess I'm pretty normal really.

I say all that because one should be cautious with saying let do this or lets do that. Words frivolously uttered and not followed through become a promise broken. Doesn't matter how small or large the event, saying something will be done that wont, is a lie. Everyone hates lies but this one really gets to me. I have experienced the betrayal of other peoples words and promises. I take great caution to not perpetuate that experience onto others; I try to always mean what I say and say what I mean.

I understand one can get caught up in a moment and find themselves unintentionally making promises without thinking. The only advice I can give all of us is to tame our tongues. If you want to do something with someone else and mention it to them - follow through with concrete plans. Don't leave someone open to question the trustworthiness of your words or motives. Everything always being the last minute can make someone feel used, like a backup plan kept for when nothing better comes along.

Yesterday for the first time I saw a pair of bluebirds while I was taking my walk. I don't know if they were blue jays or some kind of blue finches but they were amazing. Today I awoke to a cloudless blue sky and a feeling of blessing that still hasn't left me. May you feel not lucky or even merely happy but I hope you feel blessed today as well - I promise you, no matter what you think, you are. xo

wait, what?

my new boss: "Ask for what you want."
me: "Wait, what?"


I recently had a interesting interaction at work. We were talking about the summer hour schedule and how it will fit with my college course schedule. We had it worked out until my second boss interjected their two cents, which actually turned out to be a helpful thing. Sorry, that really is still shocking to me. How messed up is that I find a bosses input actually useful? Wow, that's telling.

My years in the private sector taught me two things: (1) Working for a husband and wife "team" sucks. (2) Expect nothing good from wanting things from management. My old boss was a svengali from the pit of hell, who lived to exert his imagined and maybe even real control over certain my aspects of my fate. "Yes you can do that." "No!! You idiot, you cannot do that exact same thing you have done for 5 years anymore. Are you mad?!" "You have to look out for yourself first." "The company comes first you peon." Yeah, he was bipolar. My point is, I have gone through really 10 years of mind games, manipulation, and bullshit - basically what we all call employment in America - and now I work for a public community college as a student worker in a nameless office. The pay aspires to horrendous but so did my other jobs pay.

What is different and miraculous about the job at the college is that basically it's a stress free job. No pretending I care that deeply about it because after all I am student and working towards another career down the line. None of that working for the man kind of thing. The problems that come around are few and frivolous.

I love (and by love I mean loathe) when people ask what you want only to tell you that's not possible. Why ask?! Seriously. My current boss asked me flat out, "What hours do you want to work?" I answered. They said, "Ok." That was it. She said to me, "If you want something, ask for it." Such a simple concept yet it blew my mind. Ask for what I want?? Can those words be used all together like that?? What I want? Wow.

I'm still processing why this concept is so awesome to me. Partly it's because being able to simply ask for what I want, means I don't have to do a dance for it anymore. I feel like I've had to dance around asking for what I want or need (work-wise, life-wise, family-wise) for so long that just being normal is an adjustment, one I am thrilled to be faced with. (The image of Marty Mcfly from Back to the Future III is in my mind right now, random.)

Something to consider. In our world where manipulation is common, subliminal messaging present, and advertising constant - don't forget the power of simply asking for what you want or need. Plainly. Clearly. Simply. I know, I know, wow. Now that I blew our minds, I'm going to go eat a cookie. xo

pigeonholed: breaking free

pigeonhole: to assign to an often restrictive category

 

 

Wouldn't it be great if the those closest to us were also the ones who were best for us? Wouldn't it be nice if the ones we lived with, if the families we were born into, if those we loved - were full of people who challenged us in a good way, gave us a push when we needed it, believed in us always even we didn't believe in ourselves? 

 

It's easy to be blind to the things that make us who we are. I have been thinking about my family a little over the last couple days. It occurred to me that sometimes they tie together what they call "love" with blind compliance, sort of "if you love me you will do what I ask" kind-a-thing. It's not right. It's not fair. It's not normal. It's not okay. I don't ever want to equate or confuse love with some sort of compliance litmus test. There are plenty of fine people who might not do what I want, how I want, when I want - it doesn't make them bad or any less loving.

 

Here's the thing, this mentality of complete compliance being love, is dangerous and foolish. I don't control the universe (pause to fake gasp) and I'm also not the center of it. Just because I'm right once in a while doesn't mean I'm always right. Just because I do something one way, doesn't mean everyone has to do it that way. There's often more than one way to get to the same place. I will not be a person that confuses love with selfishness.

 

I don't know where it all got so tangled. I don't know why love became a noun and not a verb. I don't know why we stop seeing those closest to us multifaceted. I don't know a lot. All I know is that sometimes breaking free from the pigeonholes people keep us in, may mean we may have to sacrifice a few of our own feathers. To soar we have to leave the ground and those on it behind; may that not deter us. xo